Hope CC Doesn't Read the Paper

Leave it to the New York media to find smoke where there is no fire. With the ascension of Hal "The Chemically Balanced One" Steinbrenner to the Yankees throne, it took beat reporters one day to try and turn Boss II into his father.

When Hal remarked (off-handedly, on his way out of a meeting, mind you) that the timetable on the Yankees' ridiculously lucrative offer to CC Sabathia is "not indefinite," reporters decided to make it a scandal. Today's NY Daily News, for instance, grandly pronounces on its cover that Hal has ordered Sabathia to "make up his mind." Other news sources have echoed the sentiment, somehow confusing a bland (and obvious) comment with a stern mandate.

Of course the goddamned offer isn't indefinite. As a colleague of mine pointed out today, it is most surely temporary, if only because it will probably be taken off the table so that the Yanks can offer the big boy even more money when a West Coast team gets in on the bidding.

In any event, the reaction to this non-story got me thinking...imagine if the media treated every mundane remark with the same hyperbolic frenzy:

*"Incredulous McDonald's Employee Insists That Fries Be Considered"
*"Pessimistic Weatherman Refers to Mostly Sunny Day as Partly Cloudy"
*"Cop Orders Suspect to Put Hands on Head; Does Not Say 'Please'"
*"Dentist's Patient Spits While in Chair"
*"Barack Obama Taxes Wealthy; Establishes Socialist Government"

That last one is too ridiculous to even imagine being printed.

In other news: Hey, did you know Mike Mussina retired? Did you know he's a borderline Hall of Famer? Did you know he likes crossword puzzles? Did you know he knew he would retire before this season even began? Did you know he won 20 games for the first time in 2008? Did you know he was kind of a dick to the reporters who are now celebrating him as "his own man"? Did you know he was so bad in 2007 that he lost his spot in the rotation but that everyone has conveniently forgotten that because it tarnishes a "feel good" story?

I sure didn't know all that. I'm glad every reporter on the planet has filled me in over the last 24 hours.

Oh, wait. I did know all that. Wow. I've wasted a lot of time today.
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Let's Play "Name That Headline"!

With Xavier Nady propelling the Yankees to a 14-9, "come-from-behind" (x 2) victory over the Angels today (four hits, 6 RBI), I think today is the perfect day to play a round of "Name That Headline". Your goal: correctly guess the wordplay / pun / rhyme that will grace the back cover of at least one of the major New York tabloids tomorrow.

I'll give it a go!

"X Man"
"X Marks The Spot"
"X Factor"
"Xavier The Savior"
"Thanks, We Nady'd That"
"Astros Sweep Mets"
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Idiocy Led To Four Championships

It's time for some anecdotal fun! This little piece of eye-popping information comes directly from the mouth of Bob Watson, the former Yankees General Manager and the man responsible for hiring Joe Torre in the winter of 1995; a move that ushered in the "dynasty era" that spoiled all of us to death.

I happened to catch a WFAN interview with Mr. Watson, who was attending the All-Star FanFest in NYC. One of the questions posed to him was, "What made you hire Joe Torre?" A good question, especially considering the fact that Torre's managerial career to that point had not been very illustrious (the NY Daily News front page headline on the day of the signing was, "CLUELESS JOE").

So, was it Torre's calm, professional presence that made Watson hire him? His baseball acumen? His ability to "diffuse controversy," or his penchant for green tea?

"He was my idol," responded Bob Watson, then-GM of the richest franchise in all of sport.

He hired Joe Torre because he "idolized" him as a player.

Holy shit.

Does anyone else find this unnerving? Don't you think that there should be a few more...I don't know...qualifications involved in picking your manager?! Until now I have romanticized the early-to-mid-90's period in Yankees' administrative history. I have always imagined Gene Michael, Showalter, and Watson (not Steinbrenner...not him) concocting a masterful plan for world domination, then putting that plan in motion by destroying one of its creators (Buck) and hiring Torre.

Now I realize, had the cards fallen a little differently, a guy like Joe Pepitone could have been the successor to Buck Showalter. No wonder everything is so difficult for this team now. We're finally paying back the karma loan.
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A Modest Proposal

YES network execs, are you listening? You've already taken one shot at reality TV with The Ultimate Roadtrip...and I think we can all say that was a rousing success, right? Right? Anyone? No? OK.

But the time is ripe for what may be the greatest reality show of all time. I present you with...

Lucky Thirteen: The A-Rod Dating Show!!!


Thirteen women compete for the heart of baseball's greatest player.

Now hear me out. Really, we've all had our fill of Michael Kay and there's only so many times you can re-run the Snoop Dog episode of Centerstage so let's strike while the iron is hot and get this done.

First off, we all know this Madonna thing will be over in a hurry and that leaves Alex to his own devices in the middle of NYC. A show like this allows the greater Yankees empire more say in who A-Rod decides to distract himself with next.

A-Rod's breakup with his wife isn't the only impending split that fits perfectly into this plan: with the inevitable breakup of Mike and the Mad Dog, you have the absolute perfect reality show host available now in one Christopher Russo. The hyperbole, the screaming, the speech impediment, and the fact that he will absolutely reek of desperation after being let go by WFAN makes this a perfect storm of Howie Mandel meets Tom Bergeron proportions.

"OH! THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE, ALEX! IT'S A DISGRACE! YOU KISS HER IN A HOT-TUB ONE MINUTE AND THEN SEND HER FANNY HOME THE NEXT? ABSOLUTE DISGRACE...say somethin' funny, Bob Sheppard."

"Number 6, you have been ejected from Lucky Thirteen. And now let's welcome Ronan Tynan...as he sings...Happy Trails...to You. Number 6."

On the other end, contestants who successfully make it through to the next round (we'll call them innings...it's fun!) get a celebratory bump dance from Robinson Cano and Melky Cabrera.

I haven't worked out the other details yet, except that each time someone makes it through to the next inning they have to get one of those classic A-Rod sound bite speeches. Something like: "Hey, y'know...you put yourself in a situation where you could succeed and...I guess it worked out for you this time." Of course this would be counter-balanced with the rejection speech of "Well, you put maximum effort out there, but unfortunately things just didn't work out the way you wanted them to. Just go home tonight, forget about it, and go back out there tomorrow, I guess."

YES execs, get in touch. We'll work it out. Email address is over there on the right.
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I'm Writing A New Musical!

I hate Kevin Youkilis. Hate him. Sure, most Yankees fans say they hate Manny, or David Ortiz, but that's because they continuously beat our brains in on the field. I hate Youkilis because of what he clearly is as a human being: a petulant man-child.

My distaste for "Youk" began when he grew that goddamn goatee a couple of years back. It smelled of over-compensation; a theory that I began to believe in even more as the goatee grew longer and thicker with each passing series. Granted, this dislike was uncalled for, but it became warranted in August, 2007, when Youkilis, after Joba Chamberlain threw behind him on 2 consecutive pitches, turned to the homeplate umpire and could clearly be seen yelping, "Throw him out!" That's right, as opposed to charging the mound, or merely pointing his bat toward the pitcher and mouthing-off, He of the Facial Thicket hid behind the chest protector of an umpire, like a 7-year old little boy.

During tonight's game I was reminded of that pathetic display when Chamberlain again threw behind Youkilis (only this time it was one pitch, and it was behind the knees). Once again, Youk looked to the umpire for help, and when he didn't receive it he literally waited until the inning was over and complained to the ump again, in plain sight of camera and crowd.

Consider, too, that, earlier this season, Manny "Where Am I?" Ramirez called Youkilis out for having hissy fits, and you've got yourself a surefire asshole.

That's why I have decided to pen a new musical based on the life of one Kevin Youkilis. Behold:

"The Whiniest Bitch," a new musical by Pasqua.

Featuring such songs as:

• "The Bad Man Threw Behind Me"
• "I Wanna Play First Base (I Wanna!)"
• "Lost in Your Goatee"
• "Ball 4 is Job 1"
• "Walk Like A Man, Even When You're Not"
• "I'm An All-Star and You're Not"

and

• "I Don't Know Much, But I Know You're A Douchebag" (a duet with Manny Ramirez)

I really think this show has potential. Feel free to contribute any additional song ideas.

P.S. I'm also penning a tune based on Joe Girardi. The working title: "I'm Wound Tighter Than My Offense"
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Reflecting On "The Start"

Not to be one of those "told ya' so" type of dudes, but...I told ya' so.

Joba's 2 1/3 inning "start" on Tuesday night was strange and sad on many levels. I have thought long and hard about how to address it; how to capture the essence of the evening, especially as Chamberlain labored through 37 1st inning pitches. What were the sights, sounds, tastes, and smells that defined the moment? This is what I've come up with:

Do you remember that old Saturday Night Live sketch in which Jason Priestley plays a figure skater who has worked all his life to make it to the Olympics and his moment has finally arrived? And he steps onto the ice, with his mother, who we are told drove him each early morning to the ice rink several hours from their home, watching nervously from the stands? And on the first leap of his program he falls on his face, illiciting a pained "Oh!" from the commentators (Phil Hartman and Dana Carvey) as they realize the dream is over for this young man? But he gets up, continues to skate, and proceeds to fall every 3-4 seconds until we finally see his lifeless, motionless body sliding across the ice as the announcers begin promoting the events we'll see later in the the night?

That's kind of what I was thinking about as I watched Joba pitch.
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Three In A Row: The Story Behind The Streak

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

The Yankees awe-inspiring, three-game winning streak is not due to the quality starts of Darrel Rasner, Ian Kennedy, and Andy Pettitte. Nor is the streak attributable to the timely hitting of virtually everyone in the lineup (including a suddenly-awakened Robinson Cano).

What's that? A golden thong? Pish-posh. Child-like superstision.

Ladies and gentleman, the Yankees turnaround is thanks, in full, to Jason Giambi: Gay Porn Star.

Oh My Goodness Gracious! Happy Anniversary!

Up Your Butt, Jobu

In an earlier post I made fun of Kyle Farnsworth for donning glasses in a Ricky Vaughn-like attempt to gain some control of his pitches. Now it looks like I owe Kyle an apology...because, apparently, it wasn't his idea.

That's right, folks, the Yankees have found a way to save the season!

This is spectacular news for all of us Yankee fans because it is a sure fire win. Besides the illustrious Mr. Farnsworth, many have gone on to have dominant careers after adding the fearsome specs. Like this guy. And this guy. And him.

So once Phil returns from his oblique/rib/hamstring/quad/feelings injury expect him to dominate, only to be replaced by an old, religious Southerner (Pettitte) in a one game playoff for the division that will be won on a Jose Molina bunt single.

That's the plan, anyway.

Is This What They Mean By, "It's Only April"?

Tampa Bay	14	11	.560	-
Baltimore	14	11	.560	-
Boston	15	12	.556	-
NY Yankees	13	13	.500	1.5
Toronto	11	15	.423	3.5

Umm...Yeah. That About Sums It Up.

I swear to you that I had every intention of writing a full post on "Ortiz Jersey Buried In The New Yankee Stadium"-gate; however, I then watched this video courtesy of a blog called "Red Sox Monster," via "Deadspin."

I no longer need to write a post about this particular story.

The Game Plan: A Short Play by Pasqua

Setting:
-Fenway Park, Boston, MA; visitors' clubhouse

Time:
-April 12, 2008; approximately 2:00 pm EST

Characters:
-Mike Mussina, NY Yankees Starting Pitcher
-Dave Eiland, NY Yankees Pitching Coach

[EILAND approaches MUSSINA to discuss the pitcher's upcoming start against the Boston Red Sox.]

EILAND: Hey, Moose.

MUSSINA: [Putting down his newspaper.] Hey, Eils.

EILAND: Finishing your crossword, huh?

MUSSINA: You know it. Can you think of a 7-letter word for "Carb crisper?"

[Pause.]

EILAND: "Toaster"?

[MUSSINA picks-up his newspaper and counts, silently.]

MUSSINA: Bingo. Nice job, Eils.

EILAND: Glad I could help. But, actually, Moose, I'm here to talk about your start today.

MUSSINA: Oh, right. Feelin' good, coach. Gotta say, my knuckle curve is really knucklin' and curvin' lately.

EILAND: Excellent, Moose. Excellent. But, listen, have you looked at the numbers on some of these hitters lately?

MUSSINA: Got 'em right here.

[MUSSINA holds up his "Boston Red Sox Media Guide."]

EILAND: Did you notice that David Ortiz is hitting like .075 on the year?

[MUSSINA scans a page in the media guide.]

MUSSINA: Papi...Papi...Papi...oh, here it is. Yup. David Ortiz, .075. 3 hits all year.

EILAND: Right. So, I'm figurin', with Papi slumping so badly, there's only one guy in their lineup that we really need to worry about today.

[MUSSINA looks skyward, pondering; contemplative.]

MUSSINA: Lugo?

EILAND: No.

MUSSINA: Youkilis?

EILAND: Nope. Though, that goatee is intimidating.

MUSSINA: I give up. Who do we have to worry about?

EILAND: Well, Manny's hittin' behind Ortiz, as usual.

MUSSINA: Oh, right! Manny...in the clean-up spot!

EILAND: Right.

MUSSINA: Yeah, I've been thinking about how to pitch to him, what with Ortiz hitting .075 and nobody else in the lineup possessing any real power or plate coverage, except for Manny.

EILAND: Good. That's good, Moose. So, now that we've established that Manny is the only guy in the lineup who can do any real damage to us, what with Ortiz mired in a horrible, horrible slump, how are you going to go after him?

MUSSINA: Hanging breaking balls and 85 MPH fastballs that leak back over the middle of the plate, coach.

EILAND: 'Atta boy, Moose. 'Atta boy.

[EILAND turns and goes, leaving MUSSINA to resume his crossword puzzle in peace.]

Fin.

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Do it, people.

She Looks Something Like This

NEW YORK: Hideki Matsui suprised teammates and fans alike when, as the end of Spring Training approached, he snuck off to the Big Apple to get married. The public was alarmed, however, to discover that the Japanese slugger had not married an actual woman, but a charcoal drawing of a woman.
This is the funniest thing, I think, I've ever seen. The actual caption to this picture in the New York Post reads, "Hideki Matsui holds up a sketch of his bride."

Is Hideki a time traveler, unfamiliar with the concept of photography? Is it 1814 and portrait renderings are all the rage? I understand the desire for privacy and not wanting to introduce the lovely lady (a "25 year old civilian," according to the Post) to the public, but really, a sketch?

Plus, if the man was going to go down the artistic route, don't you think he could have sprung for a medium classier than my 1 Subject College Ruled Mead Notebook?

Oil-based paints, at the very least?
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The Mighty Crystal Has Struck Out

Paul Maholm, you have my undying respect.

Let’s face it. The “Billy Crystal is a Yankee for a Day” thing was ridiculous. You might even go so far as to say that it was a farce. Working out with the team is fine. Taking batting practice with the team is adorable. Running drills with the team is quaint. But playing in an actual Major League Baseball game is bordering on sacrilegious.

We’re not prudes. Fun is fun. But we also believe in the sanctity of the game, and bringing in some guy off of the street to play in a game between two legit squads – regardless of whether it is Spring Training or not – is outrageous. And, just because Billy Crystal is famous, and 60, doesn’t exempt him from this fact. In the world of baseball he is “some guy.” What has he contributed to warrant this kind of special treatment? He loved Mickey Mantle? He remembers the old Yankee Stadium? Does a mean Bob Shepard impersonation? Can spin yarn about “the good ol’ days” when he could by a bleacher seat for a nickel and be whisked away by the aura of Yankees baseball?

Mix in the debacle that was the Dane Cook “This Is October” campaign last year, and MLB’s fascination with over-hyped comedians is getting uncomfortable.

In retrospect, we should probably look on the bright side. The two teams could have turned this into a bit, in which Maholm would have thrown behind Crystal, who would then have uproariously charged the pitcher, only to grab his back and feign a muscle spasm as he approached the mound, at which point Jason Bay would have picked-up Billy, put him over his shoulder and placed him, gently, back in the batter’s box. Comedy gold! (Actually in my mind, this was the original plan, but it had to be scrapped when Shelley Duncan threatened to body slam Xavier Nady if “anybody touches Billy!”)

To Crystal’s credit, though (and we can give credit here; we’re not that angry), he did take a couple of good hacks, and even…worked the count? He meant business, and the simple fact that he touched an 88 mph fastball (or so the radar gun said) warrants a slap on the back. But, really, DH? In a real game? Leading off?

I swear to God, if Kevin Costner even shows his face in a Major League locker room this season, just blow up the Hall of Fame.

Don't Make Shelley Duncan Angry. You Wouldn't Like Him When He's Angry.

Yup. He’s retarded.

Look, Shelley, we’re all for the balls-out, smashmouth play; however, when you announce to the general public precisely when and how you intend to seek revenge on another team for a perceived dirty hit, you officially enter the ranks of “moron.”

Yesterday’s altercation with the Rays was ugly on a lot of levels. In some respects we blame the Yankees: the aftermath of the Francisco Cervelli / Elliott Johnson collision came across as somewhat whiny. Joe Girardi was standing up for his guys when he called the hit inappropriate, but Joe should know, better than anyone, the perils of catching. Plus, he was a tough guy behind the plate, and I know that because the media has been telling me all week. The hit was hard, aggressive, and probably a little bit dirty (the cross-body-block tackle seemed a bit much) but, for God’s sake, take it like professional athletes are supposed to take it: say nothing and then buzz Carl Crawford up and in on Opening Day.

But Shelley’s comments leading up to yesterday were especially ridiculous. The whole “I didn’t think you ran over catchers in Spring Training. I guess we’ll have to play with a different intensity now,” shtick sounded childish and professional athletes should never attempt layered innuendo. Most people probably think Duncan has assured himself a role with the “big club,” thanks to his taking matters into his own hands; however, if anything, Lenny might have cost himself a spot on the team to start the year, if only because he’s sure to be suspended, and we doubt the Yankees will want to start the year a man down.

The Rays, however, are also to blame for this fiasco. There are few things more aggravating to us than the “How dare you?!” reaction from a team after they initiate a controversy. Whether the Rays believed that the Johnson hit was clean or not, they had to be ready for it! Any man, woman, or child who watched the collision understood that retaliation would be had at some point. So, spare us the sudden indignation. I’m looking at you Jonny Gomes. (Where the hell did you come from, by the way? You were on Duncan quicker than Spitzer on a prostitute.) And, for Joe Maddon to call Duncan’s take-out slide “borderline criminal,” is just pathetic. Let me get this straight: body chopping a catcher at the plate is “hardnosed,” but a spikes-up slide into second base is “contemptible”? Funny how different things look from the other side, ay Joe?

We pause, also, for a brief shout-out to the umpires, who perceived the early innings of this game to be a bonafied Pearl Harbor attack. Men in Blue, did you really believe that the Yankees had sent Heath Phillips to the mound to do their dirty work? Heath Phillips? Trust us, if the Bombers wanted to send a message, they would have made sure an erratic flame-thrower was on the mound. Kyle Farnsworth is good for something, you know.

Lastly, however, we save our ire for the media, on whom we lay the most blame. We all know that Spring Training is boring. The games are boring, the interviews are boring, everything is boring. Tweaked hamstrings and simulated games / bullpen sessions get the brunt of the attention. We get it. Not sexy. But, media: you caused this fight. From the second the collision occurred the stories came fast and furious. Will this cause retaliation? Will the Yankees fight back? Who will do it? When will it happen? Someone please read this exciting yet hypothetical report! In the end, you give a story life…even the non-stories. And, although Cervelli broke his wrist in a very unfortunate event, this was basically a non-story.

But, even the worst fisherman sometimes catches a fish (Did we just invent a new colloquialism?) and, to all the beat writers out there, your fish was obviously Shelley Duncan who, as previously mentioned, is retarded. You baited him, hook, line and sinker. You got him to bite on the retaliation angle, and you got what you wanted; an embarrassing, bench-clearing fight in March. And now, we’ll have to endure another week’s worth of stories about retaliation for the retaliation. As if the Yankees / Red Sox ordeal isn’t exhausting enough.

If you had your way, this would end with Rocco Baldelli dead, on his bathroom floor, with the initials “D.J.” carved into his chest.

Thankfully, as passive as it sounds, at least nobody got hurt in the brawl.

And at least we got that awesome picture of Akinori Iwamura getting a cleat stuck in his balls.

The Greatest Thing that has Ever Been on the Internet Ever! Ever, Goddamn You!

Recently, Phil Hughes has gotten a lot of attention for his new blog. He deserves it - it's entertaining enough and the guy actually seems to appreciate his fan base. But all of this love for Philly-boy has caused us to overlook something that should be considered nothing less than a national treasure.

It is sublime.

It is Chien-Ming Wang's blog.

Now I don't want to make fun of it too much...the guy does seem to give to an awful lot of Taiwanese charities, and that is surely commendable.

But, fellow bloggers and blog readers, Wang's greatest gift to all of us is simply this...

The list of archived articles.

BEHOLD! Wang jokes!

12.07 Wang makes two dreams come true
10.03 Subdued Wang given critical test
09.21 Wang lasts seven strong innings
08.27 Statement regarding Wang Merchandise
08.08 Wang struggles in Toronto
06.28 Wang let off the hook
06.12 Wang goes seven strong innings (twice!)
05.16 Yankees earn split behind Wang
05.10 Wang roughed up by Rangers
May Wang makes The TIME 100
04.24 Wang delivers solid performance
04.24 Notes: Wang warmly welcomed back
08.02 Wang dominates Toronto
07.27 Poise and humor carry Wang far

And it may just be me...but the presence of the word "Wang" just seems to make anything - even the nonsensical - funny.

12.06 Wang donates equipment
11.15 Wang reunites with Karstens
05.05 Wang nearly perfect in Yanks' rout
04.29 Wang can't slow Red Sox
03.24 Wang to start season on disabled list
08.23 Wang has his way against Mariners
08.18 Wang cool under pressure in victory
05.17 Wang rescues Yanks again

Enjoy!
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ARod: Yanks 'Not the Team to Beat'

OK. Before we get into team previews and what-not let's just get this out of the way. That's right, kids!

IT'S OUR FIRST AROD POST!

But it's not what you think.

I fully expect the headline above (or something like it) to be the header for Lupica's next column - or at least mentioned in passing in some of our illustrious New York tabloids - so I'm going to do something unprecedented in the history of Yankeefandom. I shall now defend Alex Rodriguez before anyone even bothers to attack him.

The real reason I'm writing this is that all winter I've been thinking the exact thing ARod said. What it amounts to is "Damn, isn't it nice not to be expected to win?" Isn't it refreshing not to have listen to Mets or Sawx fans who say "anything less than a Series title is a letdown for you" and then have to hear one of an endless litany of payroll comments?

And - gasp - ARod said it perfectly .

"We don't feel like we have to defend something we don't have."

Genius.

Well...he didn't embarrass himself anyway.

So, no guarantees. Young pitching staff. No first baseman. New manager.

This season might actually be fun .
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