Tsk, Tsk, Tsk, Jonathan

Jonathan Papelbon, you just don't get it do you?

When asked, during his All-Star press conference, whether he or Mariano Rivera should get the nod to close out the ninth:

"If I was managing the team, I would close. I'm not managing the team, so it don't matter. [Mariano Rivera and I have] both earned that right; us, by winning the World Series and having the opportunity of having our manager there and our team being represented, and Mariano by what he's done for this role, we're in Yankee Stadium and blah, blah, blah. It's not that easy. Everybody thinks it's a cut and dry answer, but it's not."

Oh...my...lord.

I could embark on a rant about Papelbon's arrogance and ignorance, but I'll refrain. I'll let his own remarks speak for themselves, because eventually it is his remarks that will make him one of the most reviled players in the game.

Good luck tonight, Paps.

UPDATE: Jonathan appeared in the 8th inning and was absolutely pummeled by the Yankee Stadium crowd. Chants of "Mariano!" and "Overrated!" echoed through The House and -- whaddyaknow? -- Papelbon surrendered the go-ahead run. Ah, satisfaction.

Buck and McCarver were, shockingly, indignant about the reaction that Paps' comments received from the media and the crowd, insisting that the closer is immensely respectful of Mariano Rivera. (He's not.)

McCarver "highlight": During the "Overrated!" chant, Papelbon struck out Dan Uggla, prompting the drawler to snidely remark, "To those who think he's overrated, Papelbon says, 'Grab a bat.'" Wait, you mean Jonathan Papelbon would actually strike out Vinny from Brooklyn if they were to face off? Daring prognostication, Tim. You're right. I have vastly underestimated this young whippersnapper of a closer.
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I'm Writing A New Musical!

I hate Kevin Youkilis. Hate him. Sure, most Yankees fans say they hate Manny, or David Ortiz, but that's because they continuously beat our brains in on the field. I hate Youkilis because of what he clearly is as a human being: a petulant man-child.

My distaste for "Youk" began when he grew that goddamn goatee a couple of years back. It smelled of over-compensation; a theory that I began to believe in even more as the goatee grew longer and thicker with each passing series. Granted, this dislike was uncalled for, but it became warranted in August, 2007, when Youkilis, after Joba Chamberlain threw behind him on 2 consecutive pitches, turned to the homeplate umpire and could clearly be seen yelping, "Throw him out!" That's right, as opposed to charging the mound, or merely pointing his bat toward the pitcher and mouthing-off, He of the Facial Thicket hid behind the chest protector of an umpire, like a 7-year old little boy.

During tonight's game I was reminded of that pathetic display when Chamberlain again threw behind Youkilis (only this time it was one pitch, and it was behind the knees). Once again, Youk looked to the umpire for help, and when he didn't receive it he literally waited until the inning was over and complained to the ump again, in plain sight of camera and crowd.

Consider, too, that, earlier this season, Manny "Where Am I?" Ramirez called Youkilis out for having hissy fits, and you've got yourself a surefire asshole.

That's why I have decided to pen a new musical based on the life of one Kevin Youkilis. Behold:

"The Whiniest Bitch," a new musical by Pasqua.

Featuring such songs as:

• "The Bad Man Threw Behind Me"
• "I Wanna Play First Base (I Wanna!)"
• "Lost in Your Goatee"
• "Ball 4 is Job 1"
• "Walk Like A Man, Even When You're Not"
• "I'm An All-Star and You're Not"

and

• "I Don't Know Much, But I Know You're A Douchebag" (a duet with Manny Ramirez)

I really think this show has potential. Feel free to contribute any additional song ideas.

P.S. I'm also penning a tune based on Joe Girardi. The working title: "I'm Wound Tighter Than My Offense"
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Yanks Beat Boston; Yanks' Fans Commence Picking Up Televisions From Living Room Floor

So, in the end, Mariano Rivera did not complete the turn to the Dark Side by single-handedly handing the Red Sox a victory; however, there are, we're sure, many a moccasin planted firmly in the center of countless plasma televisions this evening thanks to one Tim McCarver.

As the Yankees reached critical mass in the ninth inning, following the second hit-batsman of the frame (the seventh of the game [!]), McCarver, in his infinite hyperbolic, down home wisdom, uttered the following (it's more effective if you imagine that slow, Southernish drawl that gets more pronounced as McCarver's analysis becomes more inept): "If the Yankees lose this game, against this team, in this situation, with Mariano Rivera on the mound, it could have a crippling effect on the Yankees' season."

Really, Tim? A crippling effect? Would the Yankees be so crippled so as to fail to take the field for the remaining 70 games? Should Joe Girardi have waved the white flag? Should the team have come to the park tomorrow wearing Tampa Bay Rays hats (seriously, that would be better than the "patriotic" motif being sported for a second consecutive day).

I try not to get too caught-up in the "biased announcer" bit (instilled in me by my father, who convinced me in 1986 that Vin Scully hates all New Yorkers), but this remark was simply the icing on the proverbial cake for the day. Joe Buck and good ol' Timmy practically wet themselves over the idea of the Yankees losing the game. Now, I get the hard network sell -- they want to keep their viewers -- but when the hard sell in the ninth is compounded by three-and-a-half hours of pom-pom waving for Boston (Dustin Pedroia...what a gamer! What facial hair!) it was nearly enough to send me over the edge despite my new and improved relaxed approach to game watching.

Need more proof? How about the enlightening discussion of the ocean-like depth of the Sawx farm system compared to the overhyped Yankees'. When speaking of Clay Buckholtz (over a 5.00 ERA in the Bigs this year, and nearly two months on the shelf, by the way), Joe Buck exclaimed: "The Yankees would kill to have someone like that waiting in the wings!" as if Joba Chamerblain and Phil Hughes are fetching cars in the parking lot.

Look, I understand that the Yankees have been in the limelight for over 12 years now and there's a lot of baseball fans who are sick of them. I, for one, was ecstatic when the Braves started missing the playoffs if only because I was tired of watching them lose in the first round every goddamn year; however, Buck and McCarver should probably keep in mind that a majority of their audience is coming directly from the New York market...fans in Boise, Idaho can probably afford to miss the game. So, watch your mouths, boys. This is the stuff that comes back to bite you in your Yankee-hating asses.
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Umm...Yeah. That About Sums It Up.

I swear to you that I had every intention of writing a full post on "Ortiz Jersey Buried In The New Yankee Stadium"-gate; however, I then watched this video courtesy of a blog called "Red Sox Monster," via "Deadspin."

I no longer need to write a post about this particular story.

Close Doesn't Hurt

Kyle Farnsworth’s near-killing of Manny Ramirez last night was probably intended to be a brushback pitch but, typical of Kyle, it was nowhere close.

Of course, more is already being made of this than necessary. For the life of me, I will never understand why “purpose pitches” are treated as such an indignity by teams. The “how dare you?” attitude reared its ugly head again last night, with Josh Beckett putting on his best “I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed” face, and Terry Francona looking like someone just punched his dog, after Farnsworth’s behind-the-head fastball to Manny.

I will now speak directly to the Red Sox and their “Nation”: Stop it! Use some logic! Do you think that Kyle Farnsworth was trying to hit Manny Ramirez in the head? For the love of all that is holy, he was doing (well, trying to do) what any pitcher should do…taking back the inside part of the plate! Ramirez has been lounging in the box for five straight games against the Yankees. Mussina, not surprisingly, refused to work him inside, leaving the half-retarded ogre to live off of the center, and outside corner, of the plate. The result: 6-9 in the series and 2 mammoth shots last night, alone. The buzz pitch makes him (gasp!) uncomfortable and unsure of what pitch selection he will see and, thus, less likely to single-handedly break the spirit of the pitching staff.

But, sure, go ahead and plan your retaliation. Who gives a shit about strategy and gamesmanship? It’s only your profession.

I speak again to our loyal readership (so, Maas and my father): To the credit of both Farnsworth and Ramirez, their remarks after the game were exactly on-point. When asked if the pitch had a purpose, Farnworth responded, “It just slipped. I was trying to be aggressive and go in on him, but the ball slipped on me.” He also added, “Any hitter, you gotta show him inside ore they’ll be sitting over the plate and wear everybody out.”

Hmm. Concise. Sensible. Thanks, Kyle.

Ramirez was asked if he was upset, to which he responded, “Not really. I like to compete. I like that challenge. It’s part of the competition.”

Hmmmm. Even more concise. Even more sensible. Complete sentences? Thanks, Manny!

So, the two men involved both say, essentially, “That’s the game. That’s the way it’s played. No problem.” Everything must be cool, then.

But, somewhere in the shadows, Josh Beckett is still shaking his head in disgust.

Somebody get Jeter a reinforced helmet.

This Stat Is Quiet, Like A Fox

I am currently watching the worst game in the history of Major League Baseball. In the top of the 6th inning, nearly three hours after first pitch, the Yankees are leading the Red Sox 11-9.

As I stare, dumbfounded, at my television, gawking at the inability of anyone to get an out, a thought has come to my mind: it seems that one of the reasons the Yankees' 2008 performance has been so "blah" thus far is because none of the team's cylinders ever seem to click concurrently. When the pitching is strong, the offense is anemic. When the bats come alive, the staff implodes. In short, it sure feels like each game is a struggle. I mean, really, didn't they have to work a little too hard to "sweep" Tampa Bay?

So, I looked up two basic stats: Runs Scored, and Runs Against. And I found what I thought I'd find.

(After 16 games)
RUNS SCORED: 67
RUNS AGAINST: 68

Pretty close, ay? The difference is minimal, which seems innocent enough; however, the fact that the two numbers are so close goes to prove that the Yanks aren't even winning convincingly, let alone blowing anybody out.

No wonder I'm tired already.
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Concerns About Schilling's Shoulder, Weight Force Red Sox to Sign Bartolo Colon as Insurance

I'm sorry. I just really wanted to type that headline.

Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.
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