"Holy Shit"

I don't believe in "clutch-hitting," or "grittiness." I don't believe that teams "don't play" for managers that they don't like. I don't believe that "chemistry" has any relevance to baseball, and I don't believe that any one person can "will" a team to win.

I do, however, believe in luck. Good and bad. And I believe that luck has an overwhelming impact on the outcome of a baseball game.

The Yankees are done. Is it in part due to injuries? Sure. But every team has injuries. Is it in part due to questionable in-game decisions? Maybe. But every manager makes them. Is it in part due to several players underperforming? Oh, yes. Yes, it is.

But, after watching this baffling 2-1 loss to the Blue Jays, I am convinced that every luck-infected element of this 2008 season has gone against the Yankees.

Case and point: Johnny Damon is moved to center field in order to allow Hideki Matsui to return as the full-time DH, and so that Xavier Nady can stay in the lineup and play left field. Johnny Damon, in his first game in center, drops (okay, "misplays") two fly balls, including the game winner. In all likelihood, if Brett Gardner, or Melky Cabrera, or even Justin Christian had been patrolling the outfield, that last ball would have gotten caught. The three guys who are essentially useless, except for their speed, could have conceivably allowed us to win the game tonight. Instead, a normally reliable Damon (whose bat needed to be in there) takes an 0-3 and drops a couple in the field

Luck. Or, should I say, lack thereof.

As part of their plethora of replays, the YES Network happened to show a shot of the Blue Jays' dugout as the ball bounced off of Damon's glove. The camera focused on A.J. Burnett who -- expectedly -- dominated the Yankees again. Upon watching the drop, Burnett could be seen exclaiming, "Holy shit!"

Holy shit, indeed, sir.
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Andy Pettitte Pitches Well Against The Royals...But Can Someone Tell Me Why?

Mind-boggling stuff in the YES broadcast booth tonight. Michael Kay and Al Leiter just spent a solid five minutes contemplating the reason(s) that Andy Pettitte has compiled a 19-3 record against the Kansas City Royals, with a 3.58 ERA, over his 13 year career.

Here are the "factors" that they came up with over the course of their discussion:

--Pettitte gets pumped-up against "this color uniform."
--Pettitte likes pitching in Kaufman Stadium.
--Pettitte likes pitching in Yankee Stadium.
--This game (baseball) is very much "mental."

Study those carefully while I consider all of this.

Let's see.

Can I come up with a better reason?

Hmmm....

Well, staring at those blue helmets would certainly take my game to the next level...

I just don't know...

That record is practically Biblical...

This is a tough one...

Oh, forget it. I just can't...WAIT!

Oh, yeah.

How about the fact that the Kansas City Royals have been fucking horrible for as long as Andy Pettitte has been in the league?!

Kansas City's collective record since 1995 (including 2008): 934 - 1268.

Thus, the Royals are 334 games under .500 over the last 13 years! 334!

Andy Pettitte is 91 games over .500 on his own during that same time frame.

Michael? Al? Do you think that, when a good pitcher faces a god-awful lineup for a decade, the potential outcome might favor the good pitcher?

But, then again...baseball is a seriously mental game.
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When John Sterling Thinks You Suck, You Must Really Suck

The Yankees are spiraling out of control, and you need not actually watch a game to understand that this is true. All you need to do is listen.

Normally, on the radio side of things, John Sterling views the Yanks with the proverbial rose-colored glasses. When things go well, it's due to the perfection of the pinstripes; when things go awry, well, "you just can't figure this game out." On the flipside (the TV side), Michael Kay likes to avoid any genuine criticism of the Bombers for fear of offending sensitive YES Network ears (i.e., the suits that sign his checks).

To listen to both of these yakkers in the last two days is to listen to two "glass half-full" voices that are ready to simply smash said glass against the floor.

Yesterday, in the midst of what would become yet another crushing loss, Sterling took the Yankees to task for repeatedly failing to get runners in from third with less than two outs. With no clever homerun calls on the horizon, and seemingly at his wit's end, The Voice literally counted-up the missed opportunities, conjecturing that, had the Yankees shown any ability with RISP throughout the year, the team would not only be winning this game, but would be atop their division. Tough talk from a dude that spends 75% of his air time repeating the word "amazing."

Meanwhile, Michael Kay, during tonight's Yanks/Twins game, became nearly apoplectic as the boys (yet again) failed to drive-in a runner from third (this time with no one out). "Un-be-lievable" enunciated Kay as Melky Cabrera grounded into a routine double play to end the inning. He then spent the better part of the next half-inning theorizing on just how an entire lineup could fail so miserably, so often, in trying to complete a simple task.

While these examples may not seem earth-shatteringly critical, the simple fact that they were uttered at all (by these two, no less) is proof positive that the organization is in full-fledged panic mode. And, really, who can blame them?
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YES Network Needs To Get Laid, Apparently

The pseudo-second half of the 2008 season began tonight with the Yankees taking on the Oakland Athletics and the YES Network was hot to trot.

First, we at Piss and Wynegar salute the network for beating us to the punch when it comes to making childish puns related to Richie Sexson. Before the game even began, the stats of the Yanks' new part-time first baseman (I'll take credit, by the way) were presented with the header, "Sexson and The City." Nice job, YES. The play on words was topical and, most importantly, conjured images of entitled, stuffy white women drinking cosmopolitans to fill the oversexed voids in their lives. Now that's baseball. Nothing gets me ready to watch a ballgame like the thought of Kim Catrall's vagina. Nothing.

Second, I must admit a new appreciation for David "Capt. Obvious" Cone after he shared a questionable on-air anecdote about his early days in the minors. Seems that one small town organization used to run a "25 Cent Beer" gimmick every Wednesday night. Cone, with great pride, recalled that the team owner would allow the players -- with a win -- to stay late and "finish off the kegs." What's more, Cone also gleefully recalled that the young, college-aged "usherettes" employed at the stadium would also be permitted to partake of the libation.

After Cone finished his tale of drunken debauchery, Ken Singleton could only muster an uncomfortable, muffled chuckle.

Nothin' like good ol' sports broadcasting. Fun for the whole family!
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RIP, Bobby

Very sad to hear about the passing of Bobby Murcer. I won't turn this into a long-winded eulogy, especially considering not many people will come across this post, but I just thought a few words were in order.

Bobby Murcer seemed like a genuinely good guy. In a broadcasting world where dull, saccharine analysis is the norm, Murcer gave a game life. His observations were enthusiastic, spontaneous, and even comically bizarre (I believed for years that Bobby had taken a few nips of the flask before stepping into the booth). He always carried a childlike quality that reminded us that this was only a game; a wonderfully exciting and special game.

The reaction of those who knew him to the news only furthers the widely held belief that Murcer was the real deal. I watched (and listened) today as both Joe Girardi and radio voice John Sterling wept openly after being told of his passing. While many thoughtful memories have been and will be shared, hearing these voices crack left me believing in the goodness of Bobby.

And, while I never watched him play (or, at least, can't remember watching him play) I still get emotional watching a replay of Murcer slash that game-winning single against the Orioles on the day that his best friend, Thurman Munson, was laid to rest.
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A Modest Proposal

YES network execs, are you listening? You've already taken one shot at reality TV with The Ultimate Roadtrip...and I think we can all say that was a rousing success, right? Right? Anyone? No? OK.

But the time is ripe for what may be the greatest reality show of all time. I present you with...

Lucky Thirteen: The A-Rod Dating Show!!!


Thirteen women compete for the heart of baseball's greatest player.

Now hear me out. Really, we've all had our fill of Michael Kay and there's only so many times you can re-run the Snoop Dog episode of Centerstage so let's strike while the iron is hot and get this done.

First off, we all know this Madonna thing will be over in a hurry and that leaves Alex to his own devices in the middle of NYC. A show like this allows the greater Yankees empire more say in who A-Rod decides to distract himself with next.

A-Rod's breakup with his wife isn't the only impending split that fits perfectly into this plan: with the inevitable breakup of Mike and the Mad Dog, you have the absolute perfect reality show host available now in one Christopher Russo. The hyperbole, the screaming, the speech impediment, and the fact that he will absolutely reek of desperation after being let go by WFAN makes this a perfect storm of Howie Mandel meets Tom Bergeron proportions.

"OH! THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE, ALEX! IT'S A DISGRACE! YOU KISS HER IN A HOT-TUB ONE MINUTE AND THEN SEND HER FANNY HOME THE NEXT? ABSOLUTE DISGRACE...say somethin' funny, Bob Sheppard."

"Number 6, you have been ejected from Lucky Thirteen. And now let's welcome Ronan Tynan...as he sings...Happy Trails...to You. Number 6."

On the other end, contestants who successfully make it through to the next round (we'll call them innings...it's fun!) get a celebratory bump dance from Robinson Cano and Melky Cabrera.

I haven't worked out the other details yet, except that each time someone makes it through to the next inning they have to get one of those classic A-Rod sound bite speeches. Something like: "Hey, y'know...you put yourself in a situation where you could succeed and...I guess it worked out for you this time." Of course this would be counter-balanced with the rejection speech of "Well, you put maximum effort out there, but unfortunately things just didn't work out the way you wanted them to. Just go home tonight, forget about it, and go back out there tomorrow, I guess."

YES execs, get in touch. We'll work it out. Email address is over there on the right.
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Michael Kay Wants You Well-Rested

Michael Kay is a paradox, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a mystery. If you listen to his radio show on ESPN Radio, you’ll hear a man with strong (even blowhard) opinions about all things sport – including very critical commentary regarding the Yankees. On that show he pulls very few punches.

To listen to him do play-by-play on the YES Network, however, one would think it is a different man. He is a rah-rah guy, to put it mildly, and “criticism” usually comes in the form of a carefully-phrased question, or the deadly “While I don’t necessarily agree, some people think…” routine. He clearly fears biting the hand that feeds him on television (read: the Yankees), even though he is paid to provide insight.

Nowhere was this contradiction in approach better illustrated than during Tuesday night’s game against the Tigers; a game that probably saw Phil Hughes breathe his last at the pro level for now. Late in the evening, as the Yankees prepared to go down in defeat, Kay decided to pontificate on the reason for the Yankees’ poor performance. I am paraphrasing the following, but it is essentially word-for-word:

“Do you think the Yankees poor effort tonight is due to the pitching of Kenny Rogers and [the three relievers that followed], or is it the fact that the Yankees are just tired from such a long road trip?”

“Tired from the long road trip”? Are you kidding? Notice: not one mention of the fact that the Yankees left 13 men on base over the course of the game. No mention of the fact that the Tigers walked the bases loaded on two separate occasions and the Yankees only managed to score one measly run. No mention, either, of the continuing failure of everyone in the lineup to hit with RISP. No, it must be that they’re tired, Michael, not just completely inept in every facet of the game right now. Because to say that they are inept would be critical, and seeing as this isn’t your radio show, we must not criticize, we must merely hypothesize.

All of this, not to mention the fact that it’s April! They’ve played less than 30 games! Yes, 18 of 20 on the road is a long haul, but it’s not like the team is sleeping in their cars. They stay in five-star hotels, earn hundreds of dollars a day in fucking food money (despite the fact that they’re millionaires), and, in general, live like royalty.

But, sure, they're exhausted. Poor babies. I recommend a new stat to be added to the traditional AVG / HR / RBI / OBP staple: HSLN (Hours Slept Last Night). Without it, how am I to know why my favorite player keeps popping out to the shortstop?

David Cone, Where Have You Been All My Life?

When he wasn't masturbating in the bullpen or losing feeling in his right arm, David Cone was an awesome pitcher. The memory of watching his perfect game against Montreal in '99 will always be one of those rare "I remember where I was and what I was doing" baseball recollections. Even when he went to the Red Sox at the end of his career I kind of rooted for him, because I loved watching him pitch. (Do you remember that he was the opposing -- and equally dominant -- pitcher in Mike Mussina's 8 2/3 perfect game at Fenway Park in September of 2001?)

So, it is with a heavy heart that I publicly declare my disdain for David Cone, The YES Analyst.

Dear lord, he's horrible. And, yes, I know he was calling his first game today, but really. Why is it that all YES announcers be lobotomized before stepping in the booth? Ken Singleton (who called the game with Cone), John Flaherty, and even Joe Girardi (before he got the managing gig), have made a career out of dull, saccharine commentary devoid of any form of insight. When Al Leiter is the best "color man" on the roster because he's generally cranky, you know there are problems.

Clearly taking his cues from the School of Half-Full Glasses, here is just a small sample of Cone's wit and wisdom from today's Yankees / Royals game:

Cone, The Insightful: "That was close. It could have gone either way."
(Remarked following a check swing by Ross Gload that is called a swinging strike by the 3B umpire.)

Cone, The Elaborator: "Yes. Very nice."
(Remarked after Ken Singleton points out that Royals starter Brian Bannister has changed his number to #19, the jersey worn by his father, and commenting, "That's a nice way to honor your father.")

Cone, The Fucking Moron: "Very impressive. He's still trying to hit his spots."
(Remarked after Phil Hughes throws his 17th ball in a row in the 3rd inning...and also his 80th pitch of the game.)

Don't ruin my memories, Cone. I'm still trying to get over Paul O'Neill's transformation from tantrum-throwing badass on the field to girlie-laughing sidekick in the booth. Just back away from the mic.

Of course, the epitome of horseshit YES announcing still belongs to the aforementioned Ken Singleton. A couple of years back, when the Yanks were playing the (Devil) Rays, Singleton decided that the viewing audience just had to know about a conversation he had had about Carl Crawford with Tampa's hitting coach. According to Singleton, he broke the ice by commenting to the coach, "Hey, that Carl Crawford is a good hitter."

The response from the hitting coach? I'll let Maas finish the story in the comments.

VT Stands for "Very Touching" (And Don't You Forget It)

As a preamble to the following post, let us first say that we think the fact that the Yankees have traveled up to Virginia Tech to play the baseball team in an exhibition game is awesome. Truly. It must be an absolute blast for the college boys (and their fans) to have the Bombers come in, play their regulars, and give a community that endured an indescribably horrible tragedy a thrill. It's a classy gesture that should be praised in all respects.

And this is what makes the YES Network coverage of the event all the more cringe-worthy.

I have watched a majority of the play-by-play and have opted to mute my television for the simple fact that the self-congratulatory genuflecting has begun to make me ill. At every possible turn, Michael Kay (YES' #1 Yankees broadcaster, in case you didn't know) has praised the Yankees for their selfless desire to play this game. Honestly, Kay seems to be one ball-out-of-play-moment-of-downtime away from suggesting that the Yankees be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.

We've also been told that every one of these Va. Tech kids is giddy as a schoolgirl to be playing the same men they grew up watching on television. Every single one of them. Seriously. There is not one ballplayer on this team that slept last night. That's how excited they are. And do you know why? Because it's the fucking Yankees they're playing, that's why.

What I learned today by watching YES:

*Every member of the Yankees wanted to be here. They were passionate about being here. (Except Mike Mussina, Mariano Rivera and Jose Molina. Those douchebags are playing in minor league games back in Florida.)

*One of the Virginia Tech pitchers is such a big Yankees fan that he has several Yankees hats. Different colors, and everything!

*Alex Rodriguez decided to sit in the Va. Tech dugout and mingle with the little peop...err...college club. And he's signing autographs! Can you believe it?!

*Shelley Duncan is not a good first baseman.

*The sight of a sold out VT stadium is nothing short of "moving."

*If the Va. Tech team looks a little sloppy, it's just because they're so gosh darn nervous to be playing the New York Yankees!

*The VT head coach is a Red Sox fan, but he's allowed his sons to don pinstriped uniforms and serve as Yankees bat boys! See? The Yankees are better!

*The Yankees presence is helping with "the healing."

*The result of every Va. Tech at-bat is not a hit, walk, error or out...it's a dream come true.

Let's be honest, folks. While we're sure the Yankees, collectively, considered it an honor to play a part in this game, and the VT boys will have stories to tell forever, there is something to be said for letting a moment breathe. Is it necessary to constantly remind us of how momentous an experience is, or, in this case, how wonderful the Yankees are?

Wait. What's that?

Michael Kay is telling me, "YES."