YES Network Needs To Get Laid, Apparently

The pseudo-second half of the 2008 season began tonight with the Yankees taking on the Oakland Athletics and the YES Network was hot to trot.

First, we at Piss and Wynegar salute the network for beating us to the punch when it comes to making childish puns related to Richie Sexson. Before the game even began, the stats of the Yanks' new part-time first baseman (I'll take credit, by the way) were presented with the header, "Sexson and The City." Nice job, YES. The play on words was topical and, most importantly, conjured images of entitled, stuffy white women drinking cosmopolitans to fill the oversexed voids in their lives. Now that's baseball. Nothing gets me ready to watch a ballgame like the thought of Kim Catrall's vagina. Nothing.

Second, I must admit a new appreciation for David "Capt. Obvious" Cone after he shared a questionable on-air anecdote about his early days in the minors. Seems that one small town organization used to run a "25 Cent Beer" gimmick every Wednesday night. Cone, with great pride, recalled that the team owner would allow the players -- with a win -- to stay late and "finish off the kegs." What's more, Cone also gleefully recalled that the young, college-aged "usherettes" employed at the stadium would also be permitted to partake of the libation.

After Cone finished his tale of drunken debauchery, Ken Singleton could only muster an uncomfortable, muffled chuckle.

Nothin' like good ol' sports broadcasting. Fun for the whole family!
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David Cone, Where Have You Been All My Life?

When he wasn't masturbating in the bullpen or losing feeling in his right arm, David Cone was an awesome pitcher. The memory of watching his perfect game against Montreal in '99 will always be one of those rare "I remember where I was and what I was doing" baseball recollections. Even when he went to the Red Sox at the end of his career I kind of rooted for him, because I loved watching him pitch. (Do you remember that he was the opposing -- and equally dominant -- pitcher in Mike Mussina's 8 2/3 perfect game at Fenway Park in September of 2001?)

So, it is with a heavy heart that I publicly declare my disdain for David Cone, The YES Analyst.

Dear lord, he's horrible. And, yes, I know he was calling his first game today, but really. Why is it that all YES announcers be lobotomized before stepping in the booth? Ken Singleton (who called the game with Cone), John Flaherty, and even Joe Girardi (before he got the managing gig), have made a career out of dull, saccharine commentary devoid of any form of insight. When Al Leiter is the best "color man" on the roster because he's generally cranky, you know there are problems.

Clearly taking his cues from the School of Half-Full Glasses, here is just a small sample of Cone's wit and wisdom from today's Yankees / Royals game:

Cone, The Insightful: "That was close. It could have gone either way."
(Remarked following a check swing by Ross Gload that is called a swinging strike by the 3B umpire.)

Cone, The Elaborator: "Yes. Very nice."
(Remarked after Ken Singleton points out that Royals starter Brian Bannister has changed his number to #19, the jersey worn by his father, and commenting, "That's a nice way to honor your father.")

Cone, The Fucking Moron: "Very impressive. He's still trying to hit his spots."
(Remarked after Phil Hughes throws his 17th ball in a row in the 3rd inning...and also his 80th pitch of the game.)

Don't ruin my memories, Cone. I'm still trying to get over Paul O'Neill's transformation from tantrum-throwing badass on the field to girlie-laughing sidekick in the booth. Just back away from the mic.

Of course, the epitome of horseshit YES announcing still belongs to the aforementioned Ken Singleton. A couple of years back, when the Yanks were playing the (Devil) Rays, Singleton decided that the viewing audience just had to know about a conversation he had had about Carl Crawford with Tampa's hitting coach. According to Singleton, he broke the ice by commenting to the coach, "Hey, that Carl Crawford is a good hitter."

The response from the hitting coach? I'll let Maas finish the story in the comments.