"Holy Shit"

I don't believe in "clutch-hitting," or "grittiness." I don't believe that teams "don't play" for managers that they don't like. I don't believe that "chemistry" has any relevance to baseball, and I don't believe that any one person can "will" a team to win.

I do, however, believe in luck. Good and bad. And I believe that luck has an overwhelming impact on the outcome of a baseball game.

The Yankees are done. Is it in part due to injuries? Sure. But every team has injuries. Is it in part due to questionable in-game decisions? Maybe. But every manager makes them. Is it in part due to several players underperforming? Oh, yes. Yes, it is.

But, after watching this baffling 2-1 loss to the Blue Jays, I am convinced that every luck-infected element of this 2008 season has gone against the Yankees.

Case and point: Johnny Damon is moved to center field in order to allow Hideki Matsui to return as the full-time DH, and so that Xavier Nady can stay in the lineup and play left field. Johnny Damon, in his first game in center, drops (okay, "misplays") two fly balls, including the game winner. In all likelihood, if Brett Gardner, or Melky Cabrera, or even Justin Christian had been patrolling the outfield, that last ball would have gotten caught. The three guys who are essentially useless, except for their speed, could have conceivably allowed us to win the game tonight. Instead, a normally reliable Damon (whose bat needed to be in there) takes an 0-3 and drops a couple in the field

Luck. Or, should I say, lack thereof.

As part of their plethora of replays, the YES Network happened to show a shot of the Blue Jays' dugout as the ball bounced off of Damon's glove. The camera focused on A.J. Burnett who -- expectedly -- dominated the Yankees again. Upon watching the drop, Burnett could be seen exclaiming, "Holy shit!"

Holy shit, indeed, sir.
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Recipe For a .500 Team

Tonight's ridiculous loss to the Minnesota Twins encapsulated everything that is pathetic about the 2008 version of the New York Yankees. Everyone keeps waiting for "the turnaround," but for every couple of wins will come a couple of losses, in quick succession. That said, let's take the events of tonight's game and apply it to the season as a whole; a season that looks like it is headed down a dark (i.e. postseason-less) road. Here's the must-have list when putting together a .500 year:

1. Get Lots of Hits, But Don't Bother Scoring: The Yankees had 15 hits tonight and 5 runs. That's an infuriating ratio...unless, of course, you love singles. Somehow, the Yankees continue to put men on in every possible combination and still find ways to leave them stranded. In an effort to speed up play, I recommend that, from now on, the Yankees simply put two guys on base at the start of each offensive inning, tell the scoreboard guy to add two hits to their total, and then proceed to make three consecutive outs. It's quicker, more efficient baseball.

2. Make Sure Kyle Farnsworth Gets The Ball In Tight Situations: Can Joba start and relieve? For all the talk of Farnsworth's newfound confidence, he sure still does love to cough up runs in big spots! Homeruns, doubles, untimely walks...Kyle can deliver in any one of many heartbreaking fashions. Seeing him return to the set-up roll is like having an old friend move back into the neighborhood...only now he's an alcoholic, and he keeps coming over to use your bathroom because his is "broken," and then, after he leaves, your wallet's missing, and your wife doesn't want you to let him come over anymore, but you insist that ol' Farnsey really is a "good dude" and is just going through a rough time, and then, one night, he shoots your dog and says that he mistook it for Big Foot.

3. Remember That Leads Are Finite, and Do Not Have To Be Held: Thanks, Andy Pettitte. Your formerly-hormoned ass continues to handle leads about as well as your fragile psyche is handling the Roger Clemens fiasco. Jesus Christ, man! (No, Andy...over here. JC isn't around. It's just you and me.) Three leads blown tonight, and two of them of more than one run. Brilliant, gritty, battle-tested performance there, sir. I salute you. Unfortunately, Chien-Ming Wang and Mike Mussina seem to be following your lead. Aside: Can someone tell them I wasn't being serious, please?

4. Make Sure Your Best Hitters Develop Weird, Unhelpful Habits. Hideki Matsui is second in the American League in average and yet pulls off of EVERY GODDAMN pitch he sees. Tonight's beauty came in the ninth inning when, after A-Rod reached to start the inning and immediately began fucking with Joe Nathan's head at first base, Hideki put an end to that ballyhoo by rolling his hands over on an outside pitch and grounding into a double play. Game over. Add to that Robbie Cano's attempted bunt with 2-on and nobody out earlier in the night and you have the makings of complete offensive ineptitude.

5. Put All of Your "Championship Dreams" on the Shoulders of Children: Joba starts Tuesday! Joba starts Tuesday! Joba starts Tuesday! Thank goodness! Finally, our prayers have been answered! What's that? Shelley Duncan has a homerun stroke! Why, even better! More, you say? Scott Patterson's funky delivery "baffles" hitters? When can I order my playoff tickets? And you're telling me that Melky Cabrera's OBP is nearly .300?! Huzzah! The day is ours!
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The Professor Presents Your Monthly Dose of Cock-eyed Optimism

I feel we need balance. Don't get me wrong...I am frightened. I've seen what every Yankee starter not named after a penis has looked like thus far. I know about Giambi's injury. I know Johnny Damon is swinging (and still throwing) like me. But we have reason for optimism, fellow fans.

And away we go...(feel free to go ahead and kill me in the comments):

1. Matsui - he's hitting pretty well despite the fact that he's still pulling off the ball. Am I the only one who's seeing this? Even the during the single up the middle today I'm pretty sure his right foot was running toward the dugout.

2. Mo & Joba - It's only been 3 wins, but is there anyone out there who doesn't think that it's entirely realistic that these guys could really "shorten" the games to 6 or 7 innings? Joba has been great, lucky too, but great nonetheless. And Mariano is making all of those guys in my fantasy league who let him drop to me as the 8th closer taken look like the Boston-bandwagon posers they are. Assholes. How you like that Huston Street now?

3. Girardi - He stands up in the dugout during the game. He paces a little. He crosses his arms. It wasn't until today that I realized how much Torre's non-reactions were getting to me over the years. It's enough to me that Joe G occasionally proves his leg muscles work.

4. Dave Eiland - Has continually stressed how much he wants his pitchers to throw inside to keep batters uncomfortable. I cannot wait for David Ortiz's first at bat against us this year. If his feet don't move after the first one or two pitches I will be severely disappointed.

5. Abreu - Quietly going about his business and doing exactly what we expected of him this year.

So, my friends, rejoice! We weren't the ones who were just swept by the Blue Jays!
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She Looks Something Like This

NEW YORK: Hideki Matsui suprised teammates and fans alike when, as the end of Spring Training approached, he snuck off to the Big Apple to get married. The public was alarmed, however, to discover that the Japanese slugger had not married an actual woman, but a charcoal drawing of a woman.
This is the funniest thing, I think, I've ever seen. The actual caption to this picture in the New York Post reads, "Hideki Matsui holds up a sketch of his bride."

Is Hideki a time traveler, unfamiliar with the concept of photography? Is it 1814 and portrait renderings are all the rage? I understand the desire for privacy and not wanting to introduce the lovely lady (a "25 year old civilian," according to the Post) to the public, but really, a sketch?

Plus, if the man was going to go down the artistic route, don't you think he could have sprung for a medium classier than my 1 Subject College Ruled Mead Notebook?

Oil-based paints, at the very least?
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Hi! My Name Is: Hideki Matsui (LF / DH)

Each day, "Piss and Wynegar" will present Yankees "player previews" for the coming 2008 season. In what can only be referred to as a "revelatory" strategy, we will use statistics, as well as opinion, to further our analysis.

Hideki Matsui enters ’08 with a freshly-scoped knee and an open-wound in his cheek, after being dangled as trade bait by the Yankees during the off-season. Having briefly appeared to be headed for San Francisco, Godzilla leaves his heart in the Bronx and returns, following a 2007 campaign that, while not awe-inspiring, did produce 25 HR, 103 RBI, and an OBA and SLG consistent with his MLB career stats. Not bad when one considers, also, that his 2006 season was almost entirely lost, due to a broken wrist.

Despite the statistically “just fine” year, Matsui looked awkward at times. Like Johnny Damon, his mediocre-at-best defense and throwing arm seemed more pronounced, especially early in the year when (virtually) the entire team flatlined. As a result, whispers of Matsui’s decline have begun to echo (as they have for many of his teammates), and matters haven't been helped by his failure to appear in a game this Spring Training following the surgery; however, if he puts up another 2007 in 2008, then he can keep declining for as long as he wants.

What struck us as surprising, though, was that when rumors of Matsui-to-San Fran got hot and heavy this winter, nobody seemed to worry about losing this proven, middle-of-the-order bat. Do they expect more?

To read previous "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.