Michael Kay Wants You Well-Rested

Michael Kay is a paradox, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a mystery. If you listen to his radio show on ESPN Radio, you’ll hear a man with strong (even blowhard) opinions about all things sport – including very critical commentary regarding the Yankees. On that show he pulls very few punches.

To listen to him do play-by-play on the YES Network, however, one would think it is a different man. He is a rah-rah guy, to put it mildly, and “criticism” usually comes in the form of a carefully-phrased question, or the deadly “While I don’t necessarily agree, some people think…” routine. He clearly fears biting the hand that feeds him on television (read: the Yankees), even though he is paid to provide insight.

Nowhere was this contradiction in approach better illustrated than during Tuesday night’s game against the Tigers; a game that probably saw Phil Hughes breathe his last at the pro level for now. Late in the evening, as the Yankees prepared to go down in defeat, Kay decided to pontificate on the reason for the Yankees’ poor performance. I am paraphrasing the following, but it is essentially word-for-word:

“Do you think the Yankees poor effort tonight is due to the pitching of Kenny Rogers and [the three relievers that followed], or is it the fact that the Yankees are just tired from such a long road trip?”

“Tired from the long road trip”? Are you kidding? Notice: not one mention of the fact that the Yankees left 13 men on base over the course of the game. No mention of the fact that the Tigers walked the bases loaded on two separate occasions and the Yankees only managed to score one measly run. No mention, either, of the continuing failure of everyone in the lineup to hit with RISP. No, it must be that they’re tired, Michael, not just completely inept in every facet of the game right now. Because to say that they are inept would be critical, and seeing as this isn’t your radio show, we must not criticize, we must merely hypothesize.

All of this, not to mention the fact that it’s April! They’ve played less than 30 games! Yes, 18 of 20 on the road is a long haul, but it’s not like the team is sleeping in their cars. They stay in five-star hotels, earn hundreds of dollars a day in fucking food money (despite the fact that they’re millionaires), and, in general, live like royalty.

But, sure, they're exhausted. Poor babies. I recommend a new stat to be added to the traditional AVG / HR / RBI / OBP staple: HSLN (Hours Slept Last Night). Without it, how am I to know why my favorite player keeps popping out to the shortstop?