A Modest Proposal

YES network execs, are you listening? You've already taken one shot at reality TV with The Ultimate Roadtrip...and I think we can all say that was a rousing success, right? Right? Anyone? No? OK.

But the time is ripe for what may be the greatest reality show of all time. I present you with...

Lucky Thirteen: The A-Rod Dating Show!!!


Thirteen women compete for the heart of baseball's greatest player.

Now hear me out. Really, we've all had our fill of Michael Kay and there's only so many times you can re-run the Snoop Dog episode of Centerstage so let's strike while the iron is hot and get this done.

First off, we all know this Madonna thing will be over in a hurry and that leaves Alex to his own devices in the middle of NYC. A show like this allows the greater Yankees empire more say in who A-Rod decides to distract himself with next.

A-Rod's breakup with his wife isn't the only impending split that fits perfectly into this plan: with the inevitable breakup of Mike and the Mad Dog, you have the absolute perfect reality show host available now in one Christopher Russo. The hyperbole, the screaming, the speech impediment, and the fact that he will absolutely reek of desperation after being let go by WFAN makes this a perfect storm of Howie Mandel meets Tom Bergeron proportions.

"OH! THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE, ALEX! IT'S A DISGRACE! YOU KISS HER IN A HOT-TUB ONE MINUTE AND THEN SEND HER FANNY HOME THE NEXT? ABSOLUTE DISGRACE...say somethin' funny, Bob Sheppard."

"Number 6, you have been ejected from Lucky Thirteen. And now let's welcome Ronan Tynan...as he sings...Happy Trails...to You. Number 6."

On the other end, contestants who successfully make it through to the next round (we'll call them innings...it's fun!) get a celebratory bump dance from Robinson Cano and Melky Cabrera.

I haven't worked out the other details yet, except that each time someone makes it through to the next inning they have to get one of those classic A-Rod sound bite speeches. Something like: "Hey, y'know...you put yourself in a situation where you could succeed and...I guess it worked out for you this time." Of course this would be counter-balanced with the rejection speech of "Well, you put maximum effort out there, but unfortunately things just didn't work out the way you wanted them to. Just go home tonight, forget about it, and go back out there tomorrow, I guess."

YES execs, get in touch. We'll work it out. Email address is over there on the right.
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