Sometimes....The Rage....Is....Over....Whelming

Carl Pavano, obviously speaking from an undisclosed location:

"When you're down, you expect your organization to pick you up, not kick you when you're down. I've had to pick myself up quite a few times the last four years."

[Deep breath.]

So, Carl. Can I call you Carl? Are you suggesting that you weren't supported by the Yankees over the course of your four pathetic, embarrassing, and borderline criminal years in pinstripes?

[Deeper breath.]

Let me just say this. One of the ways I rationalized the debacle that was "Carl Pavano: Yankee" was by believing that he, at the very least, felt badly for his inability to stay healthy; that when he was cashing his paychecks, he did so with a twinge of guilt and discomfort (in an area other than his shoulder, elbow or ass, mind you).

Now, it is apparent that the only person Carl felt badly for was himself. And that, dear reader, is so, so, so incredibly pathetic.

[Exhale.]
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He Who Must Not Be Named

Something wicked this way comes.

With Dan Giese now headed to the DL, the Yankees are suddenly in need of a 4th starter.

Rumblings have grown into whispers, and whispers (I fear) will soon turn to chilled cries of horror.

Carl Pavano may be ready to return to The Bronx.

If this misfortune is due to befall us, it is understandable. The Connecticut Kid's contract is coming off of the books and the Yankees might certainly want to squeeze some "production" out of their prized, walking infirmary. What's more, when your other pitching option is Phil Hughes, the (former?) crown jewel of prospects, it seems logical that Pavano becomes the guy you rush. What does Brian Cashman care if Pavano is not quite "there"? Get on the mound, dipshit.

So, on the ever-more-realistic chance that Carl makes it back to the Bigs (without incident), here are the possible outcomes, as I see them.

Please choose one of the following:

A) Carl Pavano returns and is abysmal; the Yankees miss the playoffs, and Carl rides, ever-so-quietly, into the sunset, never to be heard from again.

B) Carl Pavano returns and is astoundingly good; the Yankees ride to a world championship on Carl's fragile back; Carl is rewarded by Brian Cashman (whose job has been saved) with a new contract and his career is reborn.

C) Carl Pavano returns and removes himself from his first start in the 3rd inning, citing an unspecified "soreness" that no medical test can confirm or locate; Carl is never heard from again.

D) Car Pavano returns and pitches with a Darrell Rasner-esque mediocrity; the Yankees miss the playoffs, but Carl's performance is just passable enough to warrant a $1 million, incentive-laden, 1-year contract from...let's say...the St. Louis Cardinals.

Personally, I'll vote "D," not only because it's baseball economics at its finest, but because Pavano's stealing money from the Yankees for four years and then parlaying that theft into yet another contract feels like the appropriate way for this whole disaster to end.

Thoughts? Alternative (more infuriating) scenarios?
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Fix My Wang

When a team messes up an administrative decision as badly as the boys in Queens, I suppose a freak foot injury doesn't look so horrible...for the moment.

Today, the Bergen Record began speculating as to possible replacements for the newly-booted Chien-Ming Wang. Either they weren't very creative, or the market on acquirable starting pitchers is in the toilet.

The Record listed these possibilities:
1. C.C. Sabathia
2. Ben Sheets
3. A.J. Burnett
4. Randy Wolf
5. Freddy Garcia

While Garcia remains a free agent (and continues to rehab from shoulder surgery), the other four guys would have to be acquired in a trade, and certainly the acquisition of Sabathia, Sheets, or Burnett would necessitate the jettisoning of several prospects and (in Sabathia's case, at least) cost a crapload of money.

But, besides the cost, one thing strikes me as odd about this "first-choice" list: these guys get hurt...a lot.

In fact, a quick glance at career numbers reveals that the team of Sheets/Burnett/Wolf/Garcia has been DL'd a total of 16 times in the last 4 years. If you factor in Sabathia, whose fat ass is actually the healthiest of the bunch, that number rises to 18 DL stints since 2004.

So, if one of these boys does find his way to the Bronx, not only will the Yankees likely have had to overpay to fill the void left by "Mr. Glass," the likelihood is that the new guy will join Wang on the shelf at some point in the year.

Silly me, I always thought the idea was that the pitcher you trade for in desperation should actually...you know...pitch.
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This Just In: Pitchers Aren't Athletes

For the longest time I had trouble rectifying the fact that pitchers are terrible hitters. "Why can't they hit?" I would quietly mouth to no one, as I watched yet another hurler swing wildly (and unattractively) at three consecutive fastballs. "What's the deal?" I would mutter, as a National League pitcher grounded meekly to the shortstop, soon to be thrown out by 75 feet.

After a time, I finally came to terms with the idea that a pitcher's job is so refined, so particular, and so (dare I say?) artistic, that they just can't be expected to dedicate any time to their hitting skills. Why work in the cage when you could be developing a sinker? Why risk diving into a pitch when you could be going over scouting reports? Sure, once in a while a pitcher actually shows some ability at the plate, but the Dontrelle Willis's (and we all know how well things have worked out for Dontrelle...) and Micah Owings' of the world are the noteworthy exceptions to a rule seeped in traditions of offensive embarrassment.

Today, however, my frustration regarding pitchers and offense was rekindled by one Chien-Ming Wang. During the game, after Wang reached on a fielder's choice with 2-out, John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman mentioned the fact that the Yankees must be uncomfortable with Wang on the basepaths, fearing for his health. "Come on!" I thought, "Honestly, can we give pitchers some credit for their abilities? All he has to do is run...maybe."

And then, Chien-Ming rounded third on a Derek Jeter single. Upon hitting the bag he sprained his right foot / broke his right foot / tore muscles in his right foot / watched as his right foot detached from his body (details are sketchy).

Wang had to be helped back to the dugout, and was seen leaving the stadium on crutches and in a soft cast.

Because he ran the bases.

He ran 180 feet. Once. And he may be lost for the season.

I feel like a recovering addict that has fallen off the wagon. It took me years to understand why pitchers are terrible hitters, and now, my mind is awash in new frustration.

Pitchers can't even run.

They can't even fucking run!
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Up Your Butt, Jobu

In an earlier post I made fun of Kyle Farnsworth for donning glasses in a Ricky Vaughn-like attempt to gain some control of his pitches. Now it looks like I owe Kyle an apology...because, apparently, it wasn't his idea.

That's right, folks, the Yankees have found a way to save the season!

This is spectacular news for all of us Yankee fans because it is a sure fire win. Besides the illustrious Mr. Farnsworth, many have gone on to have dominant careers after adding the fearsome specs. Like this guy. And this guy. And him.

So once Phil returns from his oblique/rib/hamstring/quad/feelings injury expect him to dominate, only to be replaced by an old, religious Southerner (Pettitte) in a one game playoff for the division that will be won on a Jose Molina bunt single.

That's the plan, anyway.

Oh, Bleak!

So, Phil Hughes is hurt now? How intriguing.

Look, I’m no conspiracy theorist, but something is rotten in the state of Yank-mark (“Dropped Shakespeare on your ass” tag!). While the likelihood that Hughes is injured is certainly high, the timing of the injury is suspect. Let’s consider the facts: the kid’s been jostled around in virtually every start, the boo-birds have begun chirping, he’s clearly lost faith in his stuff and, following his worst start as a Big Leaguer on Tuesday night, the rumblings of a demotion were hot and heavy. It is interesting, then, that the Yankees – in the middle of the game last night – announced that the 21-year-old phenom was headed to the DL with a right oblique strain.

Already, we are hearing about how long these strains can take to heal, and Brian Cashman has uttered the infamous phrase “no timetable” in regard to Hughes’ return. None of this bodes well for the young man. Remember, Phil suffered his first injury, a hamstring pull, on May 1, 2007 (hey – weird!) and didn’t return to the mound until August 4. So, it took three months to heal the hammy. Is there any reason to believe that the oblique won’t keep him out for at least a month?

What I’m suggesting, ever-so-suspiciously, is that this injury is a very nice way to get the heat off of Phil Hughes for a while, without forcing him to endure the humiliation and fallout of being demoted Triple A. He can step away now, take it easy for a time, regroup mentally, and (ideally) regain his command. What’s more, he’ll return to Triple A anyway, only under the guise of a “rehab assignment,” so the Yanks themselves can even escape the stigma of having to ship him down.

On the flipside, if he is truly injured, then I am concerned about his durability. In essence, Phil Hughes has 3 months of Major League experience and he has already been shelved twice with muscle pulls. That’s not a good sign.

So, pick your poison: Phil Hughes the Psychologically Defeated, or, Phil Hughes the Injury-Prone?

And, for what it’s worth (which is really just my own self-satisfaction), it took NY Daily News beat writer Anthony McCarron only six paragraphs to remind us: “The Yankees passed on a blockbuster winter trade that would have sent Hughes to the Twins as part of a package for ace Johan Santana and the Bombers hoped their young pitchers would blossom.”

Ah, the sweet smell of second-guessing. Run, Phil! Run for the hills!

The Madman Says: The Yankees Are DOA

The reason the slow starts of the last three years have been so frustrating to fans is because, deep down, we knew that the Yankees were a great team that hadn't clicked. We expected / knew that things would turn and each loss merely prolonged unnecessary agony. This year's .500-ish start has a different feel. Somehow, even though the record is actually better at this stage than in seasons' past, the team may actually be playing at the level we should expect. And that, friends, is a scary thought.

Before even taking into account the frightening news on Jorge Posada being reported today by The New York Times, there are a few signs that point toward a anti-climactic 2008:

1. Help Us Andy/Wang, You're Our Only Hope: At this stage, Chien-Ming Wang and Andy Pettitte absolutely have to be lights-out to keep the Yankees afloat. With the question marks behind them in the rotation, the team cannot afford to have shaky outings from their "aces." Wang has held up his end of the bargain (as witnessed by yet another gem against the Indians today), but even a bad start here or there could keep the team from digging out of the holes they will inevitably dig. Pettitte, meanwhile, still looks to have good stuff, but his performance against the Tribe on Friday night (5 IP, 5 R, 8 H, 3 BB) is the type of outing that will certainly rear its ugly head from time to time if only because Andy is older.

2. The Learning Curve: I speak here of Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy. Let's face it, Kennedy was likely one pitch away yesterday, against the Indians, from being sent back to Scranton. The fact that he regrouped after a 3rd inning that saw him wilt under the pressure of the situation has bought him another start or two, but as has been addressed ad nauseum by every Yankees blog, he'll need to learn to trust his stuff, throw strikes, be aggressive in the zone, etc. This will take time, and lots of it. The same goes for Hughes. He, too, has looked overwhelmed and sporadically unsure of his game. Does this mean that they are busts? Absolutely not. Hughes, especially, has the goods; however, to expect them to click within 2 months of their first full year in the Majors is a lot to ask. They will probably need this year, at minimum, to turn themselves into Big League throwers.

3. The 'Pen Returns To Earth: Lots of people got excited, in the first few weeks of the season, about how sharp the bullpen looked, especially with Joba Chamberlain and Mariano Rivera leading the charge. And, while Joba and Mo still look great (Rivera especially impressive), the rest of the group has shown their true colors. LaTroy Hawkins and Kyle Farnsworth may have their moments, but the bad will almost surely outweigh the good, leaving them forever-undependable. Brian Bruney (we hardly knew ye'!) is gone for the year, facing ankle surgery, and while the injury will keep us from knowing for sure, my guess is that he was going to prove unreliable as well, as he did last year. Billy Traber's deal with the devil ran out quicker than expected, and he's back in the minors. Ross Ohlendorff is being overused and doesn't seem to have a role. Is the the long man? The mop-up guy? Or the 9th inning, tie-game, bases loaded stopper, as he was yesterday? Meanwhile, Chris Britton and Jonathan Albaladejo will likely be up and down all year, filling in when necessary. All in all, the 'pen is exactly what we feared it would be: a question mark at best; a hindrance at worst.

4. Slow Start, or Death Knell?: While, essentially, every member of the offense shares responsibilty for Yanks' putrid average with RISP, I'll focus my ire on Robinson Cano, who truly looks like a defeated man. As of today, he has the second lowest batting average of any MLB'er qualified for the batting title. His power is non-existent, as is his sweet, all-fields swing. More importantly, however, his confidence is non-existent, too. Surely, he will not end the year hitting .150, but if the Yankees want to contend this year, they cannot wait around for guys like Cano (and Giambi, Damon, ARod, etc.) to get going. They have to be off and running to make up for the runs that the starting staff and bullpen will surely give up.

5. Accept Your Defeats With Quiet Dignity and Grace: I am not a believer in the old "chemistry helps a team win" idea. If you have diversified talent on the field, you should win whether or not you hate your second baseman's guts or not. So, in making this criticism I am not suggesting that the Yankees lose a lot because of "intangible forces," but merely observing the dynamic of the team. Frankly, Joe Girardi looks like he's wound tighter than a South American-produced baseball circa 1998 (Remember when everybody thought the homerun barrage of the late '90's was because of a juiced ball and not juiced blood veins? Good times.) Girardi, in some respects got the cushiest job in baseball, as well as the hardest. Expectations are soaring, but reality is sinking in. This is not a good combo, and Joe II looks very, very stressed. That stress seems to be manifesting in over-strategising (a different lineup every night, oddly timed days off for starters, the destruction of the depth chart, etc.) Add in Hank Steinbrenner's inability to shut the fuck up, and you've got the makings of a season in which the game on the field is continuously overshadowed by the griping in the back office.

I make these remarks without any inherent anger or disappointment. But, really, am I wrong here? There is no joy in Mudville.
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Always Wash Your Hands After Going to the Bathroom

The Yankees have seen some roster movement today and one of those moves is most definitely worth noting.

No, it's not the call-up of journeyman catcher Chad Moeller.

No, it's not the return of Derek Jeter following a 6-game absence.

Yes, it is Wilson Betemit being placed on the DL with conjunctivitis, or, as we lehmans like to call it: pink eye.

Pink eye.

So far this year, that's right up there with Kaz Matsui's anal fissures and Felix Pie's twisted testicles (is that a cover band?) as far as ridiculous injuries are concerned.

I'm sure the pink eye is extremely debilitating and has nothing to do with the fact that Wilson Betemit has struck out 7 times in 13 AB and has proven himself to be a bonafied liability off the bench.

I can almost hear the conversation that went down today.

(Harp music plays.)

Yankees: So, Wilson, you've got pink eye.

Betemit: Yup. No big deal.

Yankees: We're gonna put you on the shelf.

Betemit: What? Why? It's just pink eye. A few eye drops and I'll be fine.

Yankees: No. We think it's best that you rest the eye for a couple of weeks. We want you healthy for the long run.

Betemit: But...

Yankees: GET ON THE FUCKING DL, WILSON!!
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Don't Make Shelley Duncan Angry. You Wouldn't Like Him When He's Angry.

Yup. He’s retarded.

Look, Shelley, we’re all for the balls-out, smashmouth play; however, when you announce to the general public precisely when and how you intend to seek revenge on another team for a perceived dirty hit, you officially enter the ranks of “moron.”

Yesterday’s altercation with the Rays was ugly on a lot of levels. In some respects we blame the Yankees: the aftermath of the Francisco Cervelli / Elliott Johnson collision came across as somewhat whiny. Joe Girardi was standing up for his guys when he called the hit inappropriate, but Joe should know, better than anyone, the perils of catching. Plus, he was a tough guy behind the plate, and I know that because the media has been telling me all week. The hit was hard, aggressive, and probably a little bit dirty (the cross-body-block tackle seemed a bit much) but, for God’s sake, take it like professional athletes are supposed to take it: say nothing and then buzz Carl Crawford up and in on Opening Day.

But Shelley’s comments leading up to yesterday were especially ridiculous. The whole “I didn’t think you ran over catchers in Spring Training. I guess we’ll have to play with a different intensity now,” shtick sounded childish and professional athletes should never attempt layered innuendo. Most people probably think Duncan has assured himself a role with the “big club,” thanks to his taking matters into his own hands; however, if anything, Lenny might have cost himself a spot on the team to start the year, if only because he’s sure to be suspended, and we doubt the Yankees will want to start the year a man down.

The Rays, however, are also to blame for this fiasco. There are few things more aggravating to us than the “How dare you?!” reaction from a team after they initiate a controversy. Whether the Rays believed that the Johnson hit was clean or not, they had to be ready for it! Any man, woman, or child who watched the collision understood that retaliation would be had at some point. So, spare us the sudden indignation. I’m looking at you Jonny Gomes. (Where the hell did you come from, by the way? You were on Duncan quicker than Spitzer on a prostitute.) And, for Joe Maddon to call Duncan’s take-out slide “borderline criminal,” is just pathetic. Let me get this straight: body chopping a catcher at the plate is “hardnosed,” but a spikes-up slide into second base is “contemptible”? Funny how different things look from the other side, ay Joe?

We pause, also, for a brief shout-out to the umpires, who perceived the early innings of this game to be a bonafied Pearl Harbor attack. Men in Blue, did you really believe that the Yankees had sent Heath Phillips to the mound to do their dirty work? Heath Phillips? Trust us, if the Bombers wanted to send a message, they would have made sure an erratic flame-thrower was on the mound. Kyle Farnsworth is good for something, you know.

Lastly, however, we save our ire for the media, on whom we lay the most blame. We all know that Spring Training is boring. The games are boring, the interviews are boring, everything is boring. Tweaked hamstrings and simulated games / bullpen sessions get the brunt of the attention. We get it. Not sexy. But, media: you caused this fight. From the second the collision occurred the stories came fast and furious. Will this cause retaliation? Will the Yankees fight back? Who will do it? When will it happen? Someone please read this exciting yet hypothetical report! In the end, you give a story life…even the non-stories. And, although Cervelli broke his wrist in a very unfortunate event, this was basically a non-story.

But, even the worst fisherman sometimes catches a fish (Did we just invent a new colloquialism?) and, to all the beat writers out there, your fish was obviously Shelley Duncan who, as previously mentioned, is retarded. You baited him, hook, line and sinker. You got him to bite on the retaliation angle, and you got what you wanted; an embarrassing, bench-clearing fight in March. And now, we’ll have to endure another week’s worth of stories about retaliation for the retaliation. As if the Yankees / Red Sox ordeal isn’t exhausting enough.

If you had your way, this would end with Rocco Baldelli dead, on his bathroom floor, with the initials “D.J.” carved into his chest.

Thankfully, as passive as it sounds, at least nobody got hurt in the brawl.

And at least we got that awesome picture of Akinori Iwamura getting a cleat stuck in his balls.

Hi! My Name Is: Johnny Damon (LF)

Each day, "Piss and Wynegar" will present Yankees "player previews" for the coming 2008 season. In what can only be referred to as a "revelatory" strategy, we will use statistics, as well as opinion, to further our analysis.

2007 was by no means a lost year for Johnny, as his .351 OBP and .270 AVG did not stray too far from what he’s posted in the past (his 27 SB were also the most he’d swiped since 2003). And, while Damon’s .396 SLG was his second worst in 10 seasons, it doesn’t mean he can’t rebound; however, it was his fall from grace in centerfield that started fans worrying. Suddenly, we all took notice that the Demonic One’s throws from center were reminiscent of the kid in elementary school who sat and read books during recess and, when asked to throw an errant foul ball back to the kids who were playing a pick-up game, looked like he was heaving a two-ton boulder into the infield. Combined with Damon’s newfound tendency to hobble in the direction of a fly ball in the gap, Yankees fans have begun to believe that the beginning of the end is near. Most fans, though, will remain optimistic that a platoon in left and frequent DH’ing will keep Mr. Charming healthy and sprightly throughout the season.

The most important stat on Damon going into ’08, though, now appears to be the over/under on when we first hear about a nagging foot / knee / elbow injury that, while not bad enough to put him on the DL for the first time in his career, will be used by the team to explain why the leadoff hitter is batting .235 with no power and no speed. Last year it was Opening Day. This year, we’ll give Johnny a fighting chance and open the bidding at May 1.

To read previous "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.