Andy, Don't Go Away Mad...

...just go away.

Here's a little excerpt from an article by FOX Sports' Ken Rosenthal:

Mike Mussina has retired, and the Yankees could lose Andy Pettitte, too.

Don't believe it?

Pettitte, 36, has spoken more than once with his former manager, Joe Torre, about joining the Dodgers, according to major-league sources.

And, lest anyone forget, Pettitte has a history of changing teams as a free agent when he does not feel completely wanted.

First, let me acknowledge that I understand that this is likely just a writer stirring something up to make a very, very dull couple of weeks more interesting. It's all part of the baseball media's smoke and mirrors act, in which "gut feeling" is disguised as "analysis," I know.

But something about those lines struck a chord in me, and I simply feel the need to comment.

If Andy Pettitte truly doesn't feel "wanted," will somebody please remind him to not let the proverbial door hit him on his proverbial ass on the way out of proverbial town? (Scratch that last "proverbial.") Honestly, somewhere in the dark recesses of his God-fearing soul, could Andy Pettitte actually be annoyed that the Yankees are taking a laisez-faire attitude toward resigning him? Please, Ken Rosenthal. Please tell me you're just pulling this out of your ass. (That's rhetorical, Ken. I'm sure you are.)

But let's play along for a minute. It would be the absolute height of ridiculousness if one fiber of Pettitte's being is currently feeling sorry for himself. While Andy has been a big part of the last decade-and-a-half, this is the same man that, conveniently, accepted $16 million from the Yanks last season, just a few short days before the Mitchell Report was released, is it not? Bet the big guy wasn't feeling too unwanted at the moment he realized he was about to become a baseball pariah, huh? Do you think Andy told Brian Cashman, as he picked up that pen and prepared to sign on the dotted line, "Oh, Bri-Bri. Next week I'm going to admit to doing steroids. Is that cool?"

Andy, your ass better feel all-sorts of "wanted" next year. I want you to feel so "wanted" that you constantly look the stadium in fear of bounty hunters. I want you to feel so "wanted" that you ride a steel horse to the park each day. I want you to feel so "wanted" that you insist your baseball card photo consist of a front-facing photo and a profile shot...in black and fucking white.

You owe us one.
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Hope CC Doesn't Read the Paper

Leave it to the New York media to find smoke where there is no fire. With the ascension of Hal "The Chemically Balanced One" Steinbrenner to the Yankees throne, it took beat reporters one day to try and turn Boss II into his father.

When Hal remarked (off-handedly, on his way out of a meeting, mind you) that the timetable on the Yankees' ridiculously lucrative offer to CC Sabathia is "not indefinite," reporters decided to make it a scandal. Today's NY Daily News, for instance, grandly pronounces on its cover that Hal has ordered Sabathia to "make up his mind." Other news sources have echoed the sentiment, somehow confusing a bland (and obvious) comment with a stern mandate.

Of course the goddamned offer isn't indefinite. As a colleague of mine pointed out today, it is most surely temporary, if only because it will probably be taken off the table so that the Yanks can offer the big boy even more money when a West Coast team gets in on the bidding.

In any event, the reaction to this non-story got me thinking...imagine if the media treated every mundane remark with the same hyperbolic frenzy:

*"Incredulous McDonald's Employee Insists That Fries Be Considered"
*"Pessimistic Weatherman Refers to Mostly Sunny Day as Partly Cloudy"
*"Cop Orders Suspect to Put Hands on Head; Does Not Say 'Please'"
*"Dentist's Patient Spits While in Chair"
*"Barack Obama Taxes Wealthy; Establishes Socialist Government"

That last one is too ridiculous to even imagine being printed.

In other news: Hey, did you know Mike Mussina retired? Did you know he's a borderline Hall of Famer? Did you know he likes crossword puzzles? Did you know he knew he would retire before this season even began? Did you know he won 20 games for the first time in 2008? Did you know he was kind of a dick to the reporters who are now celebrating him as "his own man"? Did you know he was so bad in 2007 that he lost his spot in the rotation but that everyone has conveniently forgotten that because it tarnishes a "feel good" story?

I sure didn't know all that. I'm glad every reporter on the planet has filled me in over the last 24 hours.

Oh, wait. I did know all that. Wow. I've wasted a lot of time today.
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Good Night, Sweet Prince(s)

We suppose it was inevitable. We imagine that we should have seen it coming. We know that all good things must come to an end. But, to quote the Princeton Tigers manager Scott Bradley, after being hit in the chest with a line drive during fielding practice, "Why does it hurt so bad?"

Fire Joe Morgan is no more, and the world is, simply, a darker place for it.

We became avid, voracious readers of FJM three solid years ago. Maas was the one who pointed me in its direction, and I remember my early encounters with the blog as vividly as I do the first dates enjoyed with my now-wife (the main difference being that, thankfully, the boys at FJM posted virtually every day and I didn't have to wait until the weekend and drive three + hours, to the Berkshires, to enjoy their company).

Once, I was lucky enough to earn a sacred "hat tip." It was Opening Day of the 2006 season (Monday, April 3 to be exact). On this day, the esteemed John Kruk (of Baseball Tonight fame) pronounced that the Red Sox would win the AL East; however, only one day earlier, the same venerable Mr. Kruk had predicted the Yankees would win 130 games. I quickly emailed Junior to point out that Kruk, in his own special and boneheaded way, had just bequeathed 130 + wins on the Sawx.

I knew it was a good tidbit. It was right up their alley; another talking head had mindlessly spouted-off a painfully unsubstantiated thought and attempted to pass it off as "insight." He needed to be stopped. Sure enough, within hours, I was immortalized. FJM had deemed my remark "analysis worthy of scorn" and seen fit to add it to the lore and semi-retardedness of John Kruk. To this day, I wear it as a badge of honor.

In the years that followed, I merely took pleasure in visiting the site daily, knowing that the boys were doing righteous and necessary work on behalf of a baseball-loving public that was, on average, 73 1/2 times more intelligent than virtually everyone writing about, or talking about, sports for a living.

In the winter of 2008, when we began this little blog that absolutely no one reads, we recognized that we had two choices, though they were never spoken aloud: 1. Be bad and uninformed enough in our analysis to warrant being lambasted by FJM, or; 2. Copy them.

We chose the latter, and Piss and Wynegar is forever grateful.

When, slowly but surely, the posts at Fire Joe Morgan became more and more infrequent (that is to say, when Ken Tremendous was the only one actually contributing), the writing was on the wall (or, blog...but it wasn't...that's the point) and I was alarmed. Where were the food metaphors? How was I to know if Darin Erstad was feeling particularly gritty and gamer-ish on a given day? Why was Bill Fremp being let off the hook? Fuck the heck?!

Interestingly (and appropriately), however, when I realized that we were actually posting more often than FJM, my alarm quickly and gently transformed into peaceful acceptance.

Their work was done.

Be fruitful, and multiply, Ken, Junior, Dak, Murbles, and Coach. And thank you. It's okay to let go now.

It's okay to let go.
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Gentlemen, Start Your Inane Ranting

When the Yankees miss the playoffs, everybody loses.

Pete Abraham (Yankees beat reporter for The Journal News) has a super-terrific blog which, unlike us, he updates a ton with Yankees news. The blog has a HUGE following, but unfortunately many of the readers are completely irrational and infuriatingly stupid. We know this because they can't help but comment on Abe's blog...a lot.

Yesterday, Abraham posted a 4-sentence story which stated, simply, that Larry Bowa was staying with the Dodgers and, thus, the Yankees would have to consider other 3B Coach options, including un-retained Brewers manager, Dale Sveum.

Here's a sampling of the 150 comments (literally) that followed this innocuous piece of information:

"Is Mike Gallejo still with the Rockies coaching staff? He’d be a good choice for 3b coach. What about Tim the Rock Raines?" First: Mike "Gallejo"? Second: Why do people just love to pick a player out of their ass and anoint them as the answer to our base coaching prayers? As if they have some inside information about the way they windmill their arms or hold up their hands as a runner rounds the bag? "Homer Bush was fast. He'd be the perfect 3B coach because he'd make them run harder towards home! We gotta get this guy!"

"[The Brewers] treated Dale Sveum very shabbily. He takes over, gets them to the playoffs and he’s not even considered for the Brewers job?" He "got them to the playoffs" by managing 12 games, over which span they played .500 ball. Is there no justice?

"Nice going Cashbum. You miss out on Bowa and then Gallego. Terrible." "Cashbum." Punny. Also, notice that this guy has bought the previous guy's comment about Gallego hook, line and sinker. Suddenly he's a hot commodity. But, really, he's got a point. How the fuck are we supposed to win a championship if Mike Gallego isn't our fucking 3B coach?!

"Torre is really out to screw his ex-team I bet he begged Bowa to stay, oh well." It's all part of that manipulative bastad's master plan.

"This off-season is turning into an utter disaster." This might be my favorite comment of all, if only for the sheer, pouty lunacy of it. It's October 24th, not a single free agent has been signed by anybody, the World Series is two games old, and an old man who maybe/sort of had a chance at coming back to coach 3B is not coming back. This, of course = disaster for Yankees.

"Might as well trade cano now." Yup. It's over, Johnny. (Let it be said that I'm only, like, 20 comments into this post. These are coming one right after another.)

"Good to see Gallejo land with the A’s. Don’t be surprised he’s the next hot managerial candidate. The man knows baseball." "Gallejo" again. This is becoming like some sort of sociology experiment, where somebody validates a pointless or non-existent "something" and, suddenly, everyone needs to have it, even though they have absolutely no idea why.

"Luis Sojo for 3B coach! He can’t coach 3rd, but he will be a voice in that clubhouse" Obama for President! He can't be President, but he can eat seafood!

"Honestly I could care less who the 3B coach is at this point." Sanity! "Bowa was the ONLY option in my opinion. Anybody else will be the lesser pick as long as it not Meacham I’m alright with it." Less and less sane and then, finally, insane.

"If you want a no nonsense guy as a 3b coach, go get Ted Yost - formers Brewer manager." This guy has so carefully weighed the pros and cons of Yost as a potential 3B coach that he has discovered Yost's first name is actually "Ted," not "Ned," as previously believed by everyone in the fucking free world.

"Letting torre go may eclipse not trading for santana as the move that dooms the franchise." See that old dude drinkin' green tea and blowing out Scott Proctor's arm every year? Johan Santana can't hold that dude's jock strap. (pause) Yes, that Johan Santana. (pause) Yes, the greatest left-handed pitcher in baseball. That one. He's got nothin' on Torre. Nothin.'

"I thought Bowa wanted to return to the East Coast to be with his family? I guess his loyalty to Torre is more important than his family." Conjecture, anyone?

"Phil [Hughes] looks mean with those glasses and sporting the goatee." If by "mean" you mean "sexy" then, hell yeah, he looks mean!

Four months 'til pitchers and catchers, people.
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Optimist? Pessimist? Either Way, You're Wrong

With the dreadful 3-7 West Coast road trip officially (and unfortunately) in the books, many Yankees fans, Yankees haters, sports writers, and talk show hosts have decided that now is the time to declare the Yankees dead in the water. In fact, in today's New York Post, Peter King has gone so far as to eulogize the Bombers' 2008 campaign.

Okay. Fine. You're more than welcome to dance on the grave of a team that looks more pathetic than it has in recent memory. The road trip was atrocious, and we certainly can't deny that the boys currently deserve a vote of "no confidence"; however, most people are burying the Yankees for silly reasons. Pessimists argue that the Yankees show "no heart," "no desire," "inconsistency," blah, blah, blah.

On the other hand, optimists who are hell-bent on seeing the Yankees make the postseason are equally misguided in their reasoning. Case and point: today I heard a caller to WFAN actually argue that the Yankees will make the playoffs because they have a $200 million payroll. When pressed as to explain how that guaranteed them a berth, the caller argued, "They haven't missed the playoffs in any year that they've had a $200 million payroll!"

Gulp.

Well, I just don't know where I fall in this debate. To say the Yankees are done is premature, but to say they are going to make a run into October seems ignorant. So, to see just how much doo-doo this team has stepped in, I went back and looked at the standings as of August 14th in each year of the Yanks' playoff run. What I found should alarm us all.

8/14/2008: 64-57
AL East: 9 G back of Tampa Bay (3rd Place)
Wild Card: 6 G back of Boston (3rd Place)

8/14/2007: 67-52
AL East: 5 G back of Boston (2nd Place)
Wild Card: 1/2 G back of Seattle (2nd Place)

8/14/2006: 69-46
AL East: 2 G ahead of Boston (1st Place)

8/14/2005: 64-52
AL East: 4 1/2 G back of Boston (2nd Place)
Wild Card: 3 1/2 G back of Oakland (2nd Place)

8/14/2004: 75-41
AL East: 10 1/2 G ahead of Boston (1st Place)

8/14/2003: 72-47
AL East: 3 G ahead of Boston (1st Place)

8/14/2002: 74-44
AL East: 5 G ahead of Boston (1st Place)

8/14/2001: 70-49
AL East: 4 G ahead of Boston (1st Place)

8/14/2000: 64-50
AL East: 4 G ahead of Boston (1st Place)

8/14/1999: 71-44
AL East: 6 1/2 G ahead of Boston (1st Place)

8/14/1998: 89-29 (!)
AL East: 18 1/2 G ahead of Boston (!) (1st Place)

8/14/1997: 71-48
AL East: 4 G behind Baltimore (2nd Place)
Wild Card: 7 G ahead of Texas (1st Place)

8/14/1996: 70-49
AL East: 7 1/2 G ahead of Baltimore (1st Place)

8/14/1995: 51-49
AL East: 10 G behind Boston (2nd Place)
Wild Card: 1 1/2 G behind Texas (tied for 2nd Place)

Remember last season when everyone was proclaiming that the Yankees were done in early July? It looked pretty bleak, but by 8/14/07 the team was essentially tied for the Wild Card lead and charging. Compare that to a 6 game deficit as of today...not good. Also, in 1995 (before the soon-to-be-powerhouse-Yankees was fully in place) the team was only 2 games over .500 but a mere 1 1/2 games out of a Wild Card berth. Compare that, again, to our current situation and that knot in your stomach might just grow a little tighter.

So, what am I saying? In short: in their decade-and-a-half run, the Yankees have never been this far behind this late in the season . Thus, while we certainly can't count them out, the Yankees will literally have to overcome their deepest statistical deficit in order to make the playoffs for a 14th straight year.

We're not giving up here. We're just being realistic.

Oh, and stop citing 1978 as your argument that the team is going to make it. On 8/14/1978 the Yankees were 8 games behind the Red Sox (without the benefit of a Wild Card race) whereas the Bombers find themselves 9 games in back of Tampa Bay today. Moreover, the '78 argument is rendered moot because of the fact that the reason people still talk about 1978 is because it was a once-in-a-freaking-lifetime anomaly.
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When John Sterling Thinks You Suck, You Must Really Suck

The Yankees are spiraling out of control, and you need not actually watch a game to understand that this is true. All you need to do is listen.

Normally, on the radio side of things, John Sterling views the Yanks with the proverbial rose-colored glasses. When things go well, it's due to the perfection of the pinstripes; when things go awry, well, "you just can't figure this game out." On the flipside (the TV side), Michael Kay likes to avoid any genuine criticism of the Bombers for fear of offending sensitive YES Network ears (i.e., the suits that sign his checks).

To listen to both of these yakkers in the last two days is to listen to two "glass half-full" voices that are ready to simply smash said glass against the floor.

Yesterday, in the midst of what would become yet another crushing loss, Sterling took the Yankees to task for repeatedly failing to get runners in from third with less than two outs. With no clever homerun calls on the horizon, and seemingly at his wit's end, The Voice literally counted-up the missed opportunities, conjecturing that, had the Yankees shown any ability with RISP throughout the year, the team would not only be winning this game, but would be atop their division. Tough talk from a dude that spends 75% of his air time repeating the word "amazing."

Meanwhile, Michael Kay, during tonight's Yanks/Twins game, became nearly apoplectic as the boys (yet again) failed to drive-in a runner from third (this time with no one out). "Un-be-lievable" enunciated Kay as Melky Cabrera grounded into a routine double play to end the inning. He then spent the better part of the next half-inning theorizing on just how an entire lineup could fail so miserably, so often, in trying to complete a simple task.

While these examples may not seem earth-shatteringly critical, the simple fact that they were uttered at all (by these two, no less) is proof positive that the organization is in full-fledged panic mode. And, really, who can blame them?
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Seriously, Dude? Come On. Seriously?

Let's use our imaginations for a second.

You're Alex Rodriguez.

With a runner on first in the 9th inning of a tight game -- a game that, if won, will give your team a sweep of the Wild Card-contending Oakland A's -- you are heads-up enough to back-up Derek Jeter on an errant throw from Bobby Abreu after the aforementioned right fielder has already dropped a routine fly ball. In backing-up the shortstop, you are able to flip the ball back to Jeter and force out the runner (who had initially retreated to first base, thinking the ball would be caught). For all intents and purposes, by being alert and defensively intelligent, you have saved the game and contributed to pulling your team back into striking distance of the division lead.

You wake up this morning and pick up the NY Daily News, fully expecting to find out that you're still banging Madonna, but believing that you will be celebrated for your "heads-upness."

Instead, you read this, by Mark Lelinwalla:

"Alex Rodriguez did his best Derek Jeter impersonation Sunday with a flip play to help the Yankees beat the Oakland A's.

Of course, Jeter's came in a playoff game while A-Rod helped seal an otherwise routine July triumph."

You close the paper and stick another pin in your Derek Jeter voodoo doll, realizing that no matter what you do on the field, it will never, ever, be good enough. For anyone.
_

A Modest Proposal

YES network execs, are you listening? You've already taken one shot at reality TV with The Ultimate Roadtrip...and I think we can all say that was a rousing success, right? Right? Anyone? No? OK.

But the time is ripe for what may be the greatest reality show of all time. I present you with...

Lucky Thirteen: The A-Rod Dating Show!!!


Thirteen women compete for the heart of baseball's greatest player.

Now hear me out. Really, we've all had our fill of Michael Kay and there's only so many times you can re-run the Snoop Dog episode of Centerstage so let's strike while the iron is hot and get this done.

First off, we all know this Madonna thing will be over in a hurry and that leaves Alex to his own devices in the middle of NYC. A show like this allows the greater Yankees empire more say in who A-Rod decides to distract himself with next.

A-Rod's breakup with his wife isn't the only impending split that fits perfectly into this plan: with the inevitable breakup of Mike and the Mad Dog, you have the absolute perfect reality show host available now in one Christopher Russo. The hyperbole, the screaming, the speech impediment, and the fact that he will absolutely reek of desperation after being let go by WFAN makes this a perfect storm of Howie Mandel meets Tom Bergeron proportions.

"OH! THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE, ALEX! IT'S A DISGRACE! YOU KISS HER IN A HOT-TUB ONE MINUTE AND THEN SEND HER FANNY HOME THE NEXT? ABSOLUTE DISGRACE...say somethin' funny, Bob Sheppard."

"Number 6, you have been ejected from Lucky Thirteen. And now let's welcome Ronan Tynan...as he sings...Happy Trails...to You. Number 6."

On the other end, contestants who successfully make it through to the next round (we'll call them innings...it's fun!) get a celebratory bump dance from Robinson Cano and Melky Cabrera.

I haven't worked out the other details yet, except that each time someone makes it through to the next inning they have to get one of those classic A-Rod sound bite speeches. Something like: "Hey, y'know...you put yourself in a situation where you could succeed and...I guess it worked out for you this time." Of course this would be counter-balanced with the rejection speech of "Well, you put maximum effort out there, but unfortunately things just didn't work out the way you wanted them to. Just go home tonight, forget about it, and go back out there tomorrow, I guess."

YES execs, get in touch. We'll work it out. Email address is over there on the right.
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Yanks Beat Boston; Yanks' Fans Commence Picking Up Televisions From Living Room Floor

So, in the end, Mariano Rivera did not complete the turn to the Dark Side by single-handedly handing the Red Sox a victory; however, there are, we're sure, many a moccasin planted firmly in the center of countless plasma televisions this evening thanks to one Tim McCarver.

As the Yankees reached critical mass in the ninth inning, following the second hit-batsman of the frame (the seventh of the game [!]), McCarver, in his infinite hyperbolic, down home wisdom, uttered the following (it's more effective if you imagine that slow, Southernish drawl that gets more pronounced as McCarver's analysis becomes more inept): "If the Yankees lose this game, against this team, in this situation, with Mariano Rivera on the mound, it could have a crippling effect on the Yankees' season."

Really, Tim? A crippling effect? Would the Yankees be so crippled so as to fail to take the field for the remaining 70 games? Should Joe Girardi have waved the white flag? Should the team have come to the park tomorrow wearing Tampa Bay Rays hats (seriously, that would be better than the "patriotic" motif being sported for a second consecutive day).

I try not to get too caught-up in the "biased announcer" bit (instilled in me by my father, who convinced me in 1986 that Vin Scully hates all New Yorkers), but this remark was simply the icing on the proverbial cake for the day. Joe Buck and good ol' Timmy practically wet themselves over the idea of the Yankees losing the game. Now, I get the hard network sell -- they want to keep their viewers -- but when the hard sell in the ninth is compounded by three-and-a-half hours of pom-pom waving for Boston (Dustin Pedroia...what a gamer! What facial hair!) it was nearly enough to send me over the edge despite my new and improved relaxed approach to game watching.

Need more proof? How about the enlightening discussion of the ocean-like depth of the Sawx farm system compared to the overhyped Yankees'. When speaking of Clay Buckholtz (over a 5.00 ERA in the Bigs this year, and nearly two months on the shelf, by the way), Joe Buck exclaimed: "The Yankees would kill to have someone like that waiting in the wings!" as if Joba Chamerblain and Phil Hughes are fetching cars in the parking lot.

Look, I understand that the Yankees have been in the limelight for over 12 years now and there's a lot of baseball fans who are sick of them. I, for one, was ecstatic when the Braves started missing the playoffs if only because I was tired of watching them lose in the first round every goddamn year; however, Buck and McCarver should probably keep in mind that a majority of their audience is coming directly from the New York market...fans in Boise, Idaho can probably afford to miss the game. So, watch your mouths, boys. This is the stuff that comes back to bite you in your Yankee-hating asses.
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Michael Kay Wants You Well-Rested

Michael Kay is a paradox, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a mystery. If you listen to his radio show on ESPN Radio, you’ll hear a man with strong (even blowhard) opinions about all things sport – including very critical commentary regarding the Yankees. On that show he pulls very few punches.

To listen to him do play-by-play on the YES Network, however, one would think it is a different man. He is a rah-rah guy, to put it mildly, and “criticism” usually comes in the form of a carefully-phrased question, or the deadly “While I don’t necessarily agree, some people think…” routine. He clearly fears biting the hand that feeds him on television (read: the Yankees), even though he is paid to provide insight.

Nowhere was this contradiction in approach better illustrated than during Tuesday night’s game against the Tigers; a game that probably saw Phil Hughes breathe his last at the pro level for now. Late in the evening, as the Yankees prepared to go down in defeat, Kay decided to pontificate on the reason for the Yankees’ poor performance. I am paraphrasing the following, but it is essentially word-for-word:

“Do you think the Yankees poor effort tonight is due to the pitching of Kenny Rogers and [the three relievers that followed], or is it the fact that the Yankees are just tired from such a long road trip?”

“Tired from the long road trip”? Are you kidding? Notice: not one mention of the fact that the Yankees left 13 men on base over the course of the game. No mention of the fact that the Tigers walked the bases loaded on two separate occasions and the Yankees only managed to score one measly run. No mention, either, of the continuing failure of everyone in the lineup to hit with RISP. No, it must be that they’re tired, Michael, not just completely inept in every facet of the game right now. Because to say that they are inept would be critical, and seeing as this isn’t your radio show, we must not criticize, we must merely hypothesize.

All of this, not to mention the fact that it’s April! They’ve played less than 30 games! Yes, 18 of 20 on the road is a long haul, but it’s not like the team is sleeping in their cars. They stay in five-star hotels, earn hundreds of dollars a day in fucking food money (despite the fact that they’re millionaires), and, in general, live like royalty.

But, sure, they're exhausted. Poor babies. I recommend a new stat to be added to the traditional AVG / HR / RBI / OBP staple: HSLN (Hours Slept Last Night). Without it, how am I to know why my favorite player keeps popping out to the shortstop?

Our Brand Is Crisis

Sucking early in the year is one thing. Sucking early in the year against the Red Sox is an entirely different kind of sucking.

Oh, Phil Hughes. What have you done?

Congratulations to Bill Madden of the New York Daily News for being the first local reporter to take a not-so-subtle, "told ya' so" shot at the Yankees for not pulling the trigger on the Johan Santana deal. Today, Madden writes, "Phil Hughes, the crown prince pitcher that Brian Cashman would not trade under any circumstances for Johan Santana, had his second straight abbreviated and ineffective outing..."

The "crown prince"? Sounds antagonistic to me. I also like the inclusion of the "under any circumstances" clause, just to emphasize how not traded Hughes was; as if Cashman is even dumber for not even having considered the deal.

Congratulations, as well, to Joel Sherman of the New York Post, the first local reporter to suggest that Phil Hughes (and Ian Kennedy) be shipped back to Triple A. Sherman writes, bafflingly, “Kei Igawa and Darrell Rasner are the best Triple-A possibilities at the moment, which explains why there will be plenty of leash for Hughes and Kennedy.”

Igawa? Rasner? Are you kidding me? This is embarrassing conjecture. Do you truly believe that there is a single member of the Yankees brain trust that is even thinking about sending Hughes and/or Kennedy down? Can you even comprehend, Joel Sherman, the PR nightmare that would ensue if that happened?

I realize more and more that it’s not the actual baseball games that drive me to the brink of insanity, but the media coverage of the games. These beat writers basically have carte blanche to write whatever emotion-driven, panic-stricken thought comes to their heads and report it as if it’s gospel.

Fact: the Yankees suck right now, and any Yankees fan worth his or her salt is miserable about it. No question. Hughes and Kennedy look awful, and there is a really good chance that they will not develop quickly enough (if at all) to allow the Yankees to contend this year. As a matter of fact, I have openly questioned why the Yankees didn’t make the Santana trade, seeing as how Johan is only 29, and if Phil Hughes ever pans-out, he will likely only ever be “as good” as the new Mets ace and never “better than”; however, this is the bed the team has made. If you ask me (and I’ll assume you did), the Yanks’ hierarchy knew in February, and knows now, that this may not be a playoff team. But the fact that guys like Madden and Sherman get to throw the city into hysterics after game 13 is immensely irritating.

In fact, if I were a good blogger (and our lack of readership indicates that I am not), I’d clip some quotes from the articles about Hughes’ first start against the Blue Jays a mere 10 days ago. Methinks the tone was probably a bit brighter on that glorious morning.

To recap, the Yankees suck. But what also sucks is the New York beat writers casting young and inexperienced pitchers (who the same writers constantly remind us are young and inexperienced) into the fiery reaches of hell for a couple of shitty starts.

Yes, the team is probably in trouble. No, it does not warrant the return of Kei Igawa to the rotation.

Calm down. Leave the unfounded ranting and raving where it belongs…in my living room.

David Cone, Where Have You Been All My Life?

When he wasn't masturbating in the bullpen or losing feeling in his right arm, David Cone was an awesome pitcher. The memory of watching his perfect game against Montreal in '99 will always be one of those rare "I remember where I was and what I was doing" baseball recollections. Even when he went to the Red Sox at the end of his career I kind of rooted for him, because I loved watching him pitch. (Do you remember that he was the opposing -- and equally dominant -- pitcher in Mike Mussina's 8 2/3 perfect game at Fenway Park in September of 2001?)

So, it is with a heavy heart that I publicly declare my disdain for David Cone, The YES Analyst.

Dear lord, he's horrible. And, yes, I know he was calling his first game today, but really. Why is it that all YES announcers be lobotomized before stepping in the booth? Ken Singleton (who called the game with Cone), John Flaherty, and even Joe Girardi (before he got the managing gig), have made a career out of dull, saccharine commentary devoid of any form of insight. When Al Leiter is the best "color man" on the roster because he's generally cranky, you know there are problems.

Clearly taking his cues from the School of Half-Full Glasses, here is just a small sample of Cone's wit and wisdom from today's Yankees / Royals game:

Cone, The Insightful: "That was close. It could have gone either way."
(Remarked following a check swing by Ross Gload that is called a swinging strike by the 3B umpire.)

Cone, The Elaborator: "Yes. Very nice."
(Remarked after Ken Singleton points out that Royals starter Brian Bannister has changed his number to #19, the jersey worn by his father, and commenting, "That's a nice way to honor your father.")

Cone, The Fucking Moron: "Very impressive. He's still trying to hit his spots."
(Remarked after Phil Hughes throws his 17th ball in a row in the 3rd inning...and also his 80th pitch of the game.)

Don't ruin my memories, Cone. I'm still trying to get over Paul O'Neill's transformation from tantrum-throwing badass on the field to girlie-laughing sidekick in the booth. Just back away from the mic.

Of course, the epitome of horseshit YES announcing still belongs to the aforementioned Ken Singleton. A couple of years back, when the Yanks were playing the (Devil) Rays, Singleton decided that the viewing audience just had to know about a conversation he had had about Carl Crawford with Tampa's hitting coach. According to Singleton, he broke the ice by commenting to the coach, "Hey, that Carl Crawford is a good hitter."

The response from the hitting coach? I'll let Maas finish the story in the comments.

The Professor and The Madman Welcomes The Madman

As the 2008 season progresses and all of you (all 10's of you currently reading "Piss and Wynegar") get to know me, Pasqua, and my colleague, Maas, one thing will become readily apparent: I'm insane.

In the interest of full disclosure, I am a rather rabid Yankees fan, despite a relatively kind and unassuming (and, admittedly, ruggedly handsome) exterior. I am the Bruce Banner of Yankees fans. Case and point: when the Yankees lose there is a part of me that actually believes that they have done so with the sole intention of spiting me. And that's not healthy.

Maas, on the other hand, is a gentleman and a scholar. I only know him to have thrown a chair in anger over a sporting event once, and I think that event was a New York Giants loss. His perspective is less, shall we say, unstable.

So, while we're both passionate and (hopefully, you'll agree) knowledgeable about the Bombers, we are, indeed, "The Professor and The Madman."

Now, with that off of my chest, I shall continue. From time to time, Maas and I will post our "observations" regarding the state of the team. Four games into the season, and with a .500 record secured, I will begin. Forgive the Larry King-style commentary:

1. Despite the 5 month absence of baseball, I feel like I'm watching these games in July. Maybe it's the lack of hitting, or Mike Mussina's horribleness, but the whole feel to the start of this season is rather blah.

2. Holy shit do Johnny Damon and Hideki Matsui look old.

3. I think it's adorable that the Yankees signed LaTroy Hawkins to make Kyle Farnsworth feel better about himself. Everybody needs a buddy.

4. Are we going to ask Joe Girardi how he feel about his ____ win every time he wins? "Joe, does the seventy-second win feel as good as the first win? How does it compare?"

5. I am alarmed by the fact that the best defense on the team is being played by Jason Giambi. It makes me believe that there is a rip in the fabric of the space-time continuum.

6. Base coaches' helmets = machismo.

7. Why I Love Yankees' Fans, Installment #1: As LaTroy Hawkins was in the midst of surrendering 6 runs to the Rays in 2/3 an inning of work, the crowd began to chant "Paul O'Neill!" at him, referencing the fact that Hawkins is the first player to wear #21 since O'Neill retired, and that he has already soiled the sanctity of the jersey.

8. Why I Hate John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman, Installment #1: Waldman, on air, asks NY Daily News writer Anthony McCarron, "What did you think of Ian Kennedy tonight, despite the fact that he was getting squeezed on the corners?" Kennedy's line on 4/4: 2.1 IP, 6 ER, 4 H, 4 BB, 2 K). Why even answer the question, Suzyn? It's quite obvious Ian got squeezed to the tune of 6 earned runs.

9. This is, I'm sure, too cynical, but it's unbelievably frustrating to me that Jorge Posada plays out of his mind in his contract year without so much as a head cold, gets his 4-year, $60 million deal, and is out with a sore shoulder after one game.

10. Joba Chamberlain is awesome to watch, but kind of a dick, and he will get one of his teammates maimed or killed this year. He will battle-cry-fist-pump his way to a fastball to the back of A-Rod's head.

Okay...there you have it. Mild commentary for now. But the season is young, and I am a sick, sick man.
_

Hi! My Name Is: Mike Mussina (SP)

Each day, "Piss and Wynegar" will present Yankees "player previews" for the coming 2008 season. In what can only be referred to as a "revelatory" strategy, we will use statistics, as well as opinion, to further our analysis.

He's like Ian Kennedy!

See how I brought it full circle there?

Mike Mussina is freaking old, and like any old person he's going to have good days and bad days, but we won't know which is which until they actually occur.

Mussina has the dubious honor of being the official "question mark target" of the New York media this year, which is to say every good outing will be met with remarks about his "veteran wiliness," or "withered gamerness," or whatever meaningless phrase about his age / ability they can come up with. On the flipside, each bad outing will be written about as the beginning of the end; that it's time for Moose to retire to his crossword puzzles because he's hurting his team.

Based on last year's performance, it appears that the latter will be in print more often than the former. The reason? Mussina sucked last year to the tune of a much-maligned 5.15 ERA. While ERA is not at all the greatest measure of a pitcher's effectiveness, it was high enough to prove how inconsistent and ineffective he was (it was his career-worst by over one-half a run). Mix in 188 hits in a paltry 152 innings, and you have yourself the makings of a god-awful season.

That said, Mussina's importance to this team cannot be denied. With Hughes and Kennedy gigantic question marks and Pettitte already experiencing creaky injuries, Mussina might actually have to anchor this staff in the middle of the rotation. And that is a scary thought. A lot is riding on what is, surely, Moose's last year. For one, he'll need to eat more innings, especially with Hughes, Kennedy, and Joba all on ridiculously strict innings counts. He'll need to stay healthy also, as it appears Pettitte has that market cornered. And, frankly, he'll have to swallow his pride and learn how to pitch as a 39 year old with no more fastball.

In other words, [insert name of long relief man] is already warming up in the 'pen.

To read earlier "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.

VT Stands for "Very Touching" (And Don't You Forget It)

As a preamble to the following post, let us first say that we think the fact that the Yankees have traveled up to Virginia Tech to play the baseball team in an exhibition game is awesome. Truly. It must be an absolute blast for the college boys (and their fans) to have the Bombers come in, play their regulars, and give a community that endured an indescribably horrible tragedy a thrill. It's a classy gesture that should be praised in all respects.

And this is what makes the YES Network coverage of the event all the more cringe-worthy.

I have watched a majority of the play-by-play and have opted to mute my television for the simple fact that the self-congratulatory genuflecting has begun to make me ill. At every possible turn, Michael Kay (YES' #1 Yankees broadcaster, in case you didn't know) has praised the Yankees for their selfless desire to play this game. Honestly, Kay seems to be one ball-out-of-play-moment-of-downtime away from suggesting that the Yankees be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.

We've also been told that every one of these Va. Tech kids is giddy as a schoolgirl to be playing the same men they grew up watching on television. Every single one of them. Seriously. There is not one ballplayer on this team that slept last night. That's how excited they are. And do you know why? Because it's the fucking Yankees they're playing, that's why.

What I learned today by watching YES:

*Every member of the Yankees wanted to be here. They were passionate about being here. (Except Mike Mussina, Mariano Rivera and Jose Molina. Those douchebags are playing in minor league games back in Florida.)

*One of the Virginia Tech pitchers is such a big Yankees fan that he has several Yankees hats. Different colors, and everything!

*Alex Rodriguez decided to sit in the Va. Tech dugout and mingle with the little peop...err...college club. And he's signing autographs! Can you believe it?!

*Shelley Duncan is not a good first baseman.

*The sight of a sold out VT stadium is nothing short of "moving."

*If the Va. Tech team looks a little sloppy, it's just because they're so gosh darn nervous to be playing the New York Yankees!

*The VT head coach is a Red Sox fan, but he's allowed his sons to don pinstriped uniforms and serve as Yankees bat boys! See? The Yankees are better!

*The Yankees presence is helping with "the healing."

*The result of every Va. Tech at-bat is not a hit, walk, error or out...it's a dream come true.

Let's be honest, folks. While we're sure the Yankees, collectively, considered it an honor to play a part in this game, and the VT boys will have stories to tell forever, there is something to be said for letting a moment breathe. Is it necessary to constantly remind us of how momentous an experience is, or, in this case, how wonderful the Yankees are?

Wait. What's that?

Michael Kay is telling me, "YES."

Don't Make Shelley Duncan Angry. You Wouldn't Like Him When He's Angry.

Yup. He’s retarded.

Look, Shelley, we’re all for the balls-out, smashmouth play; however, when you announce to the general public precisely when and how you intend to seek revenge on another team for a perceived dirty hit, you officially enter the ranks of “moron.”

Yesterday’s altercation with the Rays was ugly on a lot of levels. In some respects we blame the Yankees: the aftermath of the Francisco Cervelli / Elliott Johnson collision came across as somewhat whiny. Joe Girardi was standing up for his guys when he called the hit inappropriate, but Joe should know, better than anyone, the perils of catching. Plus, he was a tough guy behind the plate, and I know that because the media has been telling me all week. The hit was hard, aggressive, and probably a little bit dirty (the cross-body-block tackle seemed a bit much) but, for God’s sake, take it like professional athletes are supposed to take it: say nothing and then buzz Carl Crawford up and in on Opening Day.

But Shelley’s comments leading up to yesterday were especially ridiculous. The whole “I didn’t think you ran over catchers in Spring Training. I guess we’ll have to play with a different intensity now,” shtick sounded childish and professional athletes should never attempt layered innuendo. Most people probably think Duncan has assured himself a role with the “big club,” thanks to his taking matters into his own hands; however, if anything, Lenny might have cost himself a spot on the team to start the year, if only because he’s sure to be suspended, and we doubt the Yankees will want to start the year a man down.

The Rays, however, are also to blame for this fiasco. There are few things more aggravating to us than the “How dare you?!” reaction from a team after they initiate a controversy. Whether the Rays believed that the Johnson hit was clean or not, they had to be ready for it! Any man, woman, or child who watched the collision understood that retaliation would be had at some point. So, spare us the sudden indignation. I’m looking at you Jonny Gomes. (Where the hell did you come from, by the way? You were on Duncan quicker than Spitzer on a prostitute.) And, for Joe Maddon to call Duncan’s take-out slide “borderline criminal,” is just pathetic. Let me get this straight: body chopping a catcher at the plate is “hardnosed,” but a spikes-up slide into second base is “contemptible”? Funny how different things look from the other side, ay Joe?

We pause, also, for a brief shout-out to the umpires, who perceived the early innings of this game to be a bonafied Pearl Harbor attack. Men in Blue, did you really believe that the Yankees had sent Heath Phillips to the mound to do their dirty work? Heath Phillips? Trust us, if the Bombers wanted to send a message, they would have made sure an erratic flame-thrower was on the mound. Kyle Farnsworth is good for something, you know.

Lastly, however, we save our ire for the media, on whom we lay the most blame. We all know that Spring Training is boring. The games are boring, the interviews are boring, everything is boring. Tweaked hamstrings and simulated games / bullpen sessions get the brunt of the attention. We get it. Not sexy. But, media: you caused this fight. From the second the collision occurred the stories came fast and furious. Will this cause retaliation? Will the Yankees fight back? Who will do it? When will it happen? Someone please read this exciting yet hypothetical report! In the end, you give a story life…even the non-stories. And, although Cervelli broke his wrist in a very unfortunate event, this was basically a non-story.

But, even the worst fisherman sometimes catches a fish (Did we just invent a new colloquialism?) and, to all the beat writers out there, your fish was obviously Shelley Duncan who, as previously mentioned, is retarded. You baited him, hook, line and sinker. You got him to bite on the retaliation angle, and you got what you wanted; an embarrassing, bench-clearing fight in March. And now, we’ll have to endure another week’s worth of stories about retaliation for the retaliation. As if the Yankees / Red Sox ordeal isn’t exhausting enough.

If you had your way, this would end with Rocco Baldelli dead, on his bathroom floor, with the initials “D.J.” carved into his chest.

Thankfully, as passive as it sounds, at least nobody got hurt in the brawl.

And at least we got that awesome picture of Akinori Iwamura getting a cleat stuck in his balls.