The Game Plan: A Short Play by Pasqua

Setting:
-Fenway Park, Boston, MA; visitors' clubhouse

Time:
-April 12, 2008; approximately 2:00 pm EST

Characters:
-Mike Mussina, NY Yankees Starting Pitcher
-Dave Eiland, NY Yankees Pitching Coach

[EILAND approaches MUSSINA to discuss the pitcher's upcoming start against the Boston Red Sox.]

EILAND: Hey, Moose.

MUSSINA: [Putting down his newspaper.] Hey, Eils.

EILAND: Finishing your crossword, huh?

MUSSINA: You know it. Can you think of a 7-letter word for "Carb crisper?"

[Pause.]

EILAND: "Toaster"?

[MUSSINA picks-up his newspaper and counts, silently.]

MUSSINA: Bingo. Nice job, Eils.

EILAND: Glad I could help. But, actually, Moose, I'm here to talk about your start today.

MUSSINA: Oh, right. Feelin' good, coach. Gotta say, my knuckle curve is really knucklin' and curvin' lately.

EILAND: Excellent, Moose. Excellent. But, listen, have you looked at the numbers on some of these hitters lately?

MUSSINA: Got 'em right here.

[MUSSINA holds up his "Boston Red Sox Media Guide."]

EILAND: Did you notice that David Ortiz is hitting like .075 on the year?

[MUSSINA scans a page in the media guide.]

MUSSINA: Papi...Papi...Papi...oh, here it is. Yup. David Ortiz, .075. 3 hits all year.

EILAND: Right. So, I'm figurin', with Papi slumping so badly, there's only one guy in their lineup that we really need to worry about today.

[MUSSINA looks skyward, pondering; contemplative.]

MUSSINA: Lugo?

EILAND: No.

MUSSINA: Youkilis?

EILAND: Nope. Though, that goatee is intimidating.

MUSSINA: I give up. Who do we have to worry about?

EILAND: Well, Manny's hittin' behind Ortiz, as usual.

MUSSINA: Oh, right! Manny...in the clean-up spot!

EILAND: Right.

MUSSINA: Yeah, I've been thinking about how to pitch to him, what with Ortiz hitting .075 and nobody else in the lineup possessing any real power or plate coverage, except for Manny.

EILAND: Good. That's good, Moose. So, now that we've established that Manny is the only guy in the lineup who can do any real damage to us, what with Ortiz mired in a horrible, horrible slump, how are you going to go after him?

MUSSINA: Hanging breaking balls and 85 MPH fastballs that leak back over the middle of the plate, coach.

EILAND: 'Atta boy, Moose. 'Atta boy.

[EILAND turns and goes, leaving MUSSINA to resume his crossword puzzle in peace.]

Fin.

The Professor Presents Your Monthly Dose of Cock-eyed Optimism

I feel we need balance. Don't get me wrong...I am frightened. I've seen what every Yankee starter not named after a penis has looked like thus far. I know about Giambi's injury. I know Johnny Damon is swinging (and still throwing) like me. But we have reason for optimism, fellow fans.

And away we go...(feel free to go ahead and kill me in the comments):

1. Matsui - he's hitting pretty well despite the fact that he's still pulling off the ball. Am I the only one who's seeing this? Even the during the single up the middle today I'm pretty sure his right foot was running toward the dugout.

2. Mo & Joba - It's only been 3 wins, but is there anyone out there who doesn't think that it's entirely realistic that these guys could really "shorten" the games to 6 or 7 innings? Joba has been great, lucky too, but great nonetheless. And Mariano is making all of those guys in my fantasy league who let him drop to me as the 8th closer taken look like the Boston-bandwagon posers they are. Assholes. How you like that Huston Street now?

3. Girardi - He stands up in the dugout during the game. He paces a little. He crosses his arms. It wasn't until today that I realized how much Torre's non-reactions were getting to me over the years. It's enough to me that Joe G occasionally proves his leg muscles work.

4. Dave Eiland - Has continually stressed how much he wants his pitchers to throw inside to keep batters uncomfortable. I cannot wait for David Ortiz's first at bat against us this year. If his feet don't move after the first one or two pitches I will be severely disappointed.

5. Abreu - Quietly going about his business and doing exactly what we expected of him this year.

So, my friends, rejoice! We weren't the ones who were just swept by the Blue Jays!
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