The Mighty Crystal Has Struck Out

Paul Maholm, you have my undying respect.

Let’s face it. The “Billy Crystal is a Yankee for a Day” thing was ridiculous. You might even go so far as to say that it was a farce. Working out with the team is fine. Taking batting practice with the team is adorable. Running drills with the team is quaint. But playing in an actual Major League Baseball game is bordering on sacrilegious.

We’re not prudes. Fun is fun. But we also believe in the sanctity of the game, and bringing in some guy off of the street to play in a game between two legit squads – regardless of whether it is Spring Training or not – is outrageous. And, just because Billy Crystal is famous, and 60, doesn’t exempt him from this fact. In the world of baseball he is “some guy.” What has he contributed to warrant this kind of special treatment? He loved Mickey Mantle? He remembers the old Yankee Stadium? Does a mean Bob Shepard impersonation? Can spin yarn about “the good ol’ days” when he could by a bleacher seat for a nickel and be whisked away by the aura of Yankees baseball?

Mix in the debacle that was the Dane Cook “This Is October” campaign last year, and MLB’s fascination with over-hyped comedians is getting uncomfortable.

In retrospect, we should probably look on the bright side. The two teams could have turned this into a bit, in which Maholm would have thrown behind Crystal, who would then have uproariously charged the pitcher, only to grab his back and feign a muscle spasm as he approached the mound, at which point Jason Bay would have picked-up Billy, put him over his shoulder and placed him, gently, back in the batter’s box. Comedy gold! (Actually in my mind, this was the original plan, but it had to be scrapped when Shelley Duncan threatened to body slam Xavier Nady if “anybody touches Billy!”)

To Crystal’s credit, though (and we can give credit here; we’re not that angry), he did take a couple of good hacks, and even…worked the count? He meant business, and the simple fact that he touched an 88 mph fastball (or so the radar gun said) warrants a slap on the back. But, really, DH? In a real game? Leading off?

I swear to God, if Kevin Costner even shows his face in a Major League locker room this season, just blow up the Hall of Fame.

Don't Make Shelley Duncan Angry. You Wouldn't Like Him When He's Angry.

Yup. He’s retarded.

Look, Shelley, we’re all for the balls-out, smashmouth play; however, when you announce to the general public precisely when and how you intend to seek revenge on another team for a perceived dirty hit, you officially enter the ranks of “moron.”

Yesterday’s altercation with the Rays was ugly on a lot of levels. In some respects we blame the Yankees: the aftermath of the Francisco Cervelli / Elliott Johnson collision came across as somewhat whiny. Joe Girardi was standing up for his guys when he called the hit inappropriate, but Joe should know, better than anyone, the perils of catching. Plus, he was a tough guy behind the plate, and I know that because the media has been telling me all week. The hit was hard, aggressive, and probably a little bit dirty (the cross-body-block tackle seemed a bit much) but, for God’s sake, take it like professional athletes are supposed to take it: say nothing and then buzz Carl Crawford up and in on Opening Day.

But Shelley’s comments leading up to yesterday were especially ridiculous. The whole “I didn’t think you ran over catchers in Spring Training. I guess we’ll have to play with a different intensity now,” shtick sounded childish and professional athletes should never attempt layered innuendo. Most people probably think Duncan has assured himself a role with the “big club,” thanks to his taking matters into his own hands; however, if anything, Lenny might have cost himself a spot on the team to start the year, if only because he’s sure to be suspended, and we doubt the Yankees will want to start the year a man down.

The Rays, however, are also to blame for this fiasco. There are few things more aggravating to us than the “How dare you?!” reaction from a team after they initiate a controversy. Whether the Rays believed that the Johnson hit was clean or not, they had to be ready for it! Any man, woman, or child who watched the collision understood that retaliation would be had at some point. So, spare us the sudden indignation. I’m looking at you Jonny Gomes. (Where the hell did you come from, by the way? You were on Duncan quicker than Spitzer on a prostitute.) And, for Joe Maddon to call Duncan’s take-out slide “borderline criminal,” is just pathetic. Let me get this straight: body chopping a catcher at the plate is “hardnosed,” but a spikes-up slide into second base is “contemptible”? Funny how different things look from the other side, ay Joe?

We pause, also, for a brief shout-out to the umpires, who perceived the early innings of this game to be a bonafied Pearl Harbor attack. Men in Blue, did you really believe that the Yankees had sent Heath Phillips to the mound to do their dirty work? Heath Phillips? Trust us, if the Bombers wanted to send a message, they would have made sure an erratic flame-thrower was on the mound. Kyle Farnsworth is good for something, you know.

Lastly, however, we save our ire for the media, on whom we lay the most blame. We all know that Spring Training is boring. The games are boring, the interviews are boring, everything is boring. Tweaked hamstrings and simulated games / bullpen sessions get the brunt of the attention. We get it. Not sexy. But, media: you caused this fight. From the second the collision occurred the stories came fast and furious. Will this cause retaliation? Will the Yankees fight back? Who will do it? When will it happen? Someone please read this exciting yet hypothetical report! In the end, you give a story life…even the non-stories. And, although Cervelli broke his wrist in a very unfortunate event, this was basically a non-story.

But, even the worst fisherman sometimes catches a fish (Did we just invent a new colloquialism?) and, to all the beat writers out there, your fish was obviously Shelley Duncan who, as previously mentioned, is retarded. You baited him, hook, line and sinker. You got him to bite on the retaliation angle, and you got what you wanted; an embarrassing, bench-clearing fight in March. And now, we’ll have to endure another week’s worth of stories about retaliation for the retaliation. As if the Yankees / Red Sox ordeal isn’t exhausting enough.

If you had your way, this would end with Rocco Baldelli dead, on his bathroom floor, with the initials “D.J.” carved into his chest.

Thankfully, as passive as it sounds, at least nobody got hurt in the brawl.

And at least we got that awesome picture of Akinori Iwamura getting a cleat stuck in his balls.

Hi! My Name Is: Shelley Duncan (DH / RF / 1B / Elbow Smasher)

Each day, "Piss and Wynegar" will present Yankees "player previews" for the coming 2008 season. In what can only be referred to as a "revelatory" strategy, we will use statistics, as well as opinion, to further our analysis.

Is this kid excited, or just retarded? Of all the Duncans in the league, Shelley is definitely the most fun. If nothing else, the tension created by watching him nearly put every one of his teammates on the DL with a broken arm makes watching each and every game worthwhile. Shelley, who we have affectionately dubbed, “Lenny,” strikes us as the newest Shane Spencer. Which is to say, he has come out of nowhere, hit a lot of homeruns, and will soon be exposed as not being very good at baseball.

Look, Lenny is fun. He was clearly in awe of his teammates and, in a way, he reminded us that these guys are playing a kid’s game and that it’s supposed to be (gasp!) fun. The only problem is, what does Girardi do with him in 2008? Duncan doesn’t have a position (at least Shane Spencer was an actual outfielder) and on-the-job training doesn’t sound too appealing, especially with Giambi, Damon, and Matsui already in defensive limbo. Offensively, too, as entertaining as his homerun stroke was in ’07, it seems more likely that the .257 AVG Shelley posted is the statistic more likely to be repeated than his 1:10 HR/AB ratio. We don’t mean to shit all over the kid, but he may not be the best fit for this year’s team. And, really, those elbow bashes are just plain dangerous.

To read previous "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.