Hope CC Doesn't Read the Paper

Leave it to the New York media to find smoke where there is no fire. With the ascension of Hal "The Chemically Balanced One" Steinbrenner to the Yankees throne, it took beat reporters one day to try and turn Boss II into his father.

When Hal remarked (off-handedly, on his way out of a meeting, mind you) that the timetable on the Yankees' ridiculously lucrative offer to CC Sabathia is "not indefinite," reporters decided to make it a scandal. Today's NY Daily News, for instance, grandly pronounces on its cover that Hal has ordered Sabathia to "make up his mind." Other news sources have echoed the sentiment, somehow confusing a bland (and obvious) comment with a stern mandate.

Of course the goddamned offer isn't indefinite. As a colleague of mine pointed out today, it is most surely temporary, if only because it will probably be taken off the table so that the Yanks can offer the big boy even more money when a West Coast team gets in on the bidding.

In any event, the reaction to this non-story got me thinking...imagine if the media treated every mundane remark with the same hyperbolic frenzy:

*"Incredulous McDonald's Employee Insists That Fries Be Considered"
*"Pessimistic Weatherman Refers to Mostly Sunny Day as Partly Cloudy"
*"Cop Orders Suspect to Put Hands on Head; Does Not Say 'Please'"
*"Dentist's Patient Spits While in Chair"
*"Barack Obama Taxes Wealthy; Establishes Socialist Government"

That last one is too ridiculous to even imagine being printed.

In other news: Hey, did you know Mike Mussina retired? Did you know he's a borderline Hall of Famer? Did you know he likes crossword puzzles? Did you know he knew he would retire before this season even began? Did you know he won 20 games for the first time in 2008? Did you know he was kind of a dick to the reporters who are now celebrating him as "his own man"? Did you know he was so bad in 2007 that he lost his spot in the rotation but that everyone has conveniently forgotten that because it tarnishes a "feel good" story?

I sure didn't know all that. I'm glad every reporter on the planet has filled me in over the last 24 hours.

Oh, wait. I did know all that. Wow. I've wasted a lot of time today.
_

The Game Plan: A Short Play by Pasqua

Setting:
-Fenway Park, Boston, MA; visitors' clubhouse

Time:
-April 12, 2008; approximately 2:00 pm EST

Characters:
-Mike Mussina, NY Yankees Starting Pitcher
-Dave Eiland, NY Yankees Pitching Coach

[EILAND approaches MUSSINA to discuss the pitcher's upcoming start against the Boston Red Sox.]

EILAND: Hey, Moose.

MUSSINA: [Putting down his newspaper.] Hey, Eils.

EILAND: Finishing your crossword, huh?

MUSSINA: You know it. Can you think of a 7-letter word for "Carb crisper?"

[Pause.]

EILAND: "Toaster"?

[MUSSINA picks-up his newspaper and counts, silently.]

MUSSINA: Bingo. Nice job, Eils.

EILAND: Glad I could help. But, actually, Moose, I'm here to talk about your start today.

MUSSINA: Oh, right. Feelin' good, coach. Gotta say, my knuckle curve is really knucklin' and curvin' lately.

EILAND: Excellent, Moose. Excellent. But, listen, have you looked at the numbers on some of these hitters lately?

MUSSINA: Got 'em right here.

[MUSSINA holds up his "Boston Red Sox Media Guide."]

EILAND: Did you notice that David Ortiz is hitting like .075 on the year?

[MUSSINA scans a page in the media guide.]

MUSSINA: Papi...Papi...Papi...oh, here it is. Yup. David Ortiz, .075. 3 hits all year.

EILAND: Right. So, I'm figurin', with Papi slumping so badly, there's only one guy in their lineup that we really need to worry about today.

[MUSSINA looks skyward, pondering; contemplative.]

MUSSINA: Lugo?

EILAND: No.

MUSSINA: Youkilis?

EILAND: Nope. Though, that goatee is intimidating.

MUSSINA: I give up. Who do we have to worry about?

EILAND: Well, Manny's hittin' behind Ortiz, as usual.

MUSSINA: Oh, right! Manny...in the clean-up spot!

EILAND: Right.

MUSSINA: Yeah, I've been thinking about how to pitch to him, what with Ortiz hitting .075 and nobody else in the lineup possessing any real power or plate coverage, except for Manny.

EILAND: Good. That's good, Moose. So, now that we've established that Manny is the only guy in the lineup who can do any real damage to us, what with Ortiz mired in a horrible, horrible slump, how are you going to go after him?

MUSSINA: Hanging breaking balls and 85 MPH fastballs that leak back over the middle of the plate, coach.

EILAND: 'Atta boy, Moose. 'Atta boy.

[EILAND turns and goes, leaving MUSSINA to resume his crossword puzzle in peace.]

Fin.

The Professor and The Madman Welcomes The Madman

As the 2008 season progresses and all of you (all 10's of you currently reading "Piss and Wynegar") get to know me, Pasqua, and my colleague, Maas, one thing will become readily apparent: I'm insane.

In the interest of full disclosure, I am a rather rabid Yankees fan, despite a relatively kind and unassuming (and, admittedly, ruggedly handsome) exterior. I am the Bruce Banner of Yankees fans. Case and point: when the Yankees lose there is a part of me that actually believes that they have done so with the sole intention of spiting me. And that's not healthy.

Maas, on the other hand, is a gentleman and a scholar. I only know him to have thrown a chair in anger over a sporting event once, and I think that event was a New York Giants loss. His perspective is less, shall we say, unstable.

So, while we're both passionate and (hopefully, you'll agree) knowledgeable about the Bombers, we are, indeed, "The Professor and The Madman."

Now, with that off of my chest, I shall continue. From time to time, Maas and I will post our "observations" regarding the state of the team. Four games into the season, and with a .500 record secured, I will begin. Forgive the Larry King-style commentary:

1. Despite the 5 month absence of baseball, I feel like I'm watching these games in July. Maybe it's the lack of hitting, or Mike Mussina's horribleness, but the whole feel to the start of this season is rather blah.

2. Holy shit do Johnny Damon and Hideki Matsui look old.

3. I think it's adorable that the Yankees signed LaTroy Hawkins to make Kyle Farnsworth feel better about himself. Everybody needs a buddy.

4. Are we going to ask Joe Girardi how he feel about his ____ win every time he wins? "Joe, does the seventy-second win feel as good as the first win? How does it compare?"

5. I am alarmed by the fact that the best defense on the team is being played by Jason Giambi. It makes me believe that there is a rip in the fabric of the space-time continuum.

6. Base coaches' helmets = machismo.

7. Why I Love Yankees' Fans, Installment #1: As LaTroy Hawkins was in the midst of surrendering 6 runs to the Rays in 2/3 an inning of work, the crowd began to chant "Paul O'Neill!" at him, referencing the fact that Hawkins is the first player to wear #21 since O'Neill retired, and that he has already soiled the sanctity of the jersey.

8. Why I Hate John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman, Installment #1: Waldman, on air, asks NY Daily News writer Anthony McCarron, "What did you think of Ian Kennedy tonight, despite the fact that he was getting squeezed on the corners?" Kennedy's line on 4/4: 2.1 IP, 6 ER, 4 H, 4 BB, 2 K). Why even answer the question, Suzyn? It's quite obvious Ian got squeezed to the tune of 6 earned runs.

9. This is, I'm sure, too cynical, but it's unbelievably frustrating to me that Jorge Posada plays out of his mind in his contract year without so much as a head cold, gets his 4-year, $60 million deal, and is out with a sore shoulder after one game.

10. Joba Chamberlain is awesome to watch, but kind of a dick, and he will get one of his teammates maimed or killed this year. He will battle-cry-fist-pump his way to a fastball to the back of A-Rod's head.

Okay...there you have it. Mild commentary for now. But the season is young, and I am a sick, sick man.
_

Hi! My Name Is: Mike Mussina (SP)

Each day, "Piss and Wynegar" will present Yankees "player previews" for the coming 2008 season. In what can only be referred to as a "revelatory" strategy, we will use statistics, as well as opinion, to further our analysis.

He's like Ian Kennedy!

See how I brought it full circle there?

Mike Mussina is freaking old, and like any old person he's going to have good days and bad days, but we won't know which is which until they actually occur.

Mussina has the dubious honor of being the official "question mark target" of the New York media this year, which is to say every good outing will be met with remarks about his "veteran wiliness," or "withered gamerness," or whatever meaningless phrase about his age / ability they can come up with. On the flipside, each bad outing will be written about as the beginning of the end; that it's time for Moose to retire to his crossword puzzles because he's hurting his team.

Based on last year's performance, it appears that the latter will be in print more often than the former. The reason? Mussina sucked last year to the tune of a much-maligned 5.15 ERA. While ERA is not at all the greatest measure of a pitcher's effectiveness, it was high enough to prove how inconsistent and ineffective he was (it was his career-worst by over one-half a run). Mix in 188 hits in a paltry 152 innings, and you have yourself the makings of a god-awful season.

That said, Mussina's importance to this team cannot be denied. With Hughes and Kennedy gigantic question marks and Pettitte already experiencing creaky injuries, Mussina might actually have to anchor this staff in the middle of the rotation. And that is a scary thought. A lot is riding on what is, surely, Moose's last year. For one, he'll need to eat more innings, especially with Hughes, Kennedy, and Joba all on ridiculously strict innings counts. He'll need to stay healthy also, as it appears Pettitte has that market cornered. And, frankly, he'll have to swallow his pride and learn how to pitch as a 39 year old with no more fastball.

In other words, [insert name of long relief man] is already warming up in the 'pen.

To read earlier "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.