Sometimes....The Rage....Is....Over....Whelming

Carl Pavano, obviously speaking from an undisclosed location:

"When you're down, you expect your organization to pick you up, not kick you when you're down. I've had to pick myself up quite a few times the last four years."

[Deep breath.]

So, Carl. Can I call you Carl? Are you suggesting that you weren't supported by the Yankees over the course of your four pathetic, embarrassing, and borderline criminal years in pinstripes?

[Deeper breath.]

Let me just say this. One of the ways I rationalized the debacle that was "Carl Pavano: Yankee" was by believing that he, at the very least, felt badly for his inability to stay healthy; that when he was cashing his paychecks, he did so with a twinge of guilt and discomfort (in an area other than his shoulder, elbow or ass, mind you).

Now, it is apparent that the only person Carl felt badly for was himself. And that, dear reader, is so, so, so incredibly pathetic.

[Exhale.]
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Andy Pettitte Pitches Well Against The Royals...But Can Someone Tell Me Why?

Mind-boggling stuff in the YES broadcast booth tonight. Michael Kay and Al Leiter just spent a solid five minutes contemplating the reason(s) that Andy Pettitte has compiled a 19-3 record against the Kansas City Royals, with a 3.58 ERA, over his 13 year career.

Here are the "factors" that they came up with over the course of their discussion:

--Pettitte gets pumped-up against "this color uniform."
--Pettitte likes pitching in Kaufman Stadium.
--Pettitte likes pitching in Yankee Stadium.
--This game (baseball) is very much "mental."

Study those carefully while I consider all of this.

Let's see.

Can I come up with a better reason?

Hmmm....

Well, staring at those blue helmets would certainly take my game to the next level...

I just don't know...

That record is practically Biblical...

This is a tough one...

Oh, forget it. I just can't...WAIT!

Oh, yeah.

How about the fact that the Kansas City Royals have been fucking horrible for as long as Andy Pettitte has been in the league?!

Kansas City's collective record since 1995 (including 2008): 934 - 1268.

Thus, the Royals are 334 games under .500 over the last 13 years! 334!

Andy Pettitte is 91 games over .500 on his own during that same time frame.

Michael? Al? Do you think that, when a good pitcher faces a god-awful lineup for a decade, the potential outcome might favor the good pitcher?

But, then again...baseball is a seriously mental game.
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Do You Dare To Pump Your Fist At Me, Sir?

Scandal has rocked Yankeetown yet again, this time following a much-needed victory. Young Joba Chamberlain’s fist has gotten people talking.

Upon seeing Chamberlain’s boisterous reaction to his 8^th inning, two-out strikeout of David Delucci in Wednesday’s matinee (with a three-run lead), I immediately cringed. The kid is a bit of a brat. While energy and enthusiasm is grand (and, one could easily argue, has been missing from this team for several seasons) there comes a point when it starts to look childish.

Joba is reaching that point.

While a small, self-satisfied fist-pump, or slap of the glove, would not raise any eyebrows, the guy celebrated like it was Game 7 of the World Series, or, at the very least, like the situation was pressure-filled. It wasn’t, and the reaction was overblown.

What’s more, when we contrast the "Joba Yell" of yesterday to the reaction following his game-blowing three-run homerun to Delucci on Tuesday night, the childishness becomes more apparent. By now, the moment has been much discussed: Chamberlain, seeming to have suffered a mental break, was filmed pulling the hair out of his head in the dugout following the inning.

Not only is that immature, it’s borderline frightening.

However, it should not go without saying that the Indians (Delucci, in particular) made themselves look pathetic as well, following the game, in response to Joba’s celebration.

First, this nugget from Delucci: “…if a hitter was to do something like that they’d probably say it was bush [league], and you shouldn’t do it…It’s kind of funny how a pitcher can get away with it.”

Ummm, David? Watch much baseball? Hitters don’t get a way with it?! Please refer to Ramirez, Manny; Bonds, Barry; or any other big hitter who likes to watch the ball fly over the fence from the comfort of their batter’s box. Are you seriously that jaded? How many pitchers are notorious for their posturing? Right now, Joba Chamberlain is part of a very small fraternity that includes Carlos Zambrano, and not many dudes wanna be bros with Carlos Zambrano. The number of pompous hitters, though, would take several minutes to list. Spare me your heartache.

Delucci wasn’t done dishing out the truth, however. In comparing his homerun on Tuesday to Chamberlain’s strikeout yesterday, the utility-man bragged, “My homerun was in a much bigger situation, more a key part of the game, and I didn’t dance around and scream.”

Translation: “Neh-neh-neh-neh-neh-nehhhh. My homerun was soooo much better than your strikeout. Your strikeout sucked. My homerun rocked. My homerun was totally more awesome than your stupid strikeout.”

On second thought, I take it back. Joba: pump away. You're no worse than anybody else.

Seriously, The Man Behind The Curtain Is Not Particulary Intelligent

As an undeniably satisfying follow-up to yesterday's post regarding Hank Steinbrenner's rant about Joba Chamberlain and the state of the Yankees pitching, we have a delicious tidbit heretofore undiscovered.

Here's a Hank quote from the now infamous New York Times article: "[Mussina] just needs to learn how to pitch like [45-year-old Phillies pitcher] Jamie Moyer."

Really, Hank? Moose needs to pitch more like Moyer?

Well, shiver-me-timbers! Lookie-lookie:

Most HR given up to Manny Ramirez (career):
1. Jamie Moyer (10)
2. Mike Mussina (9)

Done, and done.

See? And you think no one listens to you, you stupid bastard.
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Close Doesn't Hurt

Kyle Farnsworth’s near-killing of Manny Ramirez last night was probably intended to be a brushback pitch but, typical of Kyle, it was nowhere close.

Of course, more is already being made of this than necessary. For the life of me, I will never understand why “purpose pitches” are treated as such an indignity by teams. The “how dare you?” attitude reared its ugly head again last night, with Josh Beckett putting on his best “I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed” face, and Terry Francona looking like someone just punched his dog, after Farnsworth’s behind-the-head fastball to Manny.

I will now speak directly to the Red Sox and their “Nation”: Stop it! Use some logic! Do you think that Kyle Farnsworth was trying to hit Manny Ramirez in the head? For the love of all that is holy, he was doing (well, trying to do) what any pitcher should do…taking back the inside part of the plate! Ramirez has been lounging in the box for five straight games against the Yankees. Mussina, not surprisingly, refused to work him inside, leaving the half-retarded ogre to live off of the center, and outside corner, of the plate. The result: 6-9 in the series and 2 mammoth shots last night, alone. The buzz pitch makes him (gasp!) uncomfortable and unsure of what pitch selection he will see and, thus, less likely to single-handedly break the spirit of the pitching staff.

But, sure, go ahead and plan your retaliation. Who gives a shit about strategy and gamesmanship? It’s only your profession.

I speak again to our loyal readership (so, Maas and my father): To the credit of both Farnsworth and Ramirez, their remarks after the game were exactly on-point. When asked if the pitch had a purpose, Farnworth responded, “It just slipped. I was trying to be aggressive and go in on him, but the ball slipped on me.” He also added, “Any hitter, you gotta show him inside ore they’ll be sitting over the plate and wear everybody out.”

Hmm. Concise. Sensible. Thanks, Kyle.

Ramirez was asked if he was upset, to which he responded, “Not really. I like to compete. I like that challenge. It’s part of the competition.”

Hmmmm. Even more concise. Even more sensible. Complete sentences? Thanks, Manny!

So, the two men involved both say, essentially, “That’s the game. That’s the way it’s played. No problem.” Everything must be cool, then.

But, somewhere in the shadows, Josh Beckett is still shaking his head in disgust.

Somebody get Jeter a reinforced helmet.

Don't Make Shelley Duncan Angry. You Wouldn't Like Him When He's Angry.

Yup. He’s retarded.

Look, Shelley, we’re all for the balls-out, smashmouth play; however, when you announce to the general public precisely when and how you intend to seek revenge on another team for a perceived dirty hit, you officially enter the ranks of “moron.”

Yesterday’s altercation with the Rays was ugly on a lot of levels. In some respects we blame the Yankees: the aftermath of the Francisco Cervelli / Elliott Johnson collision came across as somewhat whiny. Joe Girardi was standing up for his guys when he called the hit inappropriate, but Joe should know, better than anyone, the perils of catching. Plus, he was a tough guy behind the plate, and I know that because the media has been telling me all week. The hit was hard, aggressive, and probably a little bit dirty (the cross-body-block tackle seemed a bit much) but, for God’s sake, take it like professional athletes are supposed to take it: say nothing and then buzz Carl Crawford up and in on Opening Day.

But Shelley’s comments leading up to yesterday were especially ridiculous. The whole “I didn’t think you ran over catchers in Spring Training. I guess we’ll have to play with a different intensity now,” shtick sounded childish and professional athletes should never attempt layered innuendo. Most people probably think Duncan has assured himself a role with the “big club,” thanks to his taking matters into his own hands; however, if anything, Lenny might have cost himself a spot on the team to start the year, if only because he’s sure to be suspended, and we doubt the Yankees will want to start the year a man down.

The Rays, however, are also to blame for this fiasco. There are few things more aggravating to us than the “How dare you?!” reaction from a team after they initiate a controversy. Whether the Rays believed that the Johnson hit was clean or not, they had to be ready for it! Any man, woman, or child who watched the collision understood that retaliation would be had at some point. So, spare us the sudden indignation. I’m looking at you Jonny Gomes. (Where the hell did you come from, by the way? You were on Duncan quicker than Spitzer on a prostitute.) And, for Joe Maddon to call Duncan’s take-out slide “borderline criminal,” is just pathetic. Let me get this straight: body chopping a catcher at the plate is “hardnosed,” but a spikes-up slide into second base is “contemptible”? Funny how different things look from the other side, ay Joe?

We pause, also, for a brief shout-out to the umpires, who perceived the early innings of this game to be a bonafied Pearl Harbor attack. Men in Blue, did you really believe that the Yankees had sent Heath Phillips to the mound to do their dirty work? Heath Phillips? Trust us, if the Bombers wanted to send a message, they would have made sure an erratic flame-thrower was on the mound. Kyle Farnsworth is good for something, you know.

Lastly, however, we save our ire for the media, on whom we lay the most blame. We all know that Spring Training is boring. The games are boring, the interviews are boring, everything is boring. Tweaked hamstrings and simulated games / bullpen sessions get the brunt of the attention. We get it. Not sexy. But, media: you caused this fight. From the second the collision occurred the stories came fast and furious. Will this cause retaliation? Will the Yankees fight back? Who will do it? When will it happen? Someone please read this exciting yet hypothetical report! In the end, you give a story life…even the non-stories. And, although Cervelli broke his wrist in a very unfortunate event, this was basically a non-story.

But, even the worst fisherman sometimes catches a fish (Did we just invent a new colloquialism?) and, to all the beat writers out there, your fish was obviously Shelley Duncan who, as previously mentioned, is retarded. You baited him, hook, line and sinker. You got him to bite on the retaliation angle, and you got what you wanted; an embarrassing, bench-clearing fight in March. And now, we’ll have to endure another week’s worth of stories about retaliation for the retaliation. As if the Yankees / Red Sox ordeal isn’t exhausting enough.

If you had your way, this would end with Rocco Baldelli dead, on his bathroom floor, with the initials “D.J.” carved into his chest.

Thankfully, as passive as it sounds, at least nobody got hurt in the brawl.

And at least we got that awesome picture of Akinori Iwamura getting a cleat stuck in his balls.

Hi! My Name Is: Shelley Duncan (DH / RF / 1B / Elbow Smasher)

Each day, "Piss and Wynegar" will present Yankees "player previews" for the coming 2008 season. In what can only be referred to as a "revelatory" strategy, we will use statistics, as well as opinion, to further our analysis.

Is this kid excited, or just retarded? Of all the Duncans in the league, Shelley is definitely the most fun. If nothing else, the tension created by watching him nearly put every one of his teammates on the DL with a broken arm makes watching each and every game worthwhile. Shelley, who we have affectionately dubbed, “Lenny,” strikes us as the newest Shane Spencer. Which is to say, he has come out of nowhere, hit a lot of homeruns, and will soon be exposed as not being very good at baseball.

Look, Lenny is fun. He was clearly in awe of his teammates and, in a way, he reminded us that these guys are playing a kid’s game and that it’s supposed to be (gasp!) fun. The only problem is, what does Girardi do with him in 2008? Duncan doesn’t have a position (at least Shane Spencer was an actual outfielder) and on-the-job training doesn’t sound too appealing, especially with Giambi, Damon, and Matsui already in defensive limbo. Offensively, too, as entertaining as his homerun stroke was in ’07, it seems more likely that the .257 AVG Shelley posted is the statistic more likely to be repeated than his 1:10 HR/AB ratio. We don’t mean to shit all over the kid, but he may not be the best fit for this year’s team. And, really, those elbow bashes are just plain dangerous.

To read previous "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.