The Mighty Crystal Has Struck Out

Paul Maholm, you have my undying respect.

Let’s face it. The “Billy Crystal is a Yankee for a Day” thing was ridiculous. You might even go so far as to say that it was a farce. Working out with the team is fine. Taking batting practice with the team is adorable. Running drills with the team is quaint. But playing in an actual Major League Baseball game is bordering on sacrilegious.

We’re not prudes. Fun is fun. But we also believe in the sanctity of the game, and bringing in some guy off of the street to play in a game between two legit squads – regardless of whether it is Spring Training or not – is outrageous. And, just because Billy Crystal is famous, and 60, doesn’t exempt him from this fact. In the world of baseball he is “some guy.” What has he contributed to warrant this kind of special treatment? He loved Mickey Mantle? He remembers the old Yankee Stadium? Does a mean Bob Shepard impersonation? Can spin yarn about “the good ol’ days” when he could by a bleacher seat for a nickel and be whisked away by the aura of Yankees baseball?

Mix in the debacle that was the Dane Cook “This Is October” campaign last year, and MLB’s fascination with over-hyped comedians is getting uncomfortable.

In retrospect, we should probably look on the bright side. The two teams could have turned this into a bit, in which Maholm would have thrown behind Crystal, who would then have uproariously charged the pitcher, only to grab his back and feign a muscle spasm as he approached the mound, at which point Jason Bay would have picked-up Billy, put him over his shoulder and placed him, gently, back in the batter’s box. Comedy gold! (Actually in my mind, this was the original plan, but it had to be scrapped when Shelley Duncan threatened to body slam Xavier Nady if “anybody touches Billy!”)

To Crystal’s credit, though (and we can give credit here; we’re not that angry), he did take a couple of good hacks, and even…worked the count? He meant business, and the simple fact that he touched an 88 mph fastball (or so the radar gun said) warrants a slap on the back. But, really, DH? In a real game? Leading off?

I swear to God, if Kevin Costner even shows his face in a Major League locker room this season, just blow up the Hall of Fame.