I'm Writing A New Musical!

I hate Kevin Youkilis. Hate him. Sure, most Yankees fans say they hate Manny, or David Ortiz, but that's because they continuously beat our brains in on the field. I hate Youkilis because of what he clearly is as a human being: a petulant man-child.

My distaste for "Youk" began when he grew that goddamn goatee a couple of years back. It smelled of over-compensation; a theory that I began to believe in even more as the goatee grew longer and thicker with each passing series. Granted, this dislike was uncalled for, but it became warranted in August, 2007, when Youkilis, after Joba Chamberlain threw behind him on 2 consecutive pitches, turned to the homeplate umpire and could clearly be seen yelping, "Throw him out!" That's right, as opposed to charging the mound, or merely pointing his bat toward the pitcher and mouthing-off, He of the Facial Thicket hid behind the chest protector of an umpire, like a 7-year old little boy.

During tonight's game I was reminded of that pathetic display when Chamberlain again threw behind Youkilis (only this time it was one pitch, and it was behind the knees). Once again, Youk looked to the umpire for help, and when he didn't receive it he literally waited until the inning was over and complained to the ump again, in plain sight of camera and crowd.

Consider, too, that, earlier this season, Manny "Where Am I?" Ramirez called Youkilis out for having hissy fits, and you've got yourself a surefire asshole.

That's why I have decided to pen a new musical based on the life of one Kevin Youkilis. Behold:

"The Whiniest Bitch," a new musical by Pasqua.

Featuring such songs as:

• "The Bad Man Threw Behind Me"
• "I Wanna Play First Base (I Wanna!)"
• "Lost in Your Goatee"
• "Ball 4 is Job 1"
• "Walk Like A Man, Even When You're Not"
• "I'm An All-Star and You're Not"

and

• "I Don't Know Much, But I Know You're A Douchebag" (a duet with Manny Ramirez)

I really think this show has potential. Feel free to contribute any additional song ideas.

P.S. I'm also penning a tune based on Joe Girardi. The working title: "I'm Wound Tighter Than My Offense"
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Do You Dare To Pump Your Fist At Me, Sir?

Scandal has rocked Yankeetown yet again, this time following a much-needed victory. Young Joba Chamberlain’s fist has gotten people talking.

Upon seeing Chamberlain’s boisterous reaction to his 8^th inning, two-out strikeout of David Delucci in Wednesday’s matinee (with a three-run lead), I immediately cringed. The kid is a bit of a brat. While energy and enthusiasm is grand (and, one could easily argue, has been missing from this team for several seasons) there comes a point when it starts to look childish.

Joba is reaching that point.

While a small, self-satisfied fist-pump, or slap of the glove, would not raise any eyebrows, the guy celebrated like it was Game 7 of the World Series, or, at the very least, like the situation was pressure-filled. It wasn’t, and the reaction was overblown.

What’s more, when we contrast the "Joba Yell" of yesterday to the reaction following his game-blowing three-run homerun to Delucci on Tuesday night, the childishness becomes more apparent. By now, the moment has been much discussed: Chamberlain, seeming to have suffered a mental break, was filmed pulling the hair out of his head in the dugout following the inning.

Not only is that immature, it’s borderline frightening.

However, it should not go without saying that the Indians (Delucci, in particular) made themselves look pathetic as well, following the game, in response to Joba’s celebration.

First, this nugget from Delucci: “…if a hitter was to do something like that they’d probably say it was bush [league], and you shouldn’t do it…It’s kind of funny how a pitcher can get away with it.”

Ummm, David? Watch much baseball? Hitters don’t get a way with it?! Please refer to Ramirez, Manny; Bonds, Barry; or any other big hitter who likes to watch the ball fly over the fence from the comfort of their batter’s box. Are you seriously that jaded? How many pitchers are notorious for their posturing? Right now, Joba Chamberlain is part of a very small fraternity that includes Carlos Zambrano, and not many dudes wanna be bros with Carlos Zambrano. The number of pompous hitters, though, would take several minutes to list. Spare me your heartache.

Delucci wasn’t done dishing out the truth, however. In comparing his homerun on Tuesday to Chamberlain’s strikeout yesterday, the utility-man bragged, “My homerun was in a much bigger situation, more a key part of the game, and I didn’t dance around and scream.”

Translation: “Neh-neh-neh-neh-neh-nehhhh. My homerun was soooo much better than your strikeout. Your strikeout sucked. My homerun rocked. My homerun was totally more awesome than your stupid strikeout.”

On second thought, I take it back. Joba: pump away. You're no worse than anybody else.

Public Service Announcement

We join the fight.

Vote.

Do it, people.

Don't Make Shelley Duncan Angry. You Wouldn't Like Him When He's Angry.

Yup. He’s retarded.

Look, Shelley, we’re all for the balls-out, smashmouth play; however, when you announce to the general public precisely when and how you intend to seek revenge on another team for a perceived dirty hit, you officially enter the ranks of “moron.”

Yesterday’s altercation with the Rays was ugly on a lot of levels. In some respects we blame the Yankees: the aftermath of the Francisco Cervelli / Elliott Johnson collision came across as somewhat whiny. Joe Girardi was standing up for his guys when he called the hit inappropriate, but Joe should know, better than anyone, the perils of catching. Plus, he was a tough guy behind the plate, and I know that because the media has been telling me all week. The hit was hard, aggressive, and probably a little bit dirty (the cross-body-block tackle seemed a bit much) but, for God’s sake, take it like professional athletes are supposed to take it: say nothing and then buzz Carl Crawford up and in on Opening Day.

But Shelley’s comments leading up to yesterday were especially ridiculous. The whole “I didn’t think you ran over catchers in Spring Training. I guess we’ll have to play with a different intensity now,” shtick sounded childish and professional athletes should never attempt layered innuendo. Most people probably think Duncan has assured himself a role with the “big club,” thanks to his taking matters into his own hands; however, if anything, Lenny might have cost himself a spot on the team to start the year, if only because he’s sure to be suspended, and we doubt the Yankees will want to start the year a man down.

The Rays, however, are also to blame for this fiasco. There are few things more aggravating to us than the “How dare you?!” reaction from a team after they initiate a controversy. Whether the Rays believed that the Johnson hit was clean or not, they had to be ready for it! Any man, woman, or child who watched the collision understood that retaliation would be had at some point. So, spare us the sudden indignation. I’m looking at you Jonny Gomes. (Where the hell did you come from, by the way? You were on Duncan quicker than Spitzer on a prostitute.) And, for Joe Maddon to call Duncan’s take-out slide “borderline criminal,” is just pathetic. Let me get this straight: body chopping a catcher at the plate is “hardnosed,” but a spikes-up slide into second base is “contemptible”? Funny how different things look from the other side, ay Joe?

We pause, also, for a brief shout-out to the umpires, who perceived the early innings of this game to be a bonafied Pearl Harbor attack. Men in Blue, did you really believe that the Yankees had sent Heath Phillips to the mound to do their dirty work? Heath Phillips? Trust us, if the Bombers wanted to send a message, they would have made sure an erratic flame-thrower was on the mound. Kyle Farnsworth is good for something, you know.

Lastly, however, we save our ire for the media, on whom we lay the most blame. We all know that Spring Training is boring. The games are boring, the interviews are boring, everything is boring. Tweaked hamstrings and simulated games / bullpen sessions get the brunt of the attention. We get it. Not sexy. But, media: you caused this fight. From the second the collision occurred the stories came fast and furious. Will this cause retaliation? Will the Yankees fight back? Who will do it? When will it happen? Someone please read this exciting yet hypothetical report! In the end, you give a story life…even the non-stories. And, although Cervelli broke his wrist in a very unfortunate event, this was basically a non-story.

But, even the worst fisherman sometimes catches a fish (Did we just invent a new colloquialism?) and, to all the beat writers out there, your fish was obviously Shelley Duncan who, as previously mentioned, is retarded. You baited him, hook, line and sinker. You got him to bite on the retaliation angle, and you got what you wanted; an embarrassing, bench-clearing fight in March. And now, we’ll have to endure another week’s worth of stories about retaliation for the retaliation. As if the Yankees / Red Sox ordeal isn’t exhausting enough.

If you had your way, this would end with Rocco Baldelli dead, on his bathroom floor, with the initials “D.J.” carved into his chest.

Thankfully, as passive as it sounds, at least nobody got hurt in the brawl.

And at least we got that awesome picture of Akinori Iwamura getting a cleat stuck in his balls.

The Greatest Thing that has Ever Been on the Internet Ever! Ever, Goddamn You!

Recently, Phil Hughes has gotten a lot of attention for his new blog. He deserves it - it's entertaining enough and the guy actually seems to appreciate his fan base. But all of this love for Philly-boy has caused us to overlook something that should be considered nothing less than a national treasure.

It is sublime.

It is Chien-Ming Wang's blog.

Now I don't want to make fun of it too much...the guy does seem to give to an awful lot of Taiwanese charities, and that is surely commendable.

But, fellow bloggers and blog readers, Wang's greatest gift to all of us is simply this...

The list of archived articles.

BEHOLD! Wang jokes!

12.07 Wang makes two dreams come true
10.03 Subdued Wang given critical test
09.21 Wang lasts seven strong innings
08.27 Statement regarding Wang Merchandise
08.08 Wang struggles in Toronto
06.28 Wang let off the hook
06.12 Wang goes seven strong innings (twice!)
05.16 Yankees earn split behind Wang
05.10 Wang roughed up by Rangers
May Wang makes The TIME 100
04.24 Wang delivers solid performance
04.24 Notes: Wang warmly welcomed back
08.02 Wang dominates Toronto
07.27 Poise and humor carry Wang far

And it may just be me...but the presence of the word "Wang" just seems to make anything - even the nonsensical - funny.

12.06 Wang donates equipment
11.15 Wang reunites with Karstens
05.05 Wang nearly perfect in Yanks' rout
04.29 Wang can't slow Red Sox
03.24 Wang to start season on disabled list
08.23 Wang has his way against Mariners
08.18 Wang cool under pressure in victory
05.17 Wang rescues Yanks again

Enjoy!
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Gary Sheffield: Fragile Terminator

You know, as of this evening, four days of Spring Training had passed and something just didn't feel right. I hadn't been able to place my finger on it. Was it the overkill on the Clemens / HGH story? The litany of NBA trades being made? The fact that I have a baby due any second? No. I realize now: I was missing Gary Sheffield pouring on his specially designed brand of crazy.

Thank goodness all is now right with the world.

Now, this particular version of Gary-crazy happens to be difficult for me to come to terms with, especially since Sheff is directing his ever-present bile at another loathsome character in Scott Boras, his former agent. Seems that Gary is threatening to unload a whole bunch of "ugly things" (read: crazy, likely delusional, things) about Boras because of some pending litigation related to Boras's involvement (or lack thereof) in the completion of Sheffiled's 2004 contract with the Yankees.

Like any good Yankees fan -- heck, like any good baseball fan -- I maintain a great deal of disdain for Boras and his ego-maniacal, subversive tactics as an agent. The guy is skeevy, to say the least, and I have gleaned a great deal of satisfaction this offseason watching his high profile clients (A-Rod) and not-so-high profile clients (Kenny Rogers) tell him to shove it. The problem is, when Boras's combatant is Gary Sheffield, I really don't know who to root for.

When he was a Yankee, I really dug Sheff. He played hard, he played hurt, and he produced. But I always separated On-the-Field-Sheff and Off-the-Field-Sheff because, frankly, Off-the-Field-Sheff was, and is, an intolerable, insolent man-child. He has carried a victim complex with him throughout his career and, no matter how happy he seems at the beginning of a contract, you can bet the house that he will be whining and crying about being disrespected by the end of it.

What is so irksome about this new story is that, not only is Sheffield complaining again, he has created a seemingly new persona: baseball vigilante. He's the dude with the goods. Don't play with fire, or you might get burned. You get the idea.

Note some of his gems while talking to reporters about the Boras issue:

"[What I have to say about Boras] ain't going to be pretty...No fine is going to be big enough. No suspension is going to be long enough."

Oh, Gary. You big, bad man. You aren't scared of anybody, are you? You're so tough, I peed myself a little bit just reading that quote.

"Actually, I'm not supposed to be talking about [the case] at all...But, I am anyway."

You're a loner, Gary. A rebel. You and Pee-Wee Herman.

"Can you explain why (Miguel) Tejada gets [a six year contract], (Vladimir) Guerrero gets five years and I get three? [Boras] cost me two years of a contract because he was trying to tarnish my name."

Yes, indeed, Gary. Scott Boras cost you two years guaranteed on a contract that you, yourself, admit to negotiating with George Steinbrenner on your own. Hey! Maybe you should pick a fight with yourself now! That would be awesome.

And, finally, the topper:

"The whole year (2003) in Atlanta , I had to get the players' association to stop [Boras] from writing me threatening letters saying, 'Either you let me do your contract or I'll be forced to sue you.' That's a threat and harassment."

Actually, Gary, that's a heads-up. But, that's also beside the point. Reader, do you see how easily and quickly Gary transitioned from aggressor to victim there? It's like he's the schoolyard punk with the rich parents; the one who likes to harass all of the smaller kids but then runs home crying once somebody pokes him in the shoulder. Poor Gary's being threatened! What are you going to do about it player's association? Ugh.

In the end, I don't mean to paint Scott Boras as innocent here. In fact, I feel confident that his dealings were probably shady in some form or another. But I just can't take Sheffield's continual need for attention and sympathy. He's made a career of burning every bridge he's ever crossed and, not only is his act infuriating, it's predictable.

Gary, when you play a game for a living, and get paid millions to do it, most fans have no respect for insufferable babies. If MLB is out to get you, why don't you just go away? I have a sneaky feeling no one will chase after you.
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