Recipe For a .500 Team

Tonight's ridiculous loss to the Minnesota Twins encapsulated everything that is pathetic about the 2008 version of the New York Yankees. Everyone keeps waiting for "the turnaround," but for every couple of wins will come a couple of losses, in quick succession. That said, let's take the events of tonight's game and apply it to the season as a whole; a season that looks like it is headed down a dark (i.e. postseason-less) road. Here's the must-have list when putting together a .500 year:

1. Get Lots of Hits, But Don't Bother Scoring: The Yankees had 15 hits tonight and 5 runs. That's an infuriating ratio...unless, of course, you love singles. Somehow, the Yankees continue to put men on in every possible combination and still find ways to leave them stranded. In an effort to speed up play, I recommend that, from now on, the Yankees simply put two guys on base at the start of each offensive inning, tell the scoreboard guy to add two hits to their total, and then proceed to make three consecutive outs. It's quicker, more efficient baseball.

2. Make Sure Kyle Farnsworth Gets The Ball In Tight Situations: Can Joba start and relieve? For all the talk of Farnsworth's newfound confidence, he sure still does love to cough up runs in big spots! Homeruns, doubles, untimely walks...Kyle can deliver in any one of many heartbreaking fashions. Seeing him return to the set-up roll is like having an old friend move back into the neighborhood...only now he's an alcoholic, and he keeps coming over to use your bathroom because his is "broken," and then, after he leaves, your wallet's missing, and your wife doesn't want you to let him come over anymore, but you insist that ol' Farnsey really is a "good dude" and is just going through a rough time, and then, one night, he shoots your dog and says that he mistook it for Big Foot.

3. Remember That Leads Are Finite, and Do Not Have To Be Held: Thanks, Andy Pettitte. Your formerly-hormoned ass continues to handle leads about as well as your fragile psyche is handling the Roger Clemens fiasco. Jesus Christ, man! (No, Andy...over here. JC isn't around. It's just you and me.) Three leads blown tonight, and two of them of more than one run. Brilliant, gritty, battle-tested performance there, sir. I salute you. Unfortunately, Chien-Ming Wang and Mike Mussina seem to be following your lead. Aside: Can someone tell them I wasn't being serious, please?

4. Make Sure Your Best Hitters Develop Weird, Unhelpful Habits. Hideki Matsui is second in the American League in average and yet pulls off of EVERY GODDAMN pitch he sees. Tonight's beauty came in the ninth inning when, after A-Rod reached to start the inning and immediately began fucking with Joe Nathan's head at first base, Hideki put an end to that ballyhoo by rolling his hands over on an outside pitch and grounding into a double play. Game over. Add to that Robbie Cano's attempted bunt with 2-on and nobody out earlier in the night and you have the makings of complete offensive ineptitude.

5. Put All of Your "Championship Dreams" on the Shoulders of Children: Joba starts Tuesday! Joba starts Tuesday! Joba starts Tuesday! Thank goodness! Finally, our prayers have been answered! What's that? Shelley Duncan has a homerun stroke! Why, even better! More, you say? Scott Patterson's funky delivery "baffles" hitters? When can I order my playoff tickets? And you're telling me that Melky Cabrera's OBP is nearly .300?! Huzzah! The day is ours!
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Close Doesn't Hurt

Kyle Farnsworth’s near-killing of Manny Ramirez last night was probably intended to be a brushback pitch but, typical of Kyle, it was nowhere close.

Of course, more is already being made of this than necessary. For the life of me, I will never understand why “purpose pitches” are treated as such an indignity by teams. The “how dare you?” attitude reared its ugly head again last night, with Josh Beckett putting on his best “I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed” face, and Terry Francona looking like someone just punched his dog, after Farnsworth’s behind-the-head fastball to Manny.

I will now speak directly to the Red Sox and their “Nation”: Stop it! Use some logic! Do you think that Kyle Farnsworth was trying to hit Manny Ramirez in the head? For the love of all that is holy, he was doing (well, trying to do) what any pitcher should do…taking back the inside part of the plate! Ramirez has been lounging in the box for five straight games against the Yankees. Mussina, not surprisingly, refused to work him inside, leaving the half-retarded ogre to live off of the center, and outside corner, of the plate. The result: 6-9 in the series and 2 mammoth shots last night, alone. The buzz pitch makes him (gasp!) uncomfortable and unsure of what pitch selection he will see and, thus, less likely to single-handedly break the spirit of the pitching staff.

But, sure, go ahead and plan your retaliation. Who gives a shit about strategy and gamesmanship? It’s only your profession.

I speak again to our loyal readership (so, Maas and my father): To the credit of both Farnsworth and Ramirez, their remarks after the game were exactly on-point. When asked if the pitch had a purpose, Farnworth responded, “It just slipped. I was trying to be aggressive and go in on him, but the ball slipped on me.” He also added, “Any hitter, you gotta show him inside ore they’ll be sitting over the plate and wear everybody out.”

Hmm. Concise. Sensible. Thanks, Kyle.

Ramirez was asked if he was upset, to which he responded, “Not really. I like to compete. I like that challenge. It’s part of the competition.”

Hmmmm. Even more concise. Even more sensible. Complete sentences? Thanks, Manny!

So, the two men involved both say, essentially, “That’s the game. That’s the way it’s played. No problem.” Everything must be cool, then.

But, somewhere in the shadows, Josh Beckett is still shaking his head in disgust.

Somebody get Jeter a reinforced helmet.

The Professor and The Madman Welcomes The Madman

As the 2008 season progresses and all of you (all 10's of you currently reading "Piss and Wynegar") get to know me, Pasqua, and my colleague, Maas, one thing will become readily apparent: I'm insane.

In the interest of full disclosure, I am a rather rabid Yankees fan, despite a relatively kind and unassuming (and, admittedly, ruggedly handsome) exterior. I am the Bruce Banner of Yankees fans. Case and point: when the Yankees lose there is a part of me that actually believes that they have done so with the sole intention of spiting me. And that's not healthy.

Maas, on the other hand, is a gentleman and a scholar. I only know him to have thrown a chair in anger over a sporting event once, and I think that event was a New York Giants loss. His perspective is less, shall we say, unstable.

So, while we're both passionate and (hopefully, you'll agree) knowledgeable about the Bombers, we are, indeed, "The Professor and The Madman."

Now, with that off of my chest, I shall continue. From time to time, Maas and I will post our "observations" regarding the state of the team. Four games into the season, and with a .500 record secured, I will begin. Forgive the Larry King-style commentary:

1. Despite the 5 month absence of baseball, I feel like I'm watching these games in July. Maybe it's the lack of hitting, or Mike Mussina's horribleness, but the whole feel to the start of this season is rather blah.

2. Holy shit do Johnny Damon and Hideki Matsui look old.

3. I think it's adorable that the Yankees signed LaTroy Hawkins to make Kyle Farnsworth feel better about himself. Everybody needs a buddy.

4. Are we going to ask Joe Girardi how he feel about his ____ win every time he wins? "Joe, does the seventy-second win feel as good as the first win? How does it compare?"

5. I am alarmed by the fact that the best defense on the team is being played by Jason Giambi. It makes me believe that there is a rip in the fabric of the space-time continuum.

6. Base coaches' helmets = machismo.

7. Why I Love Yankees' Fans, Installment #1: As LaTroy Hawkins was in the midst of surrendering 6 runs to the Rays in 2/3 an inning of work, the crowd began to chant "Paul O'Neill!" at him, referencing the fact that Hawkins is the first player to wear #21 since O'Neill retired, and that he has already soiled the sanctity of the jersey.

8. Why I Hate John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman, Installment #1: Waldman, on air, asks NY Daily News writer Anthony McCarron, "What did you think of Ian Kennedy tonight, despite the fact that he was getting squeezed on the corners?" Kennedy's line on 4/4: 2.1 IP, 6 ER, 4 H, 4 BB, 2 K). Why even answer the question, Suzyn? It's quite obvious Ian got squeezed to the tune of 6 earned runs.

9. This is, I'm sure, too cynical, but it's unbelievably frustrating to me that Jorge Posada plays out of his mind in his contract year without so much as a head cold, gets his 4-year, $60 million deal, and is out with a sore shoulder after one game.

10. Joba Chamberlain is awesome to watch, but kind of a dick, and he will get one of his teammates maimed or killed this year. He will battle-cry-fist-pump his way to a fastball to the back of A-Rod's head.

Okay...there you have it. Mild commentary for now. But the season is young, and I am a sick, sick man.
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Hi! My Name is: Kyle Farnsworth

Each day, "Piss and Wynegar" will present Yankees "player previews" for the coming 2008 season. In what can only be referred to as a "revelatory" strategy, we will use statistics, as well as opinion, to further our analysis.

Oh…shit.

Here comes Farnsworth.

All we need to know is that ol’ Kyle is one of four guys who have been guaranteed a spot in the bullpen this year…a guy who didn’t enter a single game with runners on base last year.

Oh…shit.

Last year his BABIP was .288. The year before? .314.

Oh…well…

All the while, his groundball to flyball ratio has been getting worse and worse every year. This is a problem because flyballs hit off Kyle tend to go a long way.

Shit.

But we need to think positive! This is baseball! Anything can happen! Kyle got glasses last year: maybe, in true Charlie Sheen fashion, he’ll suddenly be able to pick up the strike zone. Maybe his new-found ability to pitch from the full windup from time to time will turn him into the shutdown 7th inning guy we haven’t had since Jeff Nelson’s gingerballs graced our mound. Maybe American League hitters will finally notice his fearsome barbed-wire tattoo and be too busy pissing themselves in terror to notice the grizzly-dick straight fastball zipping by them.

Maybe.

Oh, who am I kidding?

Shit.

To read earlier "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.