The Madman: Yankees, Why Do You Tease Me?

There is no better time than following a torrid winning streak to complain about the team that you love.

I realize now how unfortunate it is that we did not post much of anything over the course of eight wonderful days for the Yankees. We saw lots of wins, resulting in a legitimate division-lead push, a fantastic (if mildly overrated) trade, and a series win in Fenway. If only we had decided to chime in then, and talk about how proud we were of this team.

But, alas, The Madman has returned to spew his bile in the midst of a logic-defying losing streak; a losing streak that has brought back to light all of the Yankees' shortcomings: a lack of dependable starting pitching, a "light switch" offense that rises and falls like an ocean tide (ooh, figurative language!), and a frustrating tendency to play down to the level of the competition.

Things, in no particular order, that have caused me to pout:

It's my own fault that I continue to listen to sports talk radio, but I can't believe how many "fans" call-in to complain that Alex Rodriguez and Richie Sexson are problems for this team. Does anybody watch the games? A-Rod continues to produce and produce and produce. Richie Sexson continues to sit on the bench, the bench, the bench and (when on the field) play firstbase at a higher level than Giambi and Betemit put together. Please direct your frustrations at legitimate concerns, like...

Melky Cabrera. Everybody makes a big deal about the injuries the Yankees have suffered this year, but I maintain that it's the injuries that haven't befallen us that are holding us back. Why can't Melky and his .652 OPS (2nd worst amongst starters), his 127 Total Bases (worst amongst starters), and his 28 Walks (worst amongst starters) pull a hamstring once in a while?

Robinson Cano. Thanks, Robbie, for remembering that you play professional baseball! If I hear one more person talk about the "cold weather" hampering Cano's swing I'm going to impale him or her with a piece of shattered, maple bat. A really hot July and August does not negate three months of shit. The man makes millions to hit the ball and (occasionally) field it. Learn to do both of those things - you know - the whole fucking year.

Darrel Rasner. Will someone please put this kid out of his misery? Pitching to a 1.80 ERA in May, Rasner ballooned to a 6.47 in June and, fortunately, has trimmed that ERA down to a healthy 6.32 in July. I know ERA doesn't tell you everything you need to know about a pitcher, but in Rasner's case, it does. He stinks. A lot. And yet, the brass seems to believe that he'll return to form. What they don't realize is that Darrell is in form. This is him. And that's a problem.

Derek Jeter. I could talk about The Captain's subpar year, but that doesn't really get to me. In the end, his numbers will be fine. He's actually on pace to strike out less than he has in the last five years; however, my complaint revolves around one statistic in particular: double plays. Derek has grounded into 16 of these bad boys so far in 2008, leading the team. In the last week alone, I've seen him hit into three, each time with a runner in scoring position. This type of inning-killing, out-creating must stop in order for the Yankees to succeed.

Jorge Posada. Damn you, sir, and your shoulder muscle tear. What frustrates me about Posada, besides the massive contract that looks like it will serve as a pre-pension pension by the time these four years are up, is the diva-like attitude that Jorge adopted, all the while knowing that his shoulder was shot. He complained about not wanting to play first; that he was a catcher and wanted to catch (goddamit!); that it was unfair to say he could no longer make the throw to second. A week later, he's riding the pine and deciding when (not if) to have his surgery. Thanks for holding us up for a good two months, Jorge. Much obliged.

Mariano Rivera: I know. Blasphemy. But, seriously, Mo, is the excitement of a save opportunity the only thing that gets you going? Rivera has given up runs in only seven (!) appearances this year, yet six (!) of those appearances have been non-save situations (with the Yankees either tied or trailing). The most recent example has occurred as I type this very complaint, as Mo has given up a "garbage time" homerun against the Orioles that has ended up being the game loser, as the Yankees have executed one of their patented "Holy-Shit-It's-The-9th-Inning-Let's- Take-Our-At-Bats-Seriously" comebacks. Michael Kay likes to insist that Rivera is having his best year ever. Trust me...he's not.

Xavier Nady / Damaso Marte. They really haven't done anything badly. But they will! Oh, yes, they will.

And The Madman will be watching.
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A Modest Proposal

YES network execs, are you listening? You've already taken one shot at reality TV with The Ultimate Roadtrip...and I think we can all say that was a rousing success, right? Right? Anyone? No? OK.

But the time is ripe for what may be the greatest reality show of all time. I present you with...

Lucky Thirteen: The A-Rod Dating Show!!!


Thirteen women compete for the heart of baseball's greatest player.

Now hear me out. Really, we've all had our fill of Michael Kay and there's only so many times you can re-run the Snoop Dog episode of Centerstage so let's strike while the iron is hot and get this done.

First off, we all know this Madonna thing will be over in a hurry and that leaves Alex to his own devices in the middle of NYC. A show like this allows the greater Yankees empire more say in who A-Rod decides to distract himself with next.

A-Rod's breakup with his wife isn't the only impending split that fits perfectly into this plan: with the inevitable breakup of Mike and the Mad Dog, you have the absolute perfect reality show host available now in one Christopher Russo. The hyperbole, the screaming, the speech impediment, and the fact that he will absolutely reek of desperation after being let go by WFAN makes this a perfect storm of Howie Mandel meets Tom Bergeron proportions.

"OH! THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE, ALEX! IT'S A DISGRACE! YOU KISS HER IN A HOT-TUB ONE MINUTE AND THEN SEND HER FANNY HOME THE NEXT? ABSOLUTE DISGRACE...say somethin' funny, Bob Sheppard."

"Number 6, you have been ejected from Lucky Thirteen. And now let's welcome Ronan Tynan...as he sings...Happy Trails...to You. Number 6."

On the other end, contestants who successfully make it through to the next round (we'll call them innings...it's fun!) get a celebratory bump dance from Robinson Cano and Melky Cabrera.

I haven't worked out the other details yet, except that each time someone makes it through to the next inning they have to get one of those classic A-Rod sound bite speeches. Something like: "Hey, y'know...you put yourself in a situation where you could succeed and...I guess it worked out for you this time." Of course this would be counter-balanced with the rejection speech of "Well, you put maximum effort out there, but unfortunately things just didn't work out the way you wanted them to. Just go home tonight, forget about it, and go back out there tomorrow, I guess."

YES execs, get in touch. We'll work it out. Email address is over there on the right.
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Recipe For a .500 Team

Tonight's ridiculous loss to the Minnesota Twins encapsulated everything that is pathetic about the 2008 version of the New York Yankees. Everyone keeps waiting for "the turnaround," but for every couple of wins will come a couple of losses, in quick succession. That said, let's take the events of tonight's game and apply it to the season as a whole; a season that looks like it is headed down a dark (i.e. postseason-less) road. Here's the must-have list when putting together a .500 year:

1. Get Lots of Hits, But Don't Bother Scoring: The Yankees had 15 hits tonight and 5 runs. That's an infuriating ratio...unless, of course, you love singles. Somehow, the Yankees continue to put men on in every possible combination and still find ways to leave them stranded. In an effort to speed up play, I recommend that, from now on, the Yankees simply put two guys on base at the start of each offensive inning, tell the scoreboard guy to add two hits to their total, and then proceed to make three consecutive outs. It's quicker, more efficient baseball.

2. Make Sure Kyle Farnsworth Gets The Ball In Tight Situations: Can Joba start and relieve? For all the talk of Farnsworth's newfound confidence, he sure still does love to cough up runs in big spots! Homeruns, doubles, untimely walks...Kyle can deliver in any one of many heartbreaking fashions. Seeing him return to the set-up roll is like having an old friend move back into the neighborhood...only now he's an alcoholic, and he keeps coming over to use your bathroom because his is "broken," and then, after he leaves, your wallet's missing, and your wife doesn't want you to let him come over anymore, but you insist that ol' Farnsey really is a "good dude" and is just going through a rough time, and then, one night, he shoots your dog and says that he mistook it for Big Foot.

3. Remember That Leads Are Finite, and Do Not Have To Be Held: Thanks, Andy Pettitte. Your formerly-hormoned ass continues to handle leads about as well as your fragile psyche is handling the Roger Clemens fiasco. Jesus Christ, man! (No, Andy...over here. JC isn't around. It's just you and me.) Three leads blown tonight, and two of them of more than one run. Brilliant, gritty, battle-tested performance there, sir. I salute you. Unfortunately, Chien-Ming Wang and Mike Mussina seem to be following your lead. Aside: Can someone tell them I wasn't being serious, please?

4. Make Sure Your Best Hitters Develop Weird, Unhelpful Habits. Hideki Matsui is second in the American League in average and yet pulls off of EVERY GODDAMN pitch he sees. Tonight's beauty came in the ninth inning when, after A-Rod reached to start the inning and immediately began fucking with Joe Nathan's head at first base, Hideki put an end to that ballyhoo by rolling his hands over on an outside pitch and grounding into a double play. Game over. Add to that Robbie Cano's attempted bunt with 2-on and nobody out earlier in the night and you have the makings of complete offensive ineptitude.

5. Put All of Your "Championship Dreams" on the Shoulders of Children: Joba starts Tuesday! Joba starts Tuesday! Joba starts Tuesday! Thank goodness! Finally, our prayers have been answered! What's that? Shelley Duncan has a homerun stroke! Why, even better! More, you say? Scott Patterson's funky delivery "baffles" hitters? When can I order my playoff tickets? And you're telling me that Melky Cabrera's OBP is nearly .300?! Huzzah! The day is ours!
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The Madman Says: The Yankees Are DOA

The reason the slow starts of the last three years have been so frustrating to fans is because, deep down, we knew that the Yankees were a great team that hadn't clicked. We expected / knew that things would turn and each loss merely prolonged unnecessary agony. This year's .500-ish start has a different feel. Somehow, even though the record is actually better at this stage than in seasons' past, the team may actually be playing at the level we should expect. And that, friends, is a scary thought.

Before even taking into account the frightening news on Jorge Posada being reported today by The New York Times, there are a few signs that point toward a anti-climactic 2008:

1. Help Us Andy/Wang, You're Our Only Hope: At this stage, Chien-Ming Wang and Andy Pettitte absolutely have to be lights-out to keep the Yankees afloat. With the question marks behind them in the rotation, the team cannot afford to have shaky outings from their "aces." Wang has held up his end of the bargain (as witnessed by yet another gem against the Indians today), but even a bad start here or there could keep the team from digging out of the holes they will inevitably dig. Pettitte, meanwhile, still looks to have good stuff, but his performance against the Tribe on Friday night (5 IP, 5 R, 8 H, 3 BB) is the type of outing that will certainly rear its ugly head from time to time if only because Andy is older.

2. The Learning Curve: I speak here of Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy. Let's face it, Kennedy was likely one pitch away yesterday, against the Indians, from being sent back to Scranton. The fact that he regrouped after a 3rd inning that saw him wilt under the pressure of the situation has bought him another start or two, but as has been addressed ad nauseum by every Yankees blog, he'll need to learn to trust his stuff, throw strikes, be aggressive in the zone, etc. This will take time, and lots of it. The same goes for Hughes. He, too, has looked overwhelmed and sporadically unsure of his game. Does this mean that they are busts? Absolutely not. Hughes, especially, has the goods; however, to expect them to click within 2 months of their first full year in the Majors is a lot to ask. They will probably need this year, at minimum, to turn themselves into Big League throwers.

3. The 'Pen Returns To Earth: Lots of people got excited, in the first few weeks of the season, about how sharp the bullpen looked, especially with Joba Chamberlain and Mariano Rivera leading the charge. And, while Joba and Mo still look great (Rivera especially impressive), the rest of the group has shown their true colors. LaTroy Hawkins and Kyle Farnsworth may have their moments, but the bad will almost surely outweigh the good, leaving them forever-undependable. Brian Bruney (we hardly knew ye'!) is gone for the year, facing ankle surgery, and while the injury will keep us from knowing for sure, my guess is that he was going to prove unreliable as well, as he did last year. Billy Traber's deal with the devil ran out quicker than expected, and he's back in the minors. Ross Ohlendorff is being overused and doesn't seem to have a role. Is the the long man? The mop-up guy? Or the 9th inning, tie-game, bases loaded stopper, as he was yesterday? Meanwhile, Chris Britton and Jonathan Albaladejo will likely be up and down all year, filling in when necessary. All in all, the 'pen is exactly what we feared it would be: a question mark at best; a hindrance at worst.

4. Slow Start, or Death Knell?: While, essentially, every member of the offense shares responsibilty for Yanks' putrid average with RISP, I'll focus my ire on Robinson Cano, who truly looks like a defeated man. As of today, he has the second lowest batting average of any MLB'er qualified for the batting title. His power is non-existent, as is his sweet, all-fields swing. More importantly, however, his confidence is non-existent, too. Surely, he will not end the year hitting .150, but if the Yankees want to contend this year, they cannot wait around for guys like Cano (and Giambi, Damon, ARod, etc.) to get going. They have to be off and running to make up for the runs that the starting staff and bullpen will surely give up.

5. Accept Your Defeats With Quiet Dignity and Grace: I am not a believer in the old "chemistry helps a team win" idea. If you have diversified talent on the field, you should win whether or not you hate your second baseman's guts or not. So, in making this criticism I am not suggesting that the Yankees lose a lot because of "intangible forces," but merely observing the dynamic of the team. Frankly, Joe Girardi looks like he's wound tighter than a South American-produced baseball circa 1998 (Remember when everybody thought the homerun barrage of the late '90's was because of a juiced ball and not juiced blood veins? Good times.) Girardi, in some respects got the cushiest job in baseball, as well as the hardest. Expectations are soaring, but reality is sinking in. This is not a good combo, and Joe II looks very, very stressed. That stress seems to be manifesting in over-strategising (a different lineup every night, oddly timed days off for starters, the destruction of the depth chart, etc.) Add in Hank Steinbrenner's inability to shut the fuck up, and you've got the makings of a season in which the game on the field is continuously overshadowed by the griping in the back office.

I make these remarks without any inherent anger or disappointment. But, really, am I wrong here? There is no joy in Mudville.
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Hi! My Name Is: Robinson Cano (2B)

Each day, "Piss and Wynegar" will present Yankees "player previews" for the coming 2008 season. In what can only be referred to as a "revelatory" strategy, we will use statistics, as well as opinion, to further our analysis.

Hip-hip, Cano! This veritable Lou Gehrig (What? He lead the team in games played with 160. Duh.) truly is an exciting young man to watch; “exciting,” in this instance, carrying a multitude of positive connotations and a smidgen of negative meaning. It’s hard not to love Robbie at the plate, as no one seems to go on a tear quite like him and, like a Major Leaguer with genuine staying power, he’s improving each year. The only possible caveat to his development is the hefty contract he signed in the off-season, which could lead to world domination or frustrating complacency. Hopefully, it’s the former.

Robinson saw career numbers in HR, RBI, and runs scored in ‘07. He even demonstrated burgeoning patience, improving his BB/AB ratio from 1/27 in ’06, to 1/16 last season. Not bad, especially when one considers that, at times, Cano enjoys swinging at balls that are simply being thrown out of play in-between pitches.

On the flipside, Cano still has some maturing to do. His .353 OBP last season placed him sixth amongst starters, and plate discipline might very well be the culprit. Moreover, Robbie took some heat from game analysts for a weak batting average with bases loaded (.250), and with runners in scoring position and 2-outs (.250). A discipline issue as well? Probably too early to tell, and too small a sample size, but we’ll keep watching nonetheless.

In the field, Cano posted a .984 fielding percentage, but did illicit criticism for occasional lackadaisical defense. If he has an Achilles’ heel, it may be a tendency to non-chalant some grounders. Ideally, this trait will recede with age and a new manager. Like his buddy, Melky, Robinson does some awesome dances in the dugout but, thankfully, his real talent lies in playing the game of baseball.

To read previous "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.