Piss and Wynegar

Sometimes....The Rage....Is....Over....Whelming

2009-01-09T16:17:00.005-05:00

Carl Pavano, obviously speaking from an undisclosed location:

"When you're down, you expect your organization to pick you up, not kick you when you're down. I've had to pick myself up quite a few times the last four years."

[Deep breath.]

So, Carl. Can I call you Carl? Are you suggesting that you weren't supported by the Yankees over the course of your four pathetic, embarrassing, and borderline criminal years in pinstripes?

[Deeper breath.]

Let me just say this. One of the ways I rationalized the debacle that was "Carl Pavano: Yankee" was by believing that he, at the very least, felt badly for his inability to stay healthy; that when he was cashing his paychecks, he did so with a twinge of guilt and discomfort (in an area other than his shoulder, elbow or ass, mind you).

Now, it is apparent that the only person Carl felt badly for was himself. And that, dear reader, is so, so, so incredibly pathetic.

[Exhale.]
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On Money and Teixeira

2008-12-23T21:39:00.002-05:00

When the news came down this afternoon that the Yankees had stolen Mark Teixeira away from those poor old Red Sox (who, really, just can't seem to catch a break, poor kids) my first thought was, "How am I going to deal with the onslaught of bile coming out of the mouths of my Yankee-hating friends and colleagues?"

In truth, picking up Tex for $180 million does, on the surface, appear to solidify the Yankees' status as an embarrassment of riches. I can understand the frustration that fans of other teams are feeling. Cashman and Co. have gone on a spending spree that surprises even most Bomber fans, let alone Bomber bashers; however, in thinking about it this evening I've decided to adopt a harsh, yet sincere mantra: If you don't like it, too bad. Deal with it.

Now, believe me, I do not say this to sound obnoxious (even though it does). Nor do I say it to be antagonistic, or generally arrogant. I say it because I am tired of every fan blaming the Yankees for their team's shortcomings. I am tired of having to defend a team who, more than any other organization in sport, puts its profits back into its product. Consider that for a moment. Can you think of any business (and, yes, folks, it's a business, as entertaining and heart-wrenching as it is) that actually gets ridiculed for catering to its client and working on his behalf? Let me answer: No. No, you do not.

As ridiculous as it may sound, the Yankees are actually victimized by their desire to create a profitable and competitive product. They are victimized by the fact that they represent the "visible evil"; the team that spends an immense amount of money, calls the boring press conferences, and shows up in every sport tabloid no matter what the rumor. Their spending is tangible and apparent.

On the flipside of that coin are all of the teams whose ownership winces and whines over every dollar that they are forced to shell out to their talent. Please spare me the sob story of the "small market team" that can't afford to compete. An owner, whether he is in Kansas City or New York, is going to be a multi-millionaire with his hand in a multitude of industries, all of which have made him rich beyond compare (richer, even, than the Steinbrenners). Where is the outcry when these "small market" owners quietly refuse to do their due diligence and spend money for the benefit of their organization and their fans? Where is the complaint when these same owners pocket their cut of revenue sharing instead of investing it in the team, which was the intent of revenue sharing in the first place? Answer: You don't see it, because the actions on the part of these owners is not tangible; not apparent. Theirs is the "invisible evil," and no one gets upset about what they cannot see.

So, really, who is doing more damage to baseball? If nothing else, the Yankees are a model for how to turn a game into a legacy (of performance and profit). Dare I say it? Maybe others should be taking pointers, instead of pointing fingers.

I'll close with an analogy, and see if it makes sense (I'm not sure it does, but here goes): You have a child, and that child is fortunate enough to build a small fortune through his/her work; more money than anyone in your neighborhood. When your child, then, decides to build a giant house for himself in the middle of the neighborhood, are you going to tell the child, "You can't build that house. Nobody else in the neighborhood has a house that big, so you shouldn't either. Even though your work has enabled you to afford the house, it just wouldn't be fair to everybody else if you built it. Why don't you just buy a small house and keep that fortune hidden away."

Something tells me that wouldn't be your angle.

The Yankees have built their house. They've (literally) earned that right. Deal with it.
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It's A Trap!

2008-12-07T21:31:00.006-05:00

Can't help but start to think that C.C. Sabathia is leading the Yankees into very dangerous territory and has no qualms about leaving the one team to offer him endless supplies of cash with no rotation to speak of.

At first, I had no problem with C.C. taking his time. "Hey," I rationalized, " If the dude wants to pitcher here, he'll pitch here. If he doesn't, he'll sign somewhere else. He's going to set the market, so even if he bails, the Yanks will still have plenty of options."

Well, the operative part of that thought was, "He'll sign somewhere." Nearly one month after receiving the offer from Cashman & Co., C.C. is silent as a mouse. What's worse is the fact that there are rumblings of other players (like A.J. Burnett and Mark Tex) getting ready to make decisions about their respective futures. So, C.C.'s lack of action and the potential-action of others, has finally put the Yankees in a very unstable situation.

That being said, it's time for Brian "Akbar" Cashman to go on the offensive: set a deadline and prepare to pull the offer to Sabathia.

You know what? Fuck 'em. If C.C. wants to play on the West Coast, more power to him, but the Yankees cannot wait around and let that Death Star of a waistband take us down with him. If the Bombers pull their offer from the table, C.C. will undoubtedly get his wish of where to play, but at a helluva lot less moolah. Sounds fair to me. He'll have to pay a restocking fee for his procrastination, but he'll have what he wants.

On the other hand, a Yankee-imposed deadline could freak the guy out and make him jump to the dotted line, like a splash of cold water to the face. Sabathia can't be waiting for the Yankees to up their offer because, frankly, nobody is going to match it. If it's money he wants, it's money we have, and it's money he shall share. So, what's the hold up? Stop letting him dictate. Essentially, a deadline will force Sabathia to reconcile his true desire: geography, or money. In his heart of hearts, I'm sure he knows which wins.

Regardless, though, if Cashman forces everybody's hand in this stalemate, one thing (at least) is certain: the Yankees won't be totally screwed at the end of it...and, really, that's all we good people of New York care about.

We will not fight you, C.C. There's still good in you. We can feel it.

But, seriously, make up your fucking mind.
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Skippy, You're Dominican

2008-12-06T21:31:00.003-05:00

In a shocking turn of events, Alex Rodriguez has decided to be Dominican before CC Sabathia has decided to be a Yankee.

I hope nobody had any money on that over/under.

Truly, only ARod could mess up this non-momentous, non-event twice. In the winter of 2006, I recall sitting on the edge of my seat, losing sleep, waiting to find out if our hero would don the uniform of the stars n' stripes for the WBC or honor his Dominican heritage and play for the good ol' D.R. It was a decision Alex ended up making no less than three different times, and in doing so, somehow (as he always does) managed to make himself look like a total ass. And now, in 2008, while he has made his definitive intentions known, he throws this gem into the mix:

“This time, there will be no doubts and it is a dream of my mom’s that I intend to fulfill.”

Ah, "the dream." Oh, how long ARod's mother has yearned to see her son compete for the Dominican Republic in the WBC. Of course, by now we've all heard the now-legendary stories of Mrs. Rod sitting a bright-eyed, tee-ball-aged Alex on her lap and extolling the virtues of playing for the Dominican in a fabricated, money-generating farce of a baseball competition that wouldn't be invented for thirty years.

Well, Mrs. Rod, today your baby boy honors your dream.

And by "honors your dream" I mean, "Uses you so as not to look like a fickle, self-conscious tool."

EDIT: While revisiting the MLB.com article linked in this post, I happened to notice the caption under the picture of ARod. It reads, " 'It will be a very special day for me and my family to see me play again with a Dominican uniform,' said U.S.-born Alex Rodriguez, who claims dual citizenship. " Nicely placed passive-aggressive insult there, MLB. Kudos to you.
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Andy, Don't Go Away Mad...

2008-11-25T22:18:00.008-05:00

...just go away.

Here's a little excerpt from an article by FOX Sports' Ken Rosenthal:

Mike Mussina has retired, and the Yankees could lose Andy Pettitte, too.

Don't believe it?

Pettitte, 36, has spoken more than once with his former manager, Joe Torre, about joining the Dodgers, according to major-league sources.

And, lest anyone forget, Pettitte has a history of changing teams as a free agent when he does not feel completely wanted.

First, let me acknowledge that I understand that this is likely just a writer stirring something up to make a very, very dull couple of weeks more interesting. It's all part of the baseball media's smoke and mirrors act, in which "gut feeling" is disguised as "analysis," I know.

But something about those lines struck a chord in me, and I simply feel the need to comment.

If Andy Pettitte truly doesn't feel "wanted," will somebody please remind him to not let the proverbial door hit him on his proverbial ass on the way out of proverbial town? (Scratch that last "proverbial.") Honestly, somewhere in the dark recesses of his God-fearing soul, could Andy Pettitte actually be annoyed that the Yankees are taking a laisez-faire attitude toward resigning him? Please, Ken Rosenthal. Please tell me you're just pulling this out of your ass. (That's rhetorical, Ken. I'm sure you are.)

But let's play along for a minute. It would be the absolute height of ridiculousness if one fiber of Pettitte's being is currently feeling sorry for himself. While Andy has been a big part of the last decade-and-a-half, this is the same man that, conveniently, accepted $16 million from the Yanks last season, just a few short days before the Mitchell Report was released, is it not? Bet the big guy wasn't feeling too unwanted at the moment he realized he was about to become a baseball pariah, huh? Do you think Andy told Brian Cashman, as he picked up that pen and prepared to sign on the dotted line, "Oh, Bri-Bri. Next week I'm going to admit to doing steroids. Is that cool?"

Andy, your ass better feel all-sorts of "wanted" next year. I want you to feel so "wanted" that you constantly look the stadium in fear of bounty hunters. I want you to feel so "wanted" that you ride a steel horse to the park each day. I want you to feel so "wanted" that you insist your baseball card photo consist of a front-facing photo and a profile shot...in black and fucking white.

You owe us one.
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Hope CC Doesn't Read the Paper

2008-11-21T20:23:00.004-05:00

Leave it to the New York media to find smoke where there is no fire. With the ascension of Hal "The Chemically Balanced One" Steinbrenner to the Yankees throne, it took beat reporters one day to try and turn Boss II into his father.

When Hal remarked (off-handedly, on his way out of a meeting, mind you) that the timetable on the Yankees' ridiculously lucrative offer to CC Sabathia is "not indefinite," reporters decided to make it a scandal. Today's NY Daily News, for instance, grandly pronounces on its cover that Hal has ordered Sabathia to "make up his mind." Other news sources have echoed the sentiment, somehow confusing a bland (and obvious) comment with a stern mandate.

Of course the goddamned offer isn't indefinite. As a colleague of mine pointed out today, it is most surely temporary, if only because it will probably be taken off the table so that the Yanks can offer the big boy even more money when a West Coast team gets in on the bidding.

In any event, the reaction to this non-story got me thinking...imagine if the media treated every mundane remark with the same hyperbolic frenzy:

*"Incredulous McDonald's Employee Insists That Fries Be Considered"
*"Pessimistic Weatherman Refers to Mostly Sunny Day as Partly Cloudy"
*"Cop Orders Suspect to Put Hands on Head; Does Not Say 'Please'"
*"Dentist's Patient Spits While in Chair"
*"Barack Obama Taxes Wealthy; Establishes Socialist Government"

That last one is too ridiculous to even imagine being printed.

In other news: Hey, did you know Mike Mussina retired? Did you know he's a borderline Hall of Famer? Did you know he likes crossword puzzles? Did you know he knew he would retire before this season even began? Did you know he won 20 games for the first time in 2008? Did you know he was kind of a dick to the reporters who are now celebrating him as "his own man"? Did you know he was so bad in 2007 that he lost his spot in the rotation but that everyone has conveniently forgotten that because it tarnishes a "feel good" story?

I sure didn't know all that. I'm glad every reporter on the planet has filled me in over the last 24 hours.

Oh, wait. I did know all that. Wow. I've wasted a lot of time today.
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Good Night, Sweet Prince(s)

2008-11-14T20:42:00.007-05:00

We suppose it was inevitable. We imagine that we should have seen it coming. We know that all good things must come to an end. But, to quote the Princeton Tigers manager Scott Bradley, after being hit in the chest with a line drive during fielding practice, "Why does it hurt so bad?"

Fire Joe Morgan is no more, and the world is, simply, a darker place for it.

We became avid, voracious readers of FJM three solid years ago. Maas was the one who pointed me in its direction, and I remember my early encounters with the blog as vividly as I do the first dates enjoyed with my now-wife (the main difference being that, thankfully, the boys at FJM posted virtually every day and I didn't have to wait until the weekend and drive three + hours, to the Berkshires, to enjoy their company).

Once, I was lucky enough to earn a sacred "hat tip." It was Opening Day of the 2006 season (Monday, April 3 to be exact). On this day, the esteemed John Kruk (of Baseball Tonight fame) pronounced that the Red Sox would win the AL East; however, only one day earlier, the same venerable Mr. Kruk had predicted the Yankees would win 130 games. I quickly emailed Junior to point out that Kruk, in his own special and boneheaded way, had just bequeathed 130 + wins on the Sawx.

I knew it was a good tidbit. It was right up their alley; another talking head had mindlessly spouted-off a painfully unsubstantiated thought and attempted to pass it off as "insight." He needed to be stopped. Sure enough, within hours, I was immortalized. FJM had deemed my remark "analysis worthy of scorn" and seen fit to add it to the lore and semi-retardedness of John Kruk. To this day, I wear it as a badge of honor.

In the years that followed, I merely took pleasure in visiting the site daily, knowing that the boys were doing righteous and necessary work on behalf of a baseball-loving public that was, on average, 73 1/2 times more intelligent than virtually everyone writing about, or talking about, sports for a living.

In the winter of 2008, when we began this little blog that absolutely no one reads, we recognized that we had two choices, though they were never spoken aloud: 1. Be bad and uninformed enough in our analysis to warrant being lambasted by FJM, or; 2. Copy them.

We chose the latter, and Piss and Wynegar is forever grateful.

When, slowly but surely, the posts at Fire Joe Morgan became more and more infrequent (that is to say, when Ken Tremendous was the only one actually contributing), the writing was on the wall (or, blog...but it wasn't...that's the point) and I was alarmed. Where were the food metaphors? How was I to know if Darin Erstad was feeling particularly gritty and gamer-ish on a given day? Why was Bill Fremp being let off the hook? Fuck the heck?!

Interestingly (and appropriately), however, when I realized that we were actually posting more often than FJM, my alarm quickly and gently transformed into peaceful acceptance.

Their work was done.

Be fruitful, and multiply, Ken, Junior, Dak, Murbles, and Coach. And thank you. It's okay to let go now.

It's okay to let go.
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Alert: Scott Boras Shows Compassion; Ability to See Beyond Selfish Interests

2008-11-06T12:01:00.004-05:00

I...I just...I just don't know what to say.

Scott Boras just made sense.

Of course, it's unrelated to Jason Varitek, or baseball for that matter, but...my god.

I need to go lie down.

While speaking at the GM meetings in California, Boras reflected on the election and ruminated on the role of teachers in America: “College professors are held in high esteem and the same should be true of elementary and high school teachers...I was the beneficiary of an athletic scholarship. We should offer some of our best minds scholarships with the intent on them becoming teachers. You’re talking about the future of our children.”
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Gentlemen, Start Your Inane Ranting

2008-10-25T11:49:00.009-04:00

When the Yankees miss the playoffs, everybody loses.

Pete Abraham (Yankees beat reporter for The Journal News) has a super-terrific blog which, unlike us, he updates a ton with Yankees news. The blog has a HUGE following, but unfortunately many of the readers are completely irrational and infuriatingly stupid. We know this because they can't help but comment on Abe's blog...a lot.

Yesterday, Abraham posted a 4-sentence story which stated, simply, that Larry Bowa was staying with the Dodgers and, thus, the Yankees would have to consider other 3B Coach options, including un-retained Brewers manager, Dale Sveum.

Here's a sampling of the 150 comments (literally) that followed this innocuous piece of information:

"Is Mike Gallejo still with the Rockies coaching staff? He’d be a good choice for 3b coach. What about Tim the Rock Raines?" First: Mike "Gallejo"? Second: Why do people just love to pick a player out of their ass and anoint them as the answer to our base coaching prayers? As if they have some inside information about the way they windmill their arms or hold up their hands as a runner rounds the bag? "Homer Bush was fast. He'd be the perfect 3B coach because he'd make them run harder towards home! We gotta get this guy!"

"[The Brewers] treated Dale Sveum very shabbily. He takes over, gets them to the playoffs and he’s not even considered for the Brewers job?" He "got them to the playoffs" by managing 12 games, over which span they played .500 ball. Is there no justice?

"Nice going Cashbum. You miss out on Bowa and then Gallego. Terrible." "Cashbum." Punny. Also, notice that this guy has bought the previous guy's comment about Gallego hook, line and sinker. Suddenly he's a hot commodity. But, really, he's got a point. How the fuck are we supposed to win a championship if Mike Gallego isn't our fucking 3B coach?!

"Torre is really out to screw his ex-team I bet he begged Bowa to stay, oh well." It's all part of that manipulative bastad's master plan.

"This off-season is turning into an utter disaster." This might be my favorite comment of all, if only for the sheer, pouty lunacy of it. It's October 24th, not a single free agent has been signed by anybody, the World Series is two games old, and an old man who maybe/sort of had a chance at coming back to coach 3B is not coming back. This, of course = disaster for Yankees.

"Might as well trade cano now." Yup. It's over, Johnny. (Let it be said that I'm only, like, 20 comments into this post. These are coming one right after another.)

"Good to see Gallejo land with the A’s. Don’t be surprised he’s the next hot managerial candidate. The man knows baseball." "Gallejo" again. This is becoming like some sort of sociology experiment, where somebody validates a pointless or non-existent "something" and, suddenly, everyone needs to have it, even though they have absolutely no idea why.

"Luis Sojo for 3B coach! He can’t coach 3rd, but he will be a voice in that clubhouse" Obama for President! He can't be President, but he can eat seafood!

"Honestly I could care less who the 3B coach is at this point." Sanity! "Bowa was the ONLY option in my opinion. Anybody else will be the lesser pick as long as it not Meacham I’m alright with it." Less and less sane and then, finally, insane.

"If you want a no nonsense guy as a 3b coach, go get Ted Yost - formers Brewer manager." This guy has so carefully weighed the pros and cons of Yost as a potential 3B coach that he has discovered Yost's first name is actually "Ted," not "Ned," as previously believed by everyone in the fucking free world.

"Letting torre go may eclipse not trading for santana as the move that dooms the franchise." See that old dude drinkin' green tea and blowing out Scott Proctor's arm every year? Johan Santana can't hold that dude's jock strap. (pause) Yes, that Johan Santana. (pause) Yes, the greatest left-handed pitcher in baseball. That one. He's got nothin' on Torre. Nothin.'

"I thought Bowa wanted to return to the East Coast to be with his family? I guess his loyalty to Torre is more important than his family." Conjecture, anyone?

"Phil [Hughes] looks mean with those glasses and sporting the goatee." If by "mean" you mean "sexy" then, hell yeah, he looks mean!

Four months 'til pitchers and catchers, people.
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"Holy Shit"

2008-08-19T21:38:00.004-04:00

I don't believe in "clutch-hitting," or "grittiness." I don't believe that teams "don't play" for managers that they don't like. I don't believe that "chemistry" has any relevance to baseball, and I don't believe that any one person can "will" a team to win.

I do, however, believe in luck. Good and bad. And I believe that luck has an overwhelming impact on the outcome of a baseball game.

The Yankees are done. Is it in part due to injuries? Sure. But every team has injuries. Is it in part due to questionable in-game decisions? Maybe. But every manager makes them. Is it in part due to several players underperforming? Oh, yes. Yes, it is.

But, after watching this baffling 2-1 loss to the Blue Jays, I am convinced that every luck-infected element of this 2008 season has gone against the Yankees.

Case and point: Johnny Damon is moved to center field in order to allow Hideki Matsui to return as the full-time DH, and so that Xavier Nady can stay in the lineup and play left field. Johnny Damon, in his first game in center, drops (okay, "misplays") two fly balls, including the game winner. In all likelihood, if Brett Gardner, or Melky Cabrera, or even Justin Christian had been patrolling the outfield, that last ball would have gotten caught. The three guys who are essentially useless, except for their speed, could have conceivably allowed us to win the game tonight. Instead, a normally reliable Damon (whose bat needed to be in there) takes an 0-3 and drops a couple in the field

Luck. Or, should I say, lack thereof.

As part of their plethora of replays, the YES Network happened to show a shot of the Blue Jays' dugout as the ball bounced off of Damon's glove. The camera focused on A.J. Burnett who -- expectedly -- dominated the Yankees again. Upon watching the drop, Burnett could be seen exclaiming, "Holy shit!"

Holy shit, indeed, sir.
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Andy Pettitte Pitches Well Against The Royals...But Can Someone Tell Me Why?

2008-08-15T21:11:00.008-04:00

Mind-boggling stuff in the YES broadcast booth tonight. Michael Kay and Al Leiter just spent a solid five minutes contemplating the reason(s) that Andy Pettitte has compiled a 19-3 record against the Kansas City Royals, with a 3.58 ERA, over his 13 year career.

Here are the "factors" that they came up with over the course of their discussion:

--Pettitte gets pumped-up against "this color uniform."
--Pettitte likes pitching in Kaufman Stadium.
--Pettitte likes pitching in Yankee Stadium.
--This game (baseball) is very much "mental."

Study those carefully while I consider all of this.

Let's see.

Can I come up with a better reason?

Hmmm....

Well, staring at those blue helmets would certainly take my game to the next level...

I just don't know...

That record is practically Biblical...

This is a tough one...

Oh, forget it. I just can't...WAIT!

Oh, yeah.

How about the fact that the Kansas City Royals have been fucking horrible for as long as Andy Pettitte has been in the league?!

Kansas City's collective record since 1995 (including 2008): 934 - 1268.

Thus, the Royals are 334 games under .500 over the last 13 years! 334!

Andy Pettitte is 91 games over .500 on his own during that same time frame.

Michael? Al? Do you think that, when a good pitcher faces a god-awful lineup for a decade, the potential outcome might favor the good pitcher?

But, then again...baseball is a seriously mental game.
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He Who Must Not Be Named

2008-08-14T21:44:00.006-04:00

Something wicked this way comes.

With Dan Giese now headed to the DL, the Yankees are suddenly in need of a 4th starter.

Rumblings have grown into whispers, and whispers (I fear) will soon turn to chilled cries of horror.

Carl Pavano may be ready to return to The Bronx.

If this misfortune is due to befall us, it is understandable. The Connecticut Kid's contract is coming off of the books and the Yankees might certainly want to squeeze some "production" out of their prized, walking infirmary. What's more, when your other pitching option is Phil Hughes, the (former?) crown jewel of prospects, it seems logical that Pavano becomes the guy you rush. What does Brian Cashman care if Pavano is not quite "there"? Get on the mound, dipshit.

So, on the ever-more-realistic chance that Carl makes it back to the Bigs (without incident), here are the possible outcomes, as I see them.

Please choose one of the following:

A) Carl Pavano returns and is abysmal; the Yankees miss the playoffs, and Carl rides, ever-so-quietly, into the sunset, never to be heard from again.

B) Carl Pavano returns and is astoundingly good; the Yankees ride to a world championship on Carl's fragile back; Carl is rewarded by Brian Cashman (whose job has been saved) with a new contract and his career is reborn.

C) Carl Pavano returns and removes himself from his first start in the 3rd inning, citing an unspecified "soreness" that no medical test can confirm or locate; Carl is never heard from again.

D) Car Pavano returns and pitches with a Darrell Rasner-esque mediocrity; the Yankees miss the playoffs, but Carl's performance is just passable enough to warrant a $1 million, incentive-laden, 1-year contract from...let's say...the St. Louis Cardinals.

Personally, I'll vote "D," not only because it's baseball economics at its finest, but because Pavano's stealing money from the Yankees for four years and then parlaying that theft into yet another contract feels like the appropriate way for this whole disaster to end.

Thoughts? Alternative (more infuriating) scenarios?
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Optimist? Pessimist? Either Way, You're Wrong

2008-08-14T15:14:00.006-04:00

With the dreadful 3-7 West Coast road trip officially (and unfortunately) in the books, many Yankees fans, Yankees haters, sports writers, and talk show hosts have decided that now is the time to declare the Yankees dead in the water. In fact, in today's New York Post, Peter King has gone so far as to eulogize the Bombers' 2008 campaign.

Okay. Fine. You're more than welcome to dance on the grave of a team that looks more pathetic than it has in recent memory. The road trip was atrocious, and we certainly can't deny that the boys currently deserve a vote of "no confidence"; however, most people are burying the Yankees for silly reasons. Pessimists argue that the Yankees show "no heart," "no desire," "inconsistency," blah, blah, blah.

On the other hand, optimists who are hell-bent on seeing the Yankees make the postseason are equally misguided in their reasoning. Case and point: today I heard a caller to WFAN actually argue that the Yankees will make the playoffs because they have a $200 million payroll. When pressed as to explain how that guaranteed them a berth, the caller argued, "They haven't missed the playoffs in any year that they've had a $200 million payroll!"

Gulp.

Well, I just don't know where I fall in this debate. To say the Yankees are done is premature, but to say they are going to make a run into October seems ignorant. So, to see just how much doo-doo this team has stepped in, I went back and looked at the standings as of August 14th in each year of the Yanks' playoff run. What I found should alarm us all.

8/14/2008: 64-57
AL East: 9 G back of Tampa Bay (3rd Place)
Wild Card: 6 G back of Boston (3rd Place)

8/14/2007: 67-52
AL East: 5 G back of Boston (2nd Place)
Wild Card: 1/2 G back of Seattle (2nd Place)

8/14/2006: 69-46
AL East: 2 G ahead of Boston (1st Place)

8/14/2005: 64-52
AL East: 4 1/2 G back of Boston (2nd Place)
Wild Card: 3 1/2 G back of Oakland (2nd Place)

8/14/2004: 75-41
AL East: 10 1/2 G ahead of Boston (1st Place)

8/14/2003: 72-47
AL East: 3 G ahead of Boston (1st Place)

8/14/2002: 74-44
AL East: 5 G ahead of Boston (1st Place)

8/14/2001: 70-49
AL East: 4 G ahead of Boston (1st Place)

8/14/2000: 64-50
AL East: 4 G ahead of Boston (1st Place)

8/14/1999: 71-44
AL East: 6 1/2 G ahead of Boston (1st Place)

8/14/1998: 89-29 (!)
AL East: 18 1/2 G ahead of Boston (!) (1st Place)

8/14/1997: 71-48
AL East: 4 G behind Baltimore (2nd Place)
Wild Card: 7 G ahead of Texas (1st Place)

8/14/1996: 70-49
AL East: 7 1/2 G ahead of Baltimore (1st Place)

8/14/1995: 51-49
AL East: 10 G behind Boston (2nd Place)
Wild Card: 1 1/2 G behind Texas (tied for 2nd Place)

Remember last season when everyone was proclaiming that the Yankees were done in early July? It looked pretty bleak, but by 8/14/07 the team was essentially tied for the Wild Card lead and charging. Compare that to a 6 game deficit as of today...not good. Also, in 1995 (before the soon-to-be-powerhouse-Yankees was fully in place) the team was only 2 games over .500 but a mere 1 1/2 games out of a Wild Card berth. Compare that, again, to our current situation and that knot in your stomach might just grow a little tighter.

So, what am I saying? In short: in their decade-and-a-half run, the Yankees have never been this far behind this late in the season . Thus, while we certainly can't count them out, the Yankees will literally have to overcome their deepest statistical deficit in order to make the playoffs for a 14th straight year.

We're not giving up here. We're just being realistic.

Oh, and stop citing 1978 as your argument that the team is going to make it. On 8/14/1978 the Yankees were 8 games behind the Red Sox (without the benefit of a Wild Card race) whereas the Bombers find themselves 9 games in back of Tampa Bay today. Moreover, the '78 argument is rendered moot because of the fact that the reason people still talk about 1978 is because it was a once-in-a-freaking-lifetime anomaly.
_

An Analogy

2008-08-11T22:51:00.004-04:00

I remember when I used to take multiple choice tests in high school. Occasionally, you'd get a stretch of consecutive questions that all, apparently, had the same answer (let's say, for the sake of this example, "C").

Even though you might have been feeling confident with your answers, when you got to, about, the fourth question in a row with an answer of "C," you'd begin thinking to yourself, "One of these must be wrong. The teacher wouldn't put four "C's" in a row. That's just not logical."

So, inevitably, you'd psych yourself out and change an answer to (let's say) "D," because you had suddenly decided to play a one-sided, psychological chess match with your teacher; a teacher who probably hadn't even realized that he had crafted four questions in a row with an answer of "C."

When you got the test back a few days later, that one answer you had changed to "D" was, of course, wrong, and lo and behold, all four answers were, in fact, "C." You'd then curse yourself, swearing to never again go against your instinct.

By sitting Johnny Damon tonight against the Twins in favor of Justin Christian (hitting leadoff, no less) -- the same Johnny Damon that is 13-32 (.406) on a road trip that has seen your team lose 5 of 7 games and fall four back of the Wild Card lead -- Joe Girardi has essentially changed his answer from "C" to "D."

After watching the Yankees get shut-out tonight and fall to defeat for the fourth consecutive time, it's fair to say that the skipper probably wants that decision back.

I learned to stop overthinking in high school, Joe. How 'bout you?
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When John Sterling Thinks You Suck, You Must Really Suck

2008-08-11T20:39:00.005-04:00

The Yankees are spiraling out of control, and you need not actually watch a game to understand that this is true. All you need to do is listen.

Normally, on the radio side of things, John Sterling views the Yanks with the proverbial rose-colored glasses. When things go well, it's due to the perfection of the pinstripes; when things go awry, well, "you just can't figure this game out." On the flipside (the TV side), Michael Kay likes to avoid any genuine criticism of the Bombers for fear of offending sensitive YES Network ears (i.e., the suits that sign his checks).

To listen to both of these yakkers in the last two days is to listen to two "glass half-full" voices that are ready to simply smash said glass against the floor.

Yesterday, in the midst of what would become yet another crushing loss, Sterling took the Yankees to task for repeatedly failing to get runners in from third with less than two outs. With no clever homerun calls on the horizon, and seemingly at his wit's end, The Voice literally counted-up the missed opportunities, conjecturing that, had the Yankees shown any ability with RISP throughout the year, the team would not only be winning this game, but would be atop their division. Tough talk from a dude that spends 75% of his air time repeating the word "amazing."

Meanwhile, Michael Kay, during tonight's Yanks/Twins game, became nearly apoplectic as the boys (yet again) failed to drive-in a runner from third (this time with no one out). "Un-be-lievable" enunciated Kay as Melky Cabrera grounded into a routine double play to end the inning. He then spent the better part of the next half-inning theorizing on just how an entire lineup could fail so miserably, so often, in trying to complete a simple task.

While these examples may not seem earth-shatteringly critical, the simple fact that they were uttered at all (by these two, no less) is proof positive that the organization is in full-fledged panic mode. And, really, who can blame them?
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Ian Kennedy Never Met An Inning In Which He Couldn't Get Pulled

2008-08-08T23:25:00.005-04:00

About halfway between Scranton-Wilkes Barre, PA and The Bronx, NY, can be found West Milford, NJ. This is where Ian Kennedy should make his home...maybe even start his own minor league franchise.

You see, Mr. Kennedy has all the makings of a AAAA pitcher; better than the best minor leaguers, but worse than the worst Major Leaguers. While he looks good in Pennsylvania, under the bright lights of the Big Time he is a lost little boy.

In the minors, Ian has posted a lovely career ERA of 2.01 and an even lovelier WHIP 0.95. He has struck out 214 men in just under 204 innings, given up only 9 homeruns, and yielded only 127 hits.

In the Majors, the same sad clown has pitched to the tune of a 5.56 ERA and a 1.55 WHIP. In just under 60 innings he has surrendered 6 homeruns and struck out 41 men. Mind you, this does not even take into account his "triumphant return" against the Angels of 2+ innings, 9 hits, and 5 ER.

To make matters worse? Kennedy is a bonafied bullpen assassin, as he has averaged a whopping 4 innings in 10 Major League starts this year.

It would be logical to cry "sample size" and reason that the kid just needs time and warrants patience. All true; however, aside from the stats, it's the body language that scares me.

Is this the kind of look that sends chills down the spine of opponents? And, consider, it is a look repeated inning after inning, hanging-changeup after hanging-changeup.

Good luck, Ian. You're gonna need it.

UPDATE (8/9): A day after his disastrous turn, Kennedy is catching heat for remarking after the game that he was "not too upset" about getting shelled. This particular comment doesn't bother me; however, it's another (less publicized) reflection that makes me chuckle. After the game Kennedy also commented: "It's my first bad outing in a long time, since the All-Star Break." Son, in case you didn't notice, your ass was in Wilkes-Barre during the All-Star Break, and those great starts you remember so fondly? All in the minors.
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Let's Play "Name That Headline"!

2008-08-03T21:46:00.003-04:00

With Xavier Nady propelling the Yankees to a 14-9, "come-from-behind" (x 2) victory over the Angels today (four hits, 6 RBI), I think today is the perfect day to play a round of "Name That Headline". Your goal: correctly guess the wordplay / pun / rhyme that will grace the back cover of at least one of the major New York tabloids tomorrow.

I'll give it a go!

"X Man"
"X Marks The Spot"
"X Factor"
"Xavier The Savior"
"Thanks, We Nady'd That"
"Astros Sweep Mets"
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Riddle Me This

2008-08-01T21:37:00.005-04:00

I wrote the other day of Mariano Rivera's bizarre tendency to spit the bit in non-save situations. It happened to be an evening on which he allowed a homerun in "garbage time" against the Baltimore Orioles. The homerun ended up being the difference, after a 9th inning rally by the Yankees came up one run short.

It has happened again tonight, but this time the pill is even more bitter. Once again, Rivera coughed-up a game; this time to the Anaheim Angels; this time in what was a 0-0 game.

My frustration over this strange tendency of The Sandman's should not confused with WFAN - esque overreaction. I'm not saying that Rivera is "losing it," or that he's not still a dominant pitcher. What I am saying, though, is that his "Save" situation vs. "Non-Save" situation splits are ridiculous and warrant heavy, heavy scrutiny. Observe:

Save Situations (2008):
Games: 26
Saves: 26
Innings: 27.1
Earned Runs: 1 (!)
ERA: 0.33 (!)
WHIP: 0.52 (!)
Homeruns: 0
Strikeouts: 33

Non-Save Situations (2008)
Games: 18
Innings: 21
Earned Runs: 7
ERA: 3.43
WHIP: 1.00
Homeruns: 3
Strikeouts: 25

Taken alone, the "Non-Save" splits are fine (probably better than a large percentage of closers); however, compared to the "Save" splits, it is obvious that Rivera is simply a different pitcher this year when the situation is not, shall we say, dire. His "Non-Save" ERA is 10 x higher than his "Save" ERA (which is, admittedly, inhuman), his WHIP doubles when he's not protecting a lead, he shows a proclivity for the long ball, and his strikeout ratio suffers.

After Mo gave up the winning run tonight, Michael Kay wondered aloud if the "adrenaline rush" is just not the same for Rivera in non-save situations. This is lunacy on two fronts: 1) In a 0-0 game in the 9th inning, against the best team in baseball, on a night when you find yourself 1.5 games back of a Wild Card birth and 4.5 games out of your division, to say that Rivera lacked adrenaline is just plain lazy analysis; 2) Mariano Rivera is in the first year of a contract that will pay him $45,000,000. Is it really that hard to pump it up?

To place the blame on Rivera for a loss like this is unfair -- the team had five hits and looked uninspired on all offensive fronts -- but it's time to wonder aloud why our Hall-of-Fame-closer can't handle a tie game. Is it an anomoly, or is there an answer?
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The Madman: Yankees, Why Do You Tease Me?

2008-07-29T21:28:00.005-04:00

There is no better time than following a torrid winning streak to complain about the team that you love.

I realize now how unfortunate it is that we did not post much of anything over the course of eight wonderful days for the Yankees. We saw lots of wins, resulting in a legitimate division-lead push, a fantastic (if mildly overrated) trade, and a series win in Fenway. If only we had decided to chime in then, and talk about how proud we were of this team.

But, alas, The Madman has returned to spew his bile in the midst of a logic-defying losing streak; a losing streak that has brought back to light all of the Yankees' shortcomings: a lack of dependable starting pitching, a "light switch" offense that rises and falls like an ocean tide (ooh, figurative language!), and a frustrating tendency to play down to the level of the competition.

Things, in no particular order, that have caused me to pout:

It's my own fault that I continue to listen to sports talk radio, but I can't believe how many "fans" call-in to complain that Alex Rodriguez and Richie Sexson are problems for this team. Does anybody watch the games? A-Rod continues to produce and produce and produce. Richie Sexson continues to sit on the bench, the bench, the bench and (when on the field) play firstbase at a higher level than Giambi and Betemit put together. Please direct your frustrations at legitimate concerns, like...

Melky Cabrera. Everybody makes a big deal about the injuries the Yankees have suffered this year, but I maintain that it's the injuries that haven't befallen us that are holding us back. Why can't Melky and his .652 OPS (2nd worst amongst starters), his 127 Total Bases (worst amongst starters), and his 28 Walks (worst amongst starters) pull a hamstring once in a while?

Robinson Cano. Thanks, Robbie, for remembering that you play professional baseball! If I hear one more person talk about the "cold weather" hampering Cano's swing I'm going to impale him or her with a piece of shattered, maple bat. A really hot July and August does not negate three months of shit. The man makes millions to hit the ball and (occasionally) field it. Learn to do both of those things - you know - the whole fucking year.

Darrel Rasner. Will someone please put this kid out of his misery? Pitching to a 1.80 ERA in May, Rasner ballooned to a 6.47 in June and, fortunately, has trimmed that ERA down to a healthy 6.32 in July. I know ERA doesn't tell you everything you need to know about a pitcher, but in Rasner's case, it does. He stinks. A lot. And yet, the brass seems to believe that he'll return to form. What they don't realize is that Darrell is in form. This is him. And that's a problem.

Derek Jeter. I could talk about The Captain's subpar year, but that doesn't really get to me. In the end, his numbers will be fine. He's actually on pace to strike out less than he has in the last five years; however, my complaint revolves around one statistic in particular: double plays. Derek has grounded into 16 of these bad boys so far in 2008, leading the team. In the last week alone, I've seen him hit into three, each time with a runner in scoring position. This type of inning-killing, out-creating must stop in order for the Yankees to succeed.

Jorge Posada. Damn you, sir, and your shoulder muscle tear. What frustrates me about Posada, besides the massive contract that looks like it will serve as a pre-pension pension by the time these four years are up, is the diva-like attitude that Jorge adopted, all the while knowing that his shoulder was shot. He complained about not wanting to play first; that he was a catcher and wanted to catch (goddamit!); that it was unfair to say he could no longer make the throw to second. A week later, he's riding the pine and deciding when (not if) to have his surgery. Thanks for holding us up for a good two months, Jorge. Much obliged.

Mariano Rivera: I know. Blasphemy. But, seriously, Mo, is the excitement of a save opportunity the only thing that gets you going? Rivera has given up runs in only seven (!) appearances this year, yet six (!) of those appearances have been non-save situations (with the Yankees either tied or trailing). The most recent example has occurred as I type this very complaint, as Mo has given up a "garbage time" homerun against the Orioles that has ended up being the game loser, as the Yankees have executed one of their patented "Holy-Shit-It's-The-9th-Inning-Let's- Take-Our-At-Bats-Seriously" comebacks. Michael Kay likes to insist that Rivera is having his best year ever. Trust me...he's not.

Xavier Nady / Damaso Marte. They really haven't done anything badly. But they will! Oh, yes, they will.

And The Madman will be watching.
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Seriously, Dude? Come On. Seriously?

2008-07-21T22:51:00.007-04:00

Let's use our imaginations for a second.

You're Alex Rodriguez.

With a runner on first in the 9th inning of a tight game -- a game that, if won, will give your team a sweep of the Wild Card-contending Oakland A's -- you are heads-up enough to back-up Derek Jeter on an errant throw from Bobby Abreu after the aforementioned right fielder has already dropped a routine fly ball. In backing-up the shortstop, you are able to flip the ball back to Jeter and force out the runner (who had initially retreated to first base, thinking the ball would be caught). For all intents and purposes, by being alert and defensively intelligent, you have saved the game and contributed to pulling your team back into striking distance of the division lead.

You wake up this morning and pick up the NY Daily News, fully expecting to find out that you're still banging Madonna, but believing that you will be celebrated for your "heads-upness."

Instead, you read this, by Mark Lelinwalla:

"Alex Rodriguez did his best Derek Jeter impersonation Sunday with a flip play to help the Yankees beat the Oakland A's.

Of course, Jeter's came in a playoff game while A-Rod helped seal an otherwise routine July triumph."

You close the paper and stick another pin in your Derek Jeter voodoo doll, realizing that no matter what you do on the field, it will never, ever, be good enough. For anyone.
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YES Network Needs To Get Laid, Apparently

2008-07-18T20:50:00.006-04:00

The pseudo-second half of the 2008 season began tonight with the Yankees taking on the Oakland Athletics and the YES Network was hot to trot.

First, we at Piss and Wynegar salute the network for beating us to the punch when it comes to making childish puns related to Richie Sexson. Before the game even began, the stats of the Yanks' new part-time first baseman (I'll take credit, by the way) were presented with the header, "Sexson and The City." Nice job, YES. The play on words was topical and, most importantly, conjured images of entitled, stuffy white women drinking cosmopolitans to fill the oversexed voids in their lives. Now that's baseball. Nothing gets me ready to watch a ballgame like the thought of Kim Catrall's vagina. Nothing.

Second, I must admit a new appreciation for David "Capt. Obvious" Cone after he shared a questionable on-air anecdote about his early days in the minors. Seems that one small town organization used to run a "25 Cent Beer" gimmick every Wednesday night. Cone, with great pride, recalled that the team owner would allow the players -- with a win -- to stay late and "finish off the kegs." What's more, Cone also gleefully recalled that the young, college-aged "usherettes" employed at the stadium would also be permitted to partake of the libation.

After Cone finished his tale of drunken debauchery, Ken Singleton could only muster an uncomfortable, muffled chuckle.

Nothin' like good ol' sports broadcasting. Fun for the whole family!
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Tsk, Tsk, Tsk, Jonathan

2008-07-15T16:24:00.005-04:00

Jonathan Papelbon, you just don't get it do you?

When asked, during his All-Star press conference, whether he or Mariano Rivera should get the nod to close out the ninth:

"If I was managing the team, I would close. I'm not managing the team, so it don't matter. [Mariano Rivera and I have] both earned that right; us, by winning the World Series and having the opportunity of having our manager there and our team being represented, and Mariano by what he's done for this role, we're in Yankee Stadium and blah, blah, blah. It's not that easy. Everybody thinks it's a cut and dry answer, but it's not."

Oh...my...lord.

I could embark on a rant about Papelbon's arrogance and ignorance, but I'll refrain. I'll let his own remarks speak for themselves, because eventually it is his remarks that will make him one of the most reviled players in the game.

Good luck tonight, Paps.

UPDATE: Jonathan appeared in the 8th inning and was absolutely pummeled by the Yankee Stadium crowd. Chants of "Mariano!" and "Overrated!" echoed through The House and -- whaddyaknow? -- Papelbon surrendered the go-ahead run. Ah, satisfaction.

Buck and McCarver were, shockingly, indignant about the reaction that Paps' comments received from the media and the crowd, insisting that the closer is immensely respectful of Mariano Rivera. (He's not.)

McCarver "highlight": During the "Overrated!" chant, Papelbon struck out Dan Uggla, prompting the drawler to snidely remark, "To those who think he's overrated, Papelbon says, 'Grab a bat.'" Wait, you mean Jonathan Papelbon would actually strike out Vinny from Brooklyn if they were to face off? Daring prognostication, Tim. You're right. I have vastly underestimated this young whippersnapper of a closer.
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To The Contrary, Sign Sexson

2008-07-14T16:05:00.009-04:00

Many, many, many Yankees fans and bloggers (and media personalities, and scouts, and omnipresent "sources") have railed against the idea of bringing Richie Sexson to The Bronx for the remainder of the season. No one wants anything to do with this "loser" for whom "the Yankees have no need," to borrow a couple of remarks from other commentaries.

However, if I may be so bold (and I may cuz it's my site), this is actually shortsighted resignation on the part of the fans. Let me explain:

First of all, Sexson will play for the league minimum wherever he lands, as Seattle is still on the hook for the remainder of his $15,500,000 salary in 2008 (gulp).

Secondly, to say that the Yankees have no need for a right-handed bat is lunacy. All of their power, with the exception of A-Rod, comes from the left side. Furthermore, at this point, two of those left-handed hitters are on the shelf (Matsui and Damon). Tell me, are you truly comfortable with the menacing presence of Jose Molina, Wilson Betemit, righty-Melky, and an occasional appearance by Justin "God-Fearing" Christian?

No, neither am I. So, please don't tell me that Sexson has no roll. He's an acutal first baseman, with a career Fielding % of .994 (which is more than can be said for Betemit, Jorge Posada, and -- let's face it -- Jason Giambi), and he's a right-handed hitter who, when he connects, hits the ball a long friggin' way. All of these things are currently lacking in Yankees Universe.

And lastly -- and here's where I blow your mind -- for all of Sexson's shittiness this year, he's been insanely good against left-handed pitching. Please observe:

vs. Lefties (in 61 AB): .344 BA / .423 OBP / .623 SLG / 1.046 OPS

Yowzas! Not bad for a dude who just got cut by one of the worst teams in baseball.

Of course, against righties, Sexson is atrocious (.178 / .281 / .304 / .585), but the point here is that the Yankees won't ever, ever, ever need to use him against right-handed pitching! He will play solely against lefties and leave the righties to face the overstocked, lefty-hitting 1B contingent. And, his role as glorified bench player will be made completely palatable by the fact the Mariners are picking up the tab.

So, bring on Richie Sexson for all the reasons stated above.

Those, and the fact that he's got "Sex" in his name, making our job as bloggers much, much easier.
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Idiocy Led To Four Championships

2008-07-13T08:44:00.003-04:00

It's time for some anecdotal fun! This little piece of eye-popping information comes directly from the mouth of Bob Watson, the former Yankees General Manager and the man responsible for hiring Joe Torre in the winter of 1995; a move that ushered in the "dynasty era" that spoiled all of us to death.

I happened to catch a WFAN interview with Mr. Watson, who was attending the All-Star FanFest in NYC. One of the questions posed to him was, "What made you hire Joe Torre?" A good question, especially considering the fact that Torre's managerial career to that point had not been very illustrious (the NY Daily News front page headline on the day of the signing was, "CLUELESS JOE").

So, was it Torre's calm, professional presence that made Watson hire him? His baseball acumen? His ability to "diffuse controversy," or his penchant for green tea?

"He was my idol," responded Bob Watson, then-GM of the richest franchise in all of sport.

He hired Joe Torre because he "idolized" him as a player.

Holy shit.

Does anyone else find this unnerving? Don't you think that there should be a few more...I don't know...qualifications involved in picking your manager?! Until now I have romanticized the early-to-mid-90's period in Yankees' administrative history. I have always imagined Gene Michael, Showalter, and Watson (not Steinbrenner...not him) concocting a masterful plan for world domination, then putting that plan in motion by destroying one of its creators (Buck) and hiring Torre.

Now I realize, had the cards fallen a little differently, a guy like Joe Pepitone could have been the successor to Buck Showalter. No wonder everything is so difficult for this team now. We're finally paying back the karma loan.
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RIP, Bobby

2008-07-12T19:03:00.003-04:00

Very sad to hear about the passing of Bobby Murcer. I won't turn this into a long-winded eulogy, especially considering not many people will come across this post, but I just thought a few words were in order.

Bobby Murcer seemed like a genuinely good guy. In a broadcasting world where dull, saccharine analysis is the norm, Murcer gave a game life. His observations were enthusiastic, spontaneous, and even comically bizarre (I believed for years that Bobby had taken a few nips of the flask before stepping into the booth). He always carried a childlike quality that reminded us that this was only a game; a wonderfully exciting and special game.

The reaction of those who knew him to the news only furthers the widely held belief that Murcer was the real deal. I watched (and listened) today as both Joe Girardi and radio voice John Sterling wept openly after being told of his passing. While many thoughtful memories have been and will be shared, hearing these voices crack left me believing in the goodness of Bobby.

And, while I never watched him play (or, at least, can't remember watching him play) I still get emotional watching a replay of Murcer slash that game-winning single against the Orioles on the day that his best friend, Thurman Munson, was laid to rest.
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A Modest Proposal

2008-07-07T12:58:00.007-04:00

YES network execs, are you listening? You've already taken one shot at reality TV with The Ultimate Roadtrip...and I think we can all say that was a rousing success, right? Right? Anyone? No? OK.

But the time is ripe for what may be the greatest reality show of all time. I present you with...

Lucky Thirteen: The A-Rod Dating Show!!!

Thirteen women compete for the heart of baseball's greatest player.

Now hear me out. Really, we've all had our fill of Michael Kay and there's only so many times you can re-run the Snoop Dog episode of Centerstage so let's strike while the iron is hot and get this done.

First off, we all know this Madonna thing will be over in a hurry and that leaves Alex to his own devices in the middle of NYC. A show like this allows the greater Yankees empire more say in who A-Rod decides to distract himself with next.

A-Rod's breakup with his wife isn't the only impending split that fits perfectly into this plan: with the inevitable breakup of Mike and the Mad Dog, you have the absolute perfect reality show host available now in one Christopher Russo. The hyperbole, the screaming, the speech impediment, and the fact that he will absolutely reek of desperation after being let go by WFAN makes this a perfect storm of Howie Mandel meets Tom Bergeron proportions.

"OH! THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE, ALEX! IT'S A DISGRACE! YOU KISS HER IN A HOT-TUB ONE MINUTE AND THEN SEND HER FANNY HOME THE NEXT? ABSOLUTE DISGRACE...say somethin' funny, Bob Sheppard."

"Number 6, you have been ejected from Lucky Thirteen. And now let's welcome Ronan Tynan...as he sings...Happy Trails...to You. Number 6."

On the other end, contestants who successfully make it through to the next round (we'll call them innings...it's fun!) get a celebratory bump dance from Robinson Cano and Melky Cabrera.

I haven't worked out the other details yet, except that each time someone makes it through to the next inning they have to get one of those classic A-Rod sound bite speeches. Something like: "Hey, y'know...you put yourself in a situation where you could succeed and...I guess it worked out for you this time." Of course this would be counter-balanced with the rejection speech of "Well, you put maximum effort out there, but unfortunately things just didn't work out the way you wanted them to. Just go home tonight, forget about it, and go back out there tomorrow, I guess."

YES execs, get in touch. We'll work it out. Email address is over there on the right.
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I'm Writing A New Musical!

2008-07-06T21:56:00.006-04:00

I hate Kevin Youkilis. Hate him. Sure, most Yankees fans say they hate Manny, or David Ortiz, but that's because they continuously beat our brains in on the field. I hate Youkilis because of what he clearly is as a human being: a petulant man-child.

My distaste for "Youk" began when he grew that goddamn goatee a couple of years back. It smelled of over-compensation; a theory that I began to believe in even more as the goatee grew longer and thicker with each passing series. Granted, this dislike was uncalled for, but it became warranted in August, 2007, when Youkilis, after Joba Chamberlain threw behind him on 2 consecutive pitches, turned to the homeplate umpire and could clearly be seen yelping, "Throw him out!" That's right, as opposed to charging the mound, or merely pointing his bat toward the pitcher and mouthing-off, He of the Facial Thicket hid behind the chest protector of an umpire, like a 7-year old little boy.

During tonight's game I was reminded of that pathetic display when Chamberlain again threw behind Youkilis (only this time it was one pitch, and it was behind the knees). Once again, Youk looked to the umpire for help, and when he didn't receive it he literally waited until the inning was over and complained to the ump again, in plain sight of camera and crowd.

Consider, too, that, earlier this season, Manny "Where Am I?" Ramirez called Youkilis out for having hissy fits, and you've got yourself a surefire asshole.

That's why I have decided to pen a new musical based on the life of one Kevin Youkilis. Behold:

"The Whiniest Bitch," a new musical by Pasqua.

Featuring such songs as:

"The Bad Man Threw Behind Me"
"I Wanna Play First Base (I Wanna!)"
"Lost in Your Goatee"
"Ball 4 is Job 1"
"Walk Like A Man, Even When You're Not"
"I'm An All-Star and You're Not"

and

"I Don't Know Much, But I Know You're A Douchebag" (a duet with Manny Ramirez)

I really think this show has potential. Feel free to contribute any additional song ideas.

P.S. I'm also penning a tune based on Joe Girardi. The working title: "I'm Wound Tighter Than My Offense"
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Yanks Beat Boston; Yanks' Fans Commence Picking Up Televisions From Living Room Floor

2008-07-05T19:07:00.006-04:00

So, in the end, Mariano Rivera did not complete the turn to the Dark Side by single-handedly handing the Red Sox a victory; however, there are, we're sure, many a moccasin planted firmly in the center of countless plasma televisions this evening thanks to one Tim McCarver.

As the Yankees reached critical mass in the ninth inning, following the second hit-batsman of the frame (the seventh of the game [!]), McCarver, in his infinite hyperbolic, down home wisdom, uttered the following (it's more effective if you imagine that slow, Southernish drawl that gets more pronounced as McCarver's analysis becomes more inept): "If the Yankees lose this game, against this team, in this situation, with Mariano Rivera on the mound, it could have a crippling effect on the Yankees' season."

Really, Tim? A crippling effect? Would the Yankees be so crippled so as to fail to take the field for the remaining 70 games? Should Joe Girardi have waved the white flag? Should the team have come to the park tomorrow wearing Tampa Bay Rays hats (seriously, that would be better than the "patriotic" motif being sported for a second consecutive day).

I try not to get too caught-up in the "biased announcer" bit (instilled in me by my father, who convinced me in 1986 that Vin Scully hates all New Yorkers), but this remark was simply the icing on the proverbial cake for the day. Joe Buck and good ol' Timmy practically wet themselves over the idea of the Yankees losing the game. Now, I get the hard network sell -- they want to keep their viewers -- but when the hard sell in the ninth is compounded by three-and-a-half hours of pom-pom waving for Boston (Dustin Pedroia...what a gamer! What facial hair!) it was nearly enough to send me over the edge despite my new and improved relaxed approach to game watching.

Need more proof? How about the enlightening discussion of the ocean-like depth of the Sawx farm system compared to the overhyped Yankees'. When speaking of Clay Buckholtz (over a 5.00 ERA in the Bigs this year, and nearly two months on the shelf, by the way), Joe Buck exclaimed: "The Yankees would kill to have someone like that waiting in the wings!" as if Joba Chamerblain and Phil Hughes are fetching cars in the parking lot.

Look, I understand that the Yankees have been in the limelight for over 12 years now and there's a lot of baseball fans who are sick of them. I, for one, was ecstatic when the Braves started missing the playoffs if only because I was tired of watching them lose in the first round every goddamn year; however, Buck and McCarver should probably keep in mind that a majority of their audience is coming directly from the New York market...fans in Boise, Idaho can probably afford to miss the game. So, watch your mouths, boys. This is the stuff that comes back to bite you in your Yankee-hating asses.
_

Yanks Sign Pitcher Milton Bradley Thinks is Unstable; Threat Level in Scranton Raised to Orange

2008-06-19T23:02:00.004-04:00

Really?

What? Was Tanyon Sturtze unavailable?

Oh...he was? Really? Huh...imagine that.

Anyway, we're not the first to discuss the Yanks' signing of Sir Sidney Ponson...we don't disagree with anything that has been written already. I mean is there anyone out there who wants this guy on their team?

There is?

Really?

Did he just have nothing else to write about? (Note to Jose de Jesus Ortiz: 1) you have a crazy awesome name and 2) blogging is like pooping...don't force it.)

So it looks like we're in for Sid the sequel against the Mets, which I'm actually OK with. As a Yankee fan since the mid-80s I've always rooted for Willie Randolph - and I am convinced that there is no other pitcher out there who has that perfect combination of mental instability and complete lack of control to make a right-next-to-the-third-base-dugout-beaning of Omar Minaya seem completely accidental.

My only real thought is this: pray for Dan Giese. Please. If we ever have to turn to Sidney Ponson for anything, anything at all, then we're in a whole bunch o' trouble. If we can squeeze innings out of Giese now and then, he'll be just like Joba...and then we'll just need Joba to throw 6 or 7 like Moose...and then Moose to throw 7 or 8 like Wang and we're fine!

Right?

Damn. I'll stop forcing it now.

The last thing I need is fissures.
_

Fix My Wang

2008-06-17T20:29:00.005-04:00

When a team messes up an administrative decision as badly as the boys in Queens, I suppose a freak foot injury doesn't look so horrible...for the moment.

Today, the Bergen Record began speculating as to possible replacements for the newly-booted Chien-Ming Wang. Either they weren't very creative, or the market on acquirable starting pitchers is in the toilet.

The Record listed these possibilities:
1. C.C. Sabathia
2. Ben Sheets
3. A.J. Burnett
4. Randy Wolf
5. Freddy Garcia

While Garcia remains a free agent (and continues to rehab from shoulder surgery), the other four guys would have to be acquired in a trade, and certainly the acquisition of Sabathia, Sheets, or Burnett would necessitate the jettisoning of several prospects and (in Sabathia's case, at least) cost a crapload of money.

But, besides the cost, one thing strikes me as odd about this "first-choice" list: these guys get hurt...a lot.

In fact, a quick glance at career numbers reveals that the team of Sheets/Burnett/Wolf/Garcia has been DL'd a total of 16 times in the last 4 years. If you factor in Sabathia, whose fat ass is actually the healthiest of the bunch, that number rises to 18 DL stints since 2004.

So, if one of these boys does find his way to the Bronx, not only will the Yankees likely have had to overpay to fill the void left by "Mr. Glass," the likelihood is that the new guy will join Wang on the shelf at some point in the year.

Silly me, I always thought the idea was that the pitcher you trade for in desperation should actually...you know...pitch.
_

This Just In: Pitchers Aren't Athletes

2008-06-15T21:31:00.005-04:00

For the longest time I had trouble rectifying the fact that pitchers are terrible hitters. "Why can't they hit?" I would quietly mouth to no one, as I watched yet another hurler swing wildly (and unattractively) at three consecutive fastballs. "What's the deal?" I would mutter, as a National League pitcher grounded meekly to the shortstop, soon to be thrown out by 75 feet.

After a time, I finally came to terms with the idea that a pitcher's job is so refined, so particular, and so (dare I say?) artistic, that they just can't be expected to dedicate any time to their hitting skills. Why work in the cage when you could be developing a sinker? Why risk diving into a pitch when you could be going over scouting reports? Sure, once in a while a pitcher actually shows some ability at the plate, but the Dontrelle Willis's (and we all know how well things have worked out for Dontrelle...) and Micah Owings' of the world are the noteworthy exceptions to a rule seeped in traditions of offensive embarrassment.

Today, however, my frustration regarding pitchers and offense was rekindled by one Chien-Ming Wang. During the game, after Wang reached on a fielder's choice with 2-out, John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman mentioned the fact that the Yankees must be uncomfortable with Wang on the basepaths, fearing for his health. "Come on!" I thought, "Honestly, can we give pitchers some credit for their abilities? All he has to do is run...maybe."

And then, Chien-Ming rounded third on a Derek Jeter single. Upon hitting the bag he sprained his right foot / broke his right foot / tore muscles in his right foot / watched as his right foot detached from his body (details are sketchy).

Wang had to be helped back to the dugout, and was seen leaving the stadium on crutches and in a soft cast.

Because he ran the bases.

He ran 180 feet. Once. And he may be lost for the season.

I feel like a recovering addict that has fallen off the wagon. It took me years to understand why pitchers are terrible hitters, and now, my mind is awash in new frustration.

Pitchers can't even run.

They can't even fucking run!
_

Reflecting On "The Start"

2008-06-05T22:33:00.004-04:00

Not to be one of those "told ya' so" type of dudes, but...I told ya' so.

Joba's 2 1/3 inning "start" on Tuesday night was strange and sad on many levels. I have thought long and hard about how to address it; how to capture the essence of the evening, especially as Chamberlain labored through 37 1st inning pitches. What were the sights, sounds, tastes, and smells that defined the moment? This is what I've come up with:

Do you remember that old Saturday Night Live sketch in which Jason Priestley plays a figure skater who has worked all his life to make it to the Olympics and his moment has finally arrived? And he steps onto the ice, with his mother, who we are told drove him each early morning to the ice rink several hours from their home, watching nervously from the stands? And on the first leap of his program he falls on his face, illiciting a pained "Oh!" from the commentators (Phil Hartman and Dana Carvey) as they realize the dream is over for this young man? But he gets up, continues to skate, and proceeds to fall every 3-4 seconds until we finally see his lifeless, motionless body sliding across the ice as the announcers begin promoting the events we'll see later in the the night?

That's kind of what I was thinking about as I watched Joba pitch.
_

Recipe For a .500 Team

2008-06-02T22:04:00.005-04:00

Tonight's ridiculous loss to the Minnesota Twins encapsulated everything that is pathetic about the 2008 version of the New York Yankees. Everyone keeps waiting for "the turnaround," but for every couple of wins will come a couple of losses, in quick succession. That said, let's take the events of tonight's game and apply it to the season as a whole; a season that looks like it is headed down a dark (i.e. postseason-less) road. Here's the must-have list when putting together a .500 year:

1. Get Lots of Hits, But Don't Bother Scoring: The Yankees had 15 hits tonight and 5 runs. That's an infuriating ratio...unless, of course, you love singles. Somehow, the Yankees continue to put men on in every possible combination and still find ways to leave them stranded. In an effort to speed up play, I recommend that, from now on, the Yankees simply put two guys on base at the start of each offensive inning, tell the scoreboard guy to add two hits to their total, and then proceed to make three consecutive outs. It's quicker, more efficient baseball.

2. Make Sure Kyle Farnsworth Gets The Ball In Tight Situations: Can Joba start and relieve? For all the talk of Farnsworth's newfound confidence, he sure still does love to cough up runs in big spots! Homeruns, doubles, untimely walks...Kyle can deliver in any one of many heartbreaking fashions. Seeing him return to the set-up roll is like having an old friend move back into the neighborhood...only now he's an alcoholic, and he keeps coming over to use your bathroom because his is "broken," and then, after he leaves, your wallet's missing, and your wife doesn't want you to let him come over anymore, but you insist that ol' Farnsey really is a "good dude" and is just going through a rough time, and then, one night, he shoots your dog and says that he mistook it for Big Foot.

3. Remember That Leads Are Finite, and Do Not Have To Be Held: Thanks, Andy Pettitte. Your formerly-hormoned ass continues to handle leads about as well as your fragile psyche is handling the Roger Clemens fiasco. Jesus Christ, man! (No, Andy...over here. JC isn't around. It's just you and me.) Three leads blown tonight, and two of them of more than one run. Brilliant, gritty, battle-tested performance there, sir. I salute you. Unfortunately, Chien-Ming Wang and Mike Mussina seem to be following your lead. Aside: Can someone tell them I wasn't being serious, please?

4. Make Sure Your Best Hitters Develop Weird, Unhelpful Habits. Hideki Matsui is second in the American League in average and yet pulls off of EVERY GODDAMN pitch he sees. Tonight's beauty came in the ninth inning when, after A-Rod reached to start the inning and immediately began fucking with Joe Nathan's head at first base, Hideki put an end to that ballyhoo by rolling his hands over on an outside pitch and grounding into a double play. Game over. Add to that Robbie Cano's attempted bunt with 2-on and nobody out earlier in the night and you have the makings of complete offensive ineptitude.

5. Put All of Your "Championship Dreams" on the Shoulders of Children: Joba starts Tuesday! Joba starts Tuesday! Joba starts Tuesday! Thank goodness! Finally, our prayers have been answered! What's that? Shelley Duncan has a homerun stroke! Why, even better! More, you say? Scott Patterson's funky delivery "baffles" hitters? When can I order my playoff tickets? And you're telling me that Melky Cabrera's OBP is nearly .300?! Huzzah! The day is ours!
_

Cool Your Joba Jets

2008-05-31T09:52:00.005-04:00

With the announcement that Joba Chamberlain will hit the starting rotation on Tuesday night, everyone ("everyone" being the Yankees beat writers, desperate for something to talk about) is proclaiming the moment to be historical; the beginning of an era.

Please allow me to throw some cold water on this over-hyped fire. Joba Chamberlain is slated to throw 65-70 pitches in his first start. Joe Girardi seems optimistic that this pitch count will enable the big doof to make it through 5 innings. However, a quick glance at Joba's stats for the year reveal a sobering fact: he throws, on average, 4.21 pitches to a batter per at-bat. What does this mean? It means, that Chamberlain should reach his pitch count after facing about 17 men -- not even 2 times through the rotation. So, unless the guy is virtually perfect, we're looking at a very early exit.

A momentous event? More like an early relief appearance.

Enjoy those 3 1/3 innings, everybody!
_

Three In A Row: The Story Behind The Streak

2008-05-23T23:11:00.004-04:00

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

The Yankees awe-inspiring, three-game winning streak is not due to the quality starts of Darrel Rasner, Ian Kennedy, and Andy Pettitte. Nor is the streak attributable to the timely hitting of virtually everyone in the lineup (including a suddenly-awakened Robinson Cano).

What's that? A golden thong? Pish-posh. Child-like superstision.

Ladies and gentleman, the Yankees turnaround is thanks, in full, to Jason Giambi: Gay Porn Star.

Do You Dare To Pump Your Fist At Me, Sir?

2008-05-09T21:10:00.003-04:00

Scandal has rocked Yankeetown yet again, this time following a much-needed victory. Young Joba Chamberlain’s fist has gotten people talking.

Upon seeing Chamberlain’s boisterous reaction to his 8^th inning, two-out strikeout of David Delucci in Wednesday’s matinee (with a three-run lead), I immediately cringed. The kid is a bit of a brat. While energy and enthusiasm is grand (and, one could easily argue, has been missing from this team for several seasons) there comes a point when it starts to look childish.

Joba is reaching that point.

While a small, self-satisfied fist-pump, or slap of the glove, would not raise any eyebrows, the guy celebrated like it was Game 7 of the World Series, or, at the very least, like the situation was pressure-filled. It wasn’t, and the reaction was overblown.

What’s more, when we contrast the "Joba Yell" of yesterday to the reaction following his game-blowing three-run homerun to Delucci on Tuesday night, the childishness becomes more apparent. By now, the moment has been much discussed: Chamberlain, seeming to have suffered a mental break, was filmed pulling the hair out of his head in the dugout following the inning.

Not only is that immature, it’s borderline frightening.

However, it should not go without saying that the Indians (Delucci, in particular) made themselves look pathetic as well, following the game, in response to Joba’s celebration.

First, this nugget from Delucci: “…if a hitter was to do something like that they’d probably say it was bush [league], and you shouldn’t do it…It’s kind of funny how a pitcher can get away with it.”

Ummm, David? Watch much baseball? Hitters don’t get a way with it?! Please refer to Ramirez, Manny; Bonds, Barry; or any other big hitter who likes to watch the ball fly over the fence from the comfort of their batter’s box. Are you seriously that jaded? How many pitchers are notorious for their posturing? Right now, Joba Chamberlain is part of a very small fraternity that includes Carlos Zambrano, and not many dudes wanna be bros with Carlos Zambrano. The number of pompous hitters, though, would take several minutes to list. Spare me your heartache.

Delucci wasn’t done dishing out the truth, however. In comparing his homerun on Tuesday to Chamberlain’s strikeout yesterday, the utility-man bragged, “My homerun was in a much bigger situation, more a key part of the game, and I didn’t dance around and scream.”

Translation: “Neh-neh-neh-neh-neh-nehhhh. My homerun was soooo much better than your strikeout. Your strikeout sucked. My homerun rocked. My homerun was totally more awesome than your stupid strikeout.”

On second thought, I take it back. Joba: pump away. You're no worse than anybody else.

Oh My Goodness Gracious! Happy Anniversary!

2008-05-06T16:24:00.001-04:00

Up Your Butt, Jobu

2008-05-02T18:11:00.004-04:00

In an earlier post I made fun of Kyle Farnsworth for donning glasses in a Ricky Vaughn-like attempt to gain some control of his pitches. Now it looks like I owe Kyle an apology...because, apparently, it wasn't his idea.

That's right, folks, the Yankees have found a way to save the season!

This is spectacular news for all of us Yankee fans because it is a sure fire win. Besides the illustrious Mr. Farnsworth, many have gone on to have dominant careers after adding the fearsome specs. Like this guy. And this guy. And him.

So once Phil returns from his oblique/rib/hamstring/quad/feelings injury expect him to dominate, only to be replaced by an old, religious Southerner (Pettitte) in a one game playoff for the division that will be won on a Jose Molina bunt single.

That's the plan, anyway.

Oh, Bleak!

2008-05-01T17:27:00.003-04:00

So, Phil Hughes is hurt now? How intriguing.

Look, I’m no conspiracy theorist, but something is rotten in the state of Yank-mark (“Dropped Shakespeare on your ass” tag!). While the likelihood that Hughes is injured is certainly high, the timing of the injury is suspect. Let’s consider the facts: the kid’s been jostled around in virtually every start, the boo-birds have begun chirping, he’s clearly lost faith in his stuff and, following his worst start as a Big Leaguer on Tuesday night, the rumblings of a demotion were hot and heavy. It is interesting, then, that the Yankees – in the middle of the game last night – announced that the 21-year-old phenom was headed to the DL with a right oblique strain.

Already, we are hearing about how long these strains can take to heal, and Brian Cashman has uttered the infamous phrase “no timetable” in regard to Hughes’ return. None of this bodes well for the young man. Remember, Phil suffered his first injury, a hamstring pull, on May 1, 2007 (hey – weird!) and didn’t return to the mound until August 4. So, it took three months to heal the hammy. Is there any reason to believe that the oblique won’t keep him out for at least a month?

What I’m suggesting, ever-so-suspiciously, is that this injury is a very nice way to get the heat off of Phil Hughes for a while, without forcing him to endure the humiliation and fallout of being demoted Triple A. He can step away now, take it easy for a time, regroup mentally, and (ideally) regain his command. What’s more, he’ll return to Triple A anyway, only under the guise of a “rehab assignment,” so the Yanks themselves can even escape the stigma of having to ship him down.

On the flipside, if he is truly injured, then I am concerned about his durability. In essence, Phil Hughes has 3 months of Major League experience and he has already been shelved twice with muscle pulls. That’s not a good sign.

So, pick your poison: Phil Hughes the Psychologically Defeated, or, Phil Hughes the Injury-Prone?

And, for what it’s worth (which is really just my own self-satisfaction), it took NY Daily News beat writer Anthony McCarron only six paragraphs to remind us: “The Yankees passed on a blockbuster winter trade that would have sent Hughes to the Twins as part of a package for ace Johan Santana and the Bombers hoped their young pitchers would blossom.”

Ah, the sweet smell of second-guessing. Run, Phil! Run for the hills!

Michael Kay Wants You Well-Rested

2008-04-30T20:10:00.004-04:00

Michael Kay is a paradox, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a mystery. If you listen to his radio show on ESPN Radio, you’ll hear a man with strong (even blowhard) opinions about all things sport – including very critical commentary regarding the Yankees. On that show he pulls very few punches.

To listen to him do play-by-play on the YES Network, however, one would think it is a different man. He is a rah-rah guy, to put it mildly, and “criticism” usually comes in the form of a carefully-phrased question, or the deadly “While I don’t necessarily agree, some people think…” routine. He clearly fears biting the hand that feeds him on television (read: the Yankees), even though he is paid to provide insight.

Nowhere was this contradiction in approach better illustrated than during Tuesday night’s game against the Tigers; a game that probably saw Phil Hughes breathe his last at the pro level for now. Late in the evening, as the Yankees prepared to go down in defeat, Kay decided to pontificate on the reason for the Yankees’ poor performance. I am paraphrasing the following, but it is essentially word-for-word:

“Do you think the Yankees poor effort tonight is due to the pitching of Kenny Rogers and [the three relievers that followed], or is it the fact that the Yankees are just tired from such a long road trip?”

“Tired from the long road trip”? Are you kidding? Notice: not one mention of the fact that the Yankees left 13 men on base over the course of the game. No mention of the fact that the Tigers walked the bases loaded on two separate occasions and the Yankees only managed to score one measly run. No mention, either, of the continuing failure of everyone in the lineup to hit with RISP. No, it must be that they’re tired, Michael, not just completely inept in every facet of the game right now. Because to say that they are inept would be critical, and seeing as this isn’t your radio show, we must not criticize, we must merely hypothesize.

All of this, not to mention the fact that it’s April! They’ve played less than 30 games! Yes, 18 of 20 on the road is a long haul, but it’s not like the team is sleeping in their cars. They stay in five-star hotels, earn hundreds of dollars a day in fucking food money (despite the fact that they’re millionaires), and, in general, live like royalty.

But, sure, they're exhausted. Poor babies. I recommend a new stat to be added to the traditional AVG / HR / RBI / OBP staple: HSLN (Hours Slept Last Night). Without it, how am I to know why my favorite player keeps popping out to the shortstop?

Is This What They Mean By, "It's Only April"?

2008-04-27T17:49:00.004-04:00

Tampa Bay	14	11	.560	-
Baltimore	14	11	.560	-
Boston	15	12	.556	-
NY Yankees	13	13	.500	1.5
Toronto	11	15	.423	3.5

The Madman Says: The Yankees Are DOA

2008-04-27T15:15:00.005-04:00

The reason the slow starts of the last three years have been so frustrating to fans is because, deep down, we knew that the Yankees were a great team that hadn't clicked. We expected / knew that things would turn and each loss merely prolonged unnecessary agony. This year's .500-ish start has a different feel. Somehow, even though the record is actually better at this stage than in seasons' past, the team may actually be playing at the level we should expect. And that, friends, is a scary thought.

Before even taking into account the frightening news on Jorge Posada being reported today by The New York Times, there are a few signs that point toward a anti-climactic 2008:

1. Help Us Andy/Wang, You're Our Only Hope: At this stage, Chien-Ming Wang and Andy Pettitte absolutely have to be lights-out to keep the Yankees afloat. With the question marks behind them in the rotation, the team cannot afford to have shaky outings from their "aces." Wang has held up his end of the bargain (as witnessed by yet another gem against the Indians today), but even a bad start here or there could keep the team from digging out of the holes they will inevitably dig. Pettitte, meanwhile, still looks to have good stuff, but his performance against the Tribe on Friday night (5 IP, 5 R, 8 H, 3 BB) is the type of outing that will certainly rear its ugly head from time to time if only because Andy is older.

2. The Learning Curve: I speak here of Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy. Let's face it, Kennedy was likely one pitch away yesterday, against the Indians, from being sent back to Scranton. The fact that he regrouped after a 3rd inning that saw him wilt under the pressure of the situation has bought him another start or two, but as has been addressed ad nauseum by every Yankees blog, he'll need to learn to trust his stuff, throw strikes, be aggressive in the zone, etc. This will take time, and lots of it. The same goes for Hughes. He, too, has looked overwhelmed and sporadically unsure of his game. Does this mean that they are busts? Absolutely not. Hughes, especially, has the goods; however, to expect them to click within 2 months of their first full year in the Majors is a lot to ask. They will probably need this year, at minimum, to turn themselves into Big League throwers.

3. The 'Pen Returns To Earth: Lots of people got excited, in the first few weeks of the season, about how sharp the bullpen looked, especially with Joba Chamberlain and Mariano Rivera leading the charge. And, while Joba and Mo still look great (Rivera especially impressive), the rest of the group has shown their true colors. LaTroy Hawkins and Kyle Farnsworth may have their moments, but the bad will almost surely outweigh the good, leaving them forever-undependable. Brian Bruney (we hardly knew ye'!) is gone for the year, facing ankle surgery, and while the injury will keep us from knowing for sure, my guess is that he was going to prove unreliable as well, as he did last year. Billy Traber's deal with the devil ran out quicker than expected, and he's back in the minors. Ross Ohlendorff is being overused and doesn't seem to have a role. Is the the long man? The mop-up guy? Or the 9th inning, tie-game, bases loaded stopper, as he was yesterday? Meanwhile, Chris Britton and Jonathan Albaladejo will likely be up and down all year, filling in when necessary. All in all, the 'pen is exactly what we feared it would be: a question mark at best; a hindrance at worst.

4. Slow Start, or Death Knell?: While, essentially, every member of the offense shares responsibilty for Yanks' putrid average with RISP, I'll focus my ire on Robinson Cano, who truly looks like a defeated man. As of today, he has the second lowest batting average of any MLB'er qualified for the batting title. His power is non-existent, as is his sweet, all-fields swing. More importantly, however, his confidence is non-existent, too. Surely, he will not end the year hitting .150, but if the Yankees want to contend this year, they cannot wait around for guys like Cano (and Giambi, Damon, ARod, etc.) to get going. They have to be off and running to make up for the runs that the starting staff and bullpen will surely give up.

5. Accept Your Defeats With Quiet Dignity and Grace: I am not a believer in the old "chemistry helps a team win" idea. If you have diversified talent on the field, you should win whether or not you hate your second baseman's guts or not. So, in making this criticism I am not suggesting that the Yankees lose a lot because of "intangible forces," but merely observing the dynamic of the team. Frankly, Joe Girardi looks like he's wound tighter than a South American-produced baseball circa 1998 (Remember when everybody thought the homerun barrage of the late '90's was because of a juiced ball and not juiced blood veins? Good times.) Girardi, in some respects got the cushiest job in baseball, as well as the hardest. Expectations are soaring, but reality is sinking in. This is not a good combo, and Joe II looks very, very stressed. That stress seems to be manifesting in over-strategising (a different lineup every night, oddly timed days off for starters, the destruction of the depth chart, etc.) Add in Hank Steinbrenner's inability to shut the fuck up, and you've got the makings of a season in which the game on the field is continuously overshadowed by the griping in the back office.

I make these remarks without any inherent anger or disappointment. But, really, am I wrong here? There is no joy in Mudville.
_

Seriously, The Man Behind The Curtain Is Not Particulary Intelligent

2008-04-23T16:40:00.006-04:00

As an undeniably satisfying follow-up to yesterday's post regarding Hank Steinbrenner's rant about Joba Chamberlain and the state of the Yankees pitching, we have a delicious tidbit heretofore undiscovered.

Here's a Hank quote from the now infamous New York Times article: "[Mussina] just needs to learn how to pitch like [45-year-old Phillies pitcher] Jamie Moyer."

Really, Hank? Moose needs to pitch more like Moyer?

Well, shiver-me-timbers! Lookie-lookie:

Most HR given up to Manny Ramirez (career):
1. Jamie Moyer (10)
2. Mike Mussina (9)

Done, and done.

See? And you think no one listens to you, you stupid bastard.
_

Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain

2008-04-22T22:10:00.005-04:00

While the newly ordained and newly insufferable mouthpiece of the Yankees, Hank Steinbrenner, preens and prickles like a spoiled child, placing his frustration over a 10-10 start on the fact that Joba Chamberlain isn't in the starting rotation, it has become frighteningly apparent that no one in the hierarchy is paying attention to, you know, the games being played on the field.

For instance, although many Yankees bloggers (and reporters, and talk show hosts, and my barber) have already made mention of it, does Joba Chamberlain have anything to do with the team's .231 BA with runners in scoring position? What's more, to add insult to the already injury-plagued point, guess who has the most AB with RISP so far this season? That's right, it's Robinson Cano. He's come to the plate a whopping 24 times with runners at second and/or third and hit to the tune of .167. At the risk of oversimplifying the matter, that statistic would be no different if Joba were starting; ere go, Joba is not your problem.

Point the Second, the Yankees have been shut-out 3 times already this year. For a powerhouse offense, that seems rather awful. 30% of your losses have been shutouts? Hmm. For what it's worth, in 2007, the Yankees were shut-out for the third time on June 27. That's a differential of over two months. Have I removed all context in this case? Yes. But it is still a fact.

What's more, the Yankees have scored 41 innings thus far in 2008. On 8 occasions, the pitching staff has failed to post a goose egg in the next inning. In other words, 20% of the time, the Yankees are giving back runs immediately after scoring them. A small sample size? Indeed. But it is still a fact.

Shall I remark on Jason Giambi's .071 BA and .142 SLG?

Hank & Co.: Do the people who spend countless days and nights watching your team play baseball, and, likely, hundreds of dollars (and hours in traffic) each year attending games, really have to point out how unintelligent you sound? Fix what's broken, instead of wasting your breath on issues "full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."

Oh, yes. I dropped Shakespeare on your ass.
_

Umm...Yeah. That About Sums It Up.

2008-04-18T21:28:00.007-04:00

I swear to you that I had every intention of writing a full post on "Ortiz Jersey Buried In The New Yankee Stadium"-gate; however, I then watched this video courtesy of a blog called "Red Sox Monster," via "Deadspin."

I no longer need to write a post about this particular story.

Close Doesn't Hurt

2008-04-18T21:06:00.003-04:00

Kyle Farnsworth’s near-killing of Manny Ramirez last night was probably intended to be a brushback pitch but, typical of Kyle, it was nowhere close.

Of course, more is already being made of this than necessary. For the life of me, I will never understand why “purpose pitches” are treated as such an indignity by teams. The “how dare you?” attitude reared its ugly head again last night, with Josh Beckett putting on his best “I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed” face, and Terry Francona looking like someone just punched his dog, after Farnsworth’s behind-the-head fastball to Manny.

I will now speak directly to the Red Sox and their “Nation”: Stop it! Use some logic! Do you think that Kyle Farnsworth was trying to hit Manny Ramirez in the head? For the love of all that is holy, he was doing (well, trying to do) what any pitcher should do…taking back the inside part of the plate! Ramirez has been lounging in the box for five straight games against the Yankees. Mussina, not surprisingly, refused to work him inside, leaving the half-retarded ogre to live off of the center, and outside corner, of the plate. The result: 6-9 in the series and 2 mammoth shots last night, alone. The buzz pitch makes him (gasp!) uncomfortable and unsure of what pitch selection he will see and, thus, less likely to single-handedly break the spirit of the pitching staff.

But, sure, go ahead and plan your retaliation. Who gives a shit about strategy and gamesmanship? It’s only your profession.

I speak again to our loyal readership (so, Maas and my father): To the credit of both Farnsworth and Ramirez, their remarks after the game were exactly on-point. When asked if the pitch had a purpose, Farnworth responded, “It just slipped. I was trying to be aggressive and go in on him, but the ball slipped on me.” He also added, “Any hitter, you gotta show him inside ore they’ll be sitting over the plate and wear everybody out.”

Hmm. Concise. Sensible. Thanks, Kyle.

Ramirez was asked if he was upset, to which he responded, “Not really. I like to compete. I like that challenge. It’s part of the competition.”

Hmmmm. Even more concise. Even more sensible. Complete sentences? Thanks, Manny!

So, the two men involved both say, essentially, “That’s the game. That’s the way it’s played. No problem.” Everything must be cool, then.

But, somewhere in the shadows, Josh Beckett is still shaking his head in disgust.

Somebody get Jeter a reinforced helmet.

This Stat Is Quiet, Like A Fox

2008-04-16T21:57:00.008-04:00

I am currently watching the worst game in the history of Major League Baseball. In the top of the 6th inning, nearly three hours after first pitch, the Yankees are leading the Red Sox 11-9.

As I stare, dumbfounded, at my television, gawking at the inability of anyone to get an out, a thought has come to my mind: it seems that one of the reasons the Yankees' 2008 performance has been so "blah" thus far is because none of the team's cylinders ever seem to click concurrently. When the pitching is strong, the offense is anemic. When the bats come alive, the staff implodes. In short, it sure feels like each game is a struggle. I mean, really, didn't they have to work a little too hard to "sweep" Tampa Bay?

So, I looked up two basic stats: Runs Scored, and Runs Against. And I found what I thought I'd find.

(After 16 games)
RUNS SCORED: 67
RUNS AGAINST: 68

Pretty close, ay? The difference is minimal, which seems innocent enough; however, the fact that the two numbers are so close goes to prove that the Yanks aren't even winning convincingly, let alone blowing anybody out.

No wonder I'm tired already.
_

Always Wash Your Hands After Going to the Bathroom

2008-04-14T20:53:00.006-04:00

The Yankees have seen some roster movement today and one of those moves is most definitely worth noting.

No, it's not the call-up of journeyman catcher Chad Moeller.

No, it's not the return of Derek Jeter following a 6-game absence.

Yes, it is Wilson Betemit being placed on the DL with conjunctivitis, or, as we lehmans like to call it: pink eye.

Pink eye.

So far this year, that's right up there with Kaz Matsui's anal fissures and Felix Pie's twisted testicles (is that a cover band?) as far as ridiculous injuries are concerned.

I'm sure the pink eye is extremely debilitating and has nothing to do with the fact that Wilson Betemit has struck out 7 times in 13 AB and has proven himself to be a bonafied liability off the bench.

I can almost hear the conversation that went down today.

(Harp music plays.)

Yankees: So, Wilson, you've got pink eye.

Betemit: Yup. No big deal.

Yankees: We're gonna put you on the shelf.

Betemit: What? Why? It's just pink eye. A few eye drops and I'll be fine.

Yankees: No. We think it's best that you rest the eye for a couple of weeks. We want you healthy for the long run.

Betemit: But...

Yankees: GET ON THE FUCKING DL, WILSON!!
_

Our Brand Is Crisis

2008-04-14T16:33:00.004-04:00

Sucking early in the year is one thing. Sucking early in the year against the Red Sox is an entirely different kind of sucking.

Oh, Phil Hughes. What have you done?

Congratulations to Bill Madden of the New York Daily News for being the first local reporter to take a not-so-subtle, "told ya' so" shot at the Yankees for not pulling the trigger on the Johan Santana deal. Today, Madden writes, "Phil Hughes, the crown prince pitcher that Brian Cashman would not trade under any circumstances for Johan Santana, had his second straight abbreviated and ineffective outing..."

The "crown prince"? Sounds antagonistic to me. I also like the inclusion of the "under any circumstances" clause, just to emphasize how not traded Hughes was; as if Cashman is even dumber for not even having considered the deal.

Congratulations, as well, to Joel Sherman of the New York Post, the first local reporter to suggest that Phil Hughes (and Ian Kennedy) be shipped back to Triple A. Sherman writes, bafflingly, “Kei Igawa and Darrell Rasner are the best Triple-A possibilities at the moment, which explains why there will be plenty of leash for Hughes and Kennedy.”

Igawa? Rasner? Are you kidding me? This is embarrassing conjecture. Do you truly believe that there is a single member of the Yankees brain trust that is even thinking about sending Hughes and/or Kennedy down? Can you even comprehend, Joel Sherman, the PR nightmare that would ensue if that happened?

I realize more and more that it’s not the actual baseball games that drive me to the brink of insanity, but the media coverage of the games. These beat writers basically have carte blanche to write whatever emotion-driven, panic-stricken thought comes to their heads and report it as if it’s gospel.

Fact: the Yankees suck right now, and any Yankees fan worth his or her salt is miserable about it. No question. Hughes and Kennedy look awful, and there is a really good chance that they will not develop quickly enough (if at all) to allow the Yankees to contend this year. As a matter of fact, I have openly questioned why the Yankees didn’t make the Santana trade, seeing as how Johan is only 29, and if Phil Hughes ever pans-out, he will likely only ever be “as good” as the new Mets ace and never “better than”; however, this is the bed the team has made. If you ask me (and I’ll assume you did), the Yanks’ hierarchy knew in February, and knows now, that this may not be a playoff team. But the fact that guys like Madden and Sherman get to throw the city into hysterics after game 13 is immensely irritating.

In fact, if I were a good blogger (and our lack of readership indicates that I am not), I’d clip some quotes from the articles about Hughes’ first start against the Blue Jays a mere 10 days ago. Methinks the tone was probably a bit brighter on that glorious morning.

To recap, the Yankees suck. But what also sucks is the New York beat writers casting young and inexperienced pitchers (who the same writers constantly remind us are young and inexperienced) into the fiery reaches of hell for a couple of shitty starts.

Yes, the team is probably in trouble. No, it does not warrant the return of Kei Igawa to the rotation.

Calm down. Leave the unfounded ranting and raving where it belongs…in my living room.

The Game Plan: A Short Play by Pasqua

2008-04-12T21:41:00.005-04:00

Setting:
-Fenway Park, Boston, MA; visitors' clubhouse

Time:
-April 12, 2008; approximately 2:00 pm EST

Characters:
-Mike Mussina, NY Yankees Starting Pitcher
-Dave Eiland, NY Yankees Pitching Coach

[EILAND approaches MUSSINA to discuss the pitcher's upcoming start against the Boston Red Sox.]

EILAND: Hey, Moose.

MUSSINA: [Putting down his newspaper.] Hey, Eils.

EILAND: Finishing your crossword, huh?

MUSSINA: You know it. Can you think of a 7-letter word for "Carb crisper?"

[Pause.]

EILAND: "Toaster"?

[MUSSINA picks-up his newspaper and counts, silently.]

MUSSINA: Bingo. Nice job, Eils.

EILAND: Glad I could help. But, actually, Moose, I'm here to talk about your start today.

MUSSINA: Oh, right. Feelin' good, coach. Gotta say, my knuckle curve is really knucklin' and curvin' lately.

EILAND: Excellent, Moose. Excellent. But, listen, have you looked at the numbers on some of these hitters lately?

MUSSINA: Got 'em right here.

[MUSSINA holds up his "Boston Red Sox Media Guide."]

EILAND: Did you notice that David Ortiz is hitting like .075 on the year?

[MUSSINA scans a page in the media guide.]

MUSSINA: Papi...Papi...Papi...oh, here it is. Yup. David Ortiz, .075. 3 hits all year.

EILAND: Right. So, I'm figurin', with Papi slumping so badly, there's only one guy in their lineup that we really need to worry about today.

[MUSSINA looks skyward, pondering; contemplative.]

MUSSINA: Lugo?

EILAND: No.

MUSSINA: Youkilis?

EILAND: Nope. Though, that goatee is intimidating.

MUSSINA: I give up. Who do we have to worry about?

EILAND: Well, Manny's hittin' behind Ortiz, as usual.

MUSSINA: Oh, right! Manny...in the clean-up spot!

EILAND: Right.

MUSSINA: Yeah, I've been thinking about how to pitch to him, what with Ortiz hitting .075 and nobody else in the lineup possessing any real power or plate coverage, except for Manny.

EILAND: Good. That's good, Moose. So, now that we've established that Manny is the only guy in the lineup who can do any real damage to us, what with Ortiz mired in a horrible, horrible slump, how are you going to go after him?

MUSSINA: Hanging breaking balls and 85 MPH fastballs that leak back over the middle of the plate, coach.

EILAND: 'Atta boy, Moose. 'Atta boy.

[EILAND turns and goes, leaving MUSSINA to resume his crossword puzzle in peace.]

Fin.

Joe Girardi: Mad Scientist

2008-04-09T21:27:00.010-04:00

As if trying to announce to the world, "This ain't Torre's team no more!" (boy, he uses bad grammar) Joe Girardi has raised eyebrows in Kansas City tonight by pulling Ian Kennedy from his scheduled start a mere 15 minutes before game time.

The official reasoning behind the move is that a forecast of rain could have wreaked havoc on young, impressionable, Mr. Kennedy, and the braintrust did not feel comfortable starting him up and abruptly pulling the plug. (Note: before the first inning concluded a downpour ensued, proving that meteorologists are actually right sometimes.)

Girardi's answer to a lack of a starting pitcher? Throw the whole bullpen out there! As of this writing, Brian Bruney, Billy Traber, and Kyle Farnsworth (the only one to give up a run thus far, of course) have already pitched, and we're only in the 5th inning. Now, while I understand the concern for the Kool-Aid Brigade (although I still say that if they belong on the club then they should be treated like everybody else), blowing up the entire 'pen over the course of one game with the Royals seems suspect. Remember, this is the same team that couldn't buy an out from their relief corp by the end of '07...and Brian Bruney was lights-out for the first-half of last year, too.

There does seem to be a method to our new Joe's madness, however. Being the sleuth that I am, I am betting the house that the "Kennedy assassination" (too soon?) has been committed due to the fact that Girardi doesn't want Phil Hughes pitching in Fenway. See, now, Kennedy can pitch the finale in K.C. tomorrow, leaving Andy Pettitte, Chin Mien-Wang, and Mike Mussina to pitch the Boston series this weekend. Note the above are all "seasoned" starters, which (in theory) improves the Yankees chances of beating the Sawx.

Seems a bit desperate, the whole devastating-the-bullpen-so-Hughes- and-Kennedy-don't-have their-fragile-psyches-shattered thing, but if the Yankees sweep in Boston (or simply win the series) we'll be hearing all about the genius of Girardi.

Now, about this Kansas City game...

EDIT: Ian Kennedy has entered the game in the 6th inning, trailing 2-0. What in holy fucking hell is going on?! Please, please, please, Baseball God(s), don't make Joe Girardi one of those bat-shit insane managers who thinks that they're cutting edge because they "don't go by the book."
_

David Cone, Where Have You Been All My Life?

2008-04-08T21:13:00.004-04:00

When he wasn't masturbating in the bullpen or losing feeling in his right arm, David Cone was an awesome pitcher. The memory of watching his perfect game against Montreal in '99 will always be one of those rare "I remember where I was and what I was doing" baseball recollections. Even when he went to the Red Sox at the end of his career I kind of rooted for him, because I loved watching him pitch. (Do you remember that he was the opposing -- and equally dominant -- pitcher in Mike Mussina's 8 2/3 perfect game at Fenway Park in September of 2001?)

So, it is with a heavy heart that I publicly declare my disdain for David Cone, The YES Analyst.

Dear lord, he's horrible. And, yes, I know he was calling his first game today, but really. Why is it that all YES announcers be lobotomized before stepping in the booth? Ken Singleton (who called the game with Cone), John Flaherty, and even Joe Girardi (before he got the managing gig), have made a career out of dull, saccharine commentary devoid of any form of insight. When Al Leiter is the best "color man" on the roster because he's generally cranky, you know there are problems.

Clearly taking his cues from the School of Half-Full Glasses, here is just a small sample of Cone's wit and wisdom from today's Yankees / Royals game:

Cone, The Insightful: "That was close. It could have gone either way."
(Remarked following a check swing by Ross Gload that is called a swinging strike by the 3B umpire.)

Cone, The Elaborator: "Yes. Very nice."
(Remarked after Ken Singleton points out that Royals starter Brian Bannister has changed his number to #19, the jersey worn by his father, and commenting, "That's a nice way to honor your father.")

Cone, The Fucking Moron: "Very impressive. He's still trying to hit his spots."
(Remarked after Phil Hughes throws his 17th ball in a row in the 3rd inning...and also his 80th pitch of the game.)

Don't ruin my memories, Cone. I'm still trying to get over Paul O'Neill's transformation from tantrum-throwing badass on the field to girlie-laughing sidekick in the booth. Just back away from the mic.

Of course, the epitome of horseshit YES announcing still belongs to the aforementioned Ken Singleton. A couple of years back, when the Yanks were playing the (Devil) Rays, Singleton decided that the viewing audience just had to know about a conversation he had had about Carl Crawford with Tampa's hitting coach. According to Singleton, he broke the ice by commenting to the coach, "Hey, that Carl Crawford is a good hitter."

The response from the hitting coach? I'll let Maas finish the story in the comments.

Public Service Announcement

2008-04-07T00:14:00.001-04:00

We join the fight.

Vote.

Do it, people.

The Professor Presents Your Monthly Dose of Cock-eyed Optimism

2008-04-06T23:21:00.006-04:00

I feel we need balance. Don't get me wrong...I am frightened. I've seen what every Yankee starter not named after a penis has looked like thus far. I know about Giambi's injury. I know Johnny Damon is swinging (and still throwing) like me. But we have reason for optimism, fellow fans.

And away we go...(feel free to go ahead and kill me in the comments):

1. Matsui - he's hitting pretty well despite the fact that he's still pulling off the ball. Am I the only one who's seeing this? Even the during the single up the middle today I'm pretty sure his right foot was running toward the dugout.

2. Mo & Joba - It's only been 3 wins, but is there anyone out there who doesn't think that it's entirely realistic that these guys could really "shorten" the games to 6 or 7 innings? Joba has been great, lucky too, but great nonetheless. And Mariano is making all of those guys in my fantasy league who let him drop to me as the 8th closer taken look like the Boston-bandwagon posers they are. Assholes. How you like that Huston Street now?

3. Girardi - He stands up in the dugout during the game. He paces a little. He crosses his arms. It wasn't until today that I realized how much Torre's non-reactions were getting to me over the years. It's enough to me that Joe G occasionally proves his leg muscles work.

4. Dave Eiland - Has continually stressed how much he wants his pitchers to throw inside to keep batters uncomfortable. I cannot wait for David Ortiz's first at bat against us this year. If his feet don't move after the first one or two pitches I will be severely disappointed.

5. Abreu - Quietly going about his business and doing exactly what we expected of him this year.

So, my friends, rejoice! We weren't the ones who were just swept by the Blue Jays!
_

The Professor and The Madman Welcomes The Madman

2008-04-04T22:15:00.014-04:00

As the 2008 season progresses and all of you (all 10's of you currently reading "Piss and Wynegar") get to know me, Pasqua, and my colleague, Maas, one thing will become readily apparent: I'm insane.

In the interest of full disclosure, I am a rather rabid Yankees fan, despite a relatively kind and unassuming (and, admittedly, ruggedly handsome) exterior. I am the Bruce Banner of Yankees fans. Case and point: when the Yankees lose there is a part of me that actually believes that they have done so with the sole intention of spiting me. And that's not healthy.

Maas, on the other hand, is a gentleman and a scholar. I only know him to have thrown a chair in anger over a sporting event once, and I think that event was a New York Giants loss. His perspective is less, shall we say, unstable.

So, while we're both passionate and (hopefully, you'll agree) knowledgeable about the Bombers, we are, indeed, "The Professor and The Madman."

Now, with that off of my chest, I shall continue. From time to time, Maas and I will post our "observations" regarding the state of the team. Four games into the season, and with a .500 record secured, I will begin. Forgive the Larry King-style commentary:

1. Despite the 5 month absence of baseball, I feel like I'm watching these games in July. Maybe it's the lack of hitting, or Mike Mussina's horribleness, but the whole feel to the start of this season is rather blah.

2. Holy shit do Johnny Damon and Hideki Matsui look old.

3. I think it's adorable that the Yankees signed LaTroy Hawkins to make Kyle Farnsworth feel better about himself. Everybody needs a buddy.

4. Are we going to ask Joe Girardi how he feel about his ____ win every time he wins? "Joe, does the seventy-second win feel as good as the first win? How does it compare?"

5. I am alarmed by the fact that the best defense on the team is being played by Jason Giambi. It makes me believe that there is a rip in the fabric of the space-time continuum.

6. Base coaches' helmets = machismo.

7. Why I Love Yankees' Fans, Installment #1: As LaTroy Hawkins was in the midst of surrendering 6 runs to the Rays in 2/3 an inning of work, the crowd began to chant "Paul O'Neill!" at him, referencing the fact that Hawkins is the first player to wear #21 since O'Neill retired, and that he has already soiled the sanctity of the jersey.

8. Why I Hate John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman, Installment #1: Waldman, on air, asks NY Daily News writer Anthony McCarron, "What did you think of Ian Kennedy tonight, despite the fact that he was getting squeezed on the corners?" Kennedy's line on 4/4: 2.1 IP, 6 ER, 4 H, 4 BB, 2 K). Why even answer the question, Suzyn? It's quite obvious Ian got squeezed to the tune of 6 earned runs.

9. This is, I'm sure, too cynical, but it's unbelievably frustrating to me that Jorge Posada plays out of his mind in his contract year without so much as a head cold, gets his 4-year, $60 million deal, and is out with a sore shoulder after one game.

10. Joba Chamberlain is awesome to watch, but kind of a dick, and he will get one of his teammates maimed or killed this year. He will battle-cry-fist-pump his way to a fastball to the back of A-Rod's head.

Okay...there you have it. Mild commentary for now. But the season is young, and I am a sick, sick man.
_

Hi! My Name Is: Ross Ohlendorf (RP)

2008-04-04T21:59:00.007-04:00

Each day, "Piss and Wynegar" will present Yankees "player previews" for the coming 2008 season. In what can only be referred to as a "revelatory" strategy, we will use statistics, as well as opinion, to further our analysis.

Ohlendorf: Swedish for "He of the least-baseball-sounding names."

Luckily, this little German can throw.

Ross has only had the proverbial cup of coffee in the Bigs, but the Dutchman's late movement has been talked-up for over a year since he was aquired in the Randy Johnson trade. What's more, as he develops this year (and he looks like he's got a fairly secure spot on the depth chart) he may very well be able to rack-up the strikeouts.

While his homeland nation of Turkey anxiously awaits Ohlendorf's rise to superstar status, we anxiuosly await his role as mop-up boy and occasional 6th-inning-holds guy.

Switzerland.

To read previous "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.

Hi! My Name Is: Mike Mussina (SP)

2008-03-31T21:43:00.004-04:00

Each day, "Piss and Wynegar" will present Yankees "player previews" for the coming 2008 season. In what can only be referred to as a "revelatory" strategy, we will use statistics, as well as opinion, to further our analysis.

He's like Ian Kennedy!

See how I brought it full circle there?

Mike Mussina is freaking old, and like any old person he's going to have good days and bad days, but we won't know which is which until they actually occur.

Mussina has the dubious honor of being the official "question mark target" of the New York media this year, which is to say every good outing will be met with remarks about his "veteran wiliness," or "withered gamerness," or whatever meaningless phrase about his age / ability they can come up with. On the flipside, each bad outing will be written about as the beginning of the end; that it's time for Moose to retire to his crossword puzzles because he's hurting his team.

Based on last year's performance, it appears that the latter will be in print more often than the former. The reason? Mussina sucked last year to the tune of a much-maligned 5.15 ERA. While ERA is not at all the greatest measure of a pitcher's effectiveness, it was high enough to prove how inconsistent and ineffective he was (it was his career-worst by over one-half a run). Mix in 188 hits in a paltry 152 innings, and you have yourself the makings of a god-awful season.

That said, Mussina's importance to this team cannot be denied. With Hughes and Kennedy gigantic question marks and Pettitte already experiencing creaky injuries, Mussina might actually have to anchor this staff in the middle of the rotation. And that is a scary thought. A lot is riding on what is, surely, Moose's last year. For one, he'll need to eat more innings, especially with Hughes, Kennedy, and Joba all on ridiculously strict innings counts. He'll need to stay healthy also, as it appears Pettitte has that market cornered. And, frankly, he'll have to swallow his pride and learn how to pitch as a 39 year old with no more fastball.

In other words, [insert name of long relief man] is already warming up in the 'pen.

To read earlier "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.

Hi! My Name Is: Ian Kennedy (SP)

2008-03-31T21:27:00.005-04:00

Each day, "Piss and Wynegar" will present Yankees "player previews" for the coming 2008 season. In what can only be referred to as a "revelatory" strategy, we will use statistics, as well as opinion, to further our analysis.

He's like Mike Mussina!

No! No...he's like Greg Maddux!

No! No, no, no. He's like Pedro Martinez on those days when his arm hurts and he has to put all sorts of funky stuff on his pitches just to get by!

Lots of analogies have been made to explain Ian Kennedy's style. In short, he appears to be a finesse guy. Not overpowering. Relies heavily on placement. His pitches move and dart and scream, "I"m sorry! I love you!" as they cross the plate.

From what we've seen of Kennedy, which of course isn't much, he appears to have the caliber of stuff that will allow him to succeed. If you thought Phil Hughes' sample size was small, Ian's 19 Big League innings are indicative of nothing (less than a hit an inning, 15 K's, 9 BB); however, at the risk of sounding ill-informed, he sort of "looks" like the prototypical back-of-the-rotation kind of pitcher.

Everyone throws his name into the "young phenom" mix, but nobody really has any expectations for him. In other words, he's definitely the forgotten child of the Kool-Aid Brigade, and that could serve him well as he goes about his business. Just remember Yankees fans: he's a fifth starter. Leave him be.

To read earlier "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.

Hi! My Name Is: Phil Hughes (SP)

2008-03-29T22:50:00.005-04:00

Each day, "Piss and Wynegar" will present Yankees "player previews" for the coming 2008 season. In what can only be referred to as a "revelatory" strategy, we will use statistics, as well as opinion, to further our analysis.

Phil is leading the charge of what I have lovingly dubbed, "The Kool-Aid Brigade." The "brigade" is made up, of course, of Mr. Hughes, Joba Chamberlain, and Ian Kennedy. The name is derived from the strangely overly-optimistic prognosis for the Yankees pitching staff that has arisen over the course of this off-season. It seems that most everyone truly believes that all three of these guys will blossom in 2008, despite the fact that history (and the law of averages, for that matter) would beg to differ.

But we'll save that for a more cynical post.

As far as Phil Hughes goes, we'll lay bets that he does just fine. In his 13 starts last year, Phil was statistically underwhelming in an admittedly small sample size. His 58 K's in 72.7 innings was okay, while his 29 BB's was alarmingly high. However, the die hard fan inside points to two moments that illicit great optimism:

1) Hughes's 6 1/3 inning "no-hitter" against the Texas Rangers on May 1 was one of the most exciting nights of 2007, as well as one of the most frustrating. His command and movement were "as advertised," and even though he left the game with a hamstring pull, no one could argue that Hughes was not the real deal.

2) Hughes's relief performance against the Indians in Game 3 of the 2007 ALDS was immensley satisfying. He had command, gitty-up and, most importantly, poise on a big stage. It was reminiscent of the Texas game and reminded fans (and maybe the organization) that he had the goods to succeed.

If the aforementioned Phil Hughes shows up for a large chunk of his starts, he'll ensure himself as a fixture for the future. If he doesn't, than the cries of "How could Cashman not make that Santana deal?!" will reign down on the Stadium sooner than we think.

To read earlier "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.

Hi! My Name Is: LaTroy Hawkins (RP)

2008-03-29T22:28:00.005-04:00

Each day, "Piss and Wynegar" will present Yankees "player previews" for the coming 2008 season. In what can only be referred to as a "revelatory" strategy, we will use statistics, as well as opinion, to further our analysis.

Dear LaTroy:

Truth be told, I've never liked you as a pitcher. That is to say, in all of your previous "flame throwing" incarnations, whether it be as a starter, or a closer, or a middle reliever, I've giggled gleefully to see you enter games against the Yankees. Why? Because, by and large, I felt confident that you would choke.

Now you're one of us, and I will have to pretend to root for you approximately 80 times this year. I will have to pretend to root for you despite your 4.68 career ERA (101 ERA +) and your tendency to throw wild pitches at inappropriate times. I will have to pretend to root for you with every soul-sucking blown save, many of which -- I have no doubt -- will occur despite being one out away from getting the ball to Joba and/or Mariano. And I will have to pretend to root for you despite the fact that a Baseball-Reference.com search for "similar pitchers" compares you to Byung-Hyung Kim, and I think we all know how well things turned out for him.

Unfortunately, LaTroy, I fear that the best thing that we'll utter about you as the season progresses is, "At least he's gone after this year."

Edit (4/4/08): Thank you for getting back to me so soon, LaTroy! You're line through 4 games and 2 appearances: 2 IP, 7 ER, 8 hits, 0 K.

To read previous "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.

She Looks Something Like This

2008-03-28T16:33:00.006-04:00

NEW YORK: Hideki Matsui suprised teammates and fans alike when, as the end of Spring Training approached, he snuck off to the Big Apple to get married. The public was alarmed, however, to discover that the Japanese slugger had not married an actual woman, but a charcoal drawing of a woman.
This is the funniest thing, I think, I've ever seen. The actual caption to this picture in the New York Post reads, "Hideki Matsui holds up a sketch of his bride."

Is Hideki a time traveler, unfamiliar with the concept of photography? Is it 1814 and portrait renderings are all the rage? I understand the desire for privacy and not wanting to introduce the lovely lady (a "25 year old civilian," according to the Post) to the public, but really, a sketch?

Plus, if the man was going to go down the artistic route, don't you think he could have sprung for a medium classier than my 1 Subject College Ruled Mead Notebook?

Oil-based paints, at the very least?
_

[Emergency] Hi! My Name Is: Morgan Ensberg (1B / 3B / OF)

2008-03-24T18:49:00.013-04:00

Each day, "Piss and Wynegar" will present Yankees "player previews" for the coming 2008 season. In what can only be referred to as a "revelatory" strategy, we will use statistics, as well as opinion, to further our analysis.

The Yankees seem to be cultivating a new Spring Training tradition: invite an also-ran utility man to camp and let him make the big club. Last year, Josh Phelps lit it up in Tampa, made the team, and proceeded to crash and burn in the Bronx. This year, it appears that Morgan Ensberg is our man. He's been added to the 40 man roster, and rumor has it that his place amongst the elite 25 is almost guaranteed.

Over the last two years, Ensberg's name has really only come up in conversation when prefaced with "What the hell happened to...?" In 2005, as a 3B, he was a bonafied star for the Astros, belting 36 homers, driving in 101, and posting a SLG of .557. He had not had a year like it before, and he would not have one like it again (though he did hit 25 HR in less than 400 AB in 2003 while batting .291, so he had that going for him). So, what the hell did happen to Morgan Ensberg? Well, injuries led to terrible performance, which led to a loss of employment, which led to a Yankees non-roster invitation.

And, voila! It looks like Morgan's coming north. For what it's worth, we're kind of psyched, even if his ugly 2007 numbers do make him look cooked. He can play 1B, 3B and even dabbles in the outfield (apparently). What's more, the fact that he won't be an everyday player (at least until Jason Giambi suffers a season-threatening paper cut) means that he won't be expected to re-live 2005. In short: Ensberg only has to be slightly better than mediocre and the guy can officially resurrect his career.

Welcom to the club, Morgan. Jason Lane hates you.

To read previous "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.

Hi! My Name is: Kyle Farnsworth

2008-03-21T23:23:00.005-04:00

Oh…shit.

Here comes Farnsworth.

All we need to know is that ol’ Kyle is one of four guys who have been guaranteed a spot in the bullpen this year…a guy who didn’t enter a single game with runners on base last year.

Oh…shit.

Last year his BABIP was .288. The year before? .314.

Oh…well…

All the while, his groundball to flyball ratio has been getting worse and worse every year. This is a problem because flyballs hit off Kyle tend to go a long way.

Shit.

But we need to think positive! This is baseball! Anything can happen! Kyle got glasses last year: maybe, in true Charlie Sheen fashion, he’ll suddenly be able to pick up the strike zone. Maybe his new-found ability to pitch from the full windup from time to time will turn him into the shutdown 7th inning guy we haven’t had since Jeff Nelson’s gingerballs graced our mound. Maybe American League hitters will finally notice his fearsome barbed-wire tattoo and be too busy pissing themselves in terror to notice the grizzly-dick straight fastball zipping by them.

Maybe.

Oh, who am I kidding?

Shit.

To read earlier "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.

Hi! My Name is: Joba Chamberlain

2008-03-21T23:05:00.013-04:00

“And there were in the same country shepherds, abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them! And they were sore afraid ... And the angel said unto them, "Fear not! For, behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, which shall be to all my people. For unto you is born this day in the city of Lincoln a Savior, which is Joba."

Well, let’s be honest…that’s what we’re expecting of this poor bastard.

Joba will be awesome this year. Bullpen, starter…doesn’t matter (though, it’s probably going to be bullpen). [EDIT: It is.] He will be awesome. But, I’m talking realistic awesome. Reliable 8th inning guy awesome. ERA between 2.50 and 3.00 awesome. If you’re looking for anything close to last year you’re asking too much. Not saying it’s not possible…it’s just not likely.

As long as Joba brings the same confidence and fire he brought last year he’ll be…y’know…awesome (the 98 mph fastball and sick breaking balls don’t hurt either). Now, if only he could pitch the 6th, 7th, and 8th of every game.

To read earlier "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.

Hi! My Name is: Brian Bruney

2008-03-20T23:43:00.005-04:00

Strangely, one of the things the got me most excited this spring was when I saw that Bruney showed up lean and mean for Spring Training. As Yankee fans we must admit to ourselves – like, right now – that we need this guy. We need him to pitch the way he did in those 20 innings in 2006 or even like he did in his first 33 innings last year (where – as BP points out – he only allowed 5 extra base hits and threw to a tune of a 1.91 ERA).

One thing Bruney already has going for him, though, is that Joe Torre is out west abusing Scott Proctor. Hopefully, our new Joe won’t be as quick to throw relievers into his doghouse…especially since the legal team of Farnsworth, Hawkins, and Ramirez don’t seem to have the upside of young Brian.

That's all there really is to say about Brian. Although I think I once read that he used to work on a crab boat. So that's something. There must be a nickname in there somewhere, right?

To read earlier "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.

Hi! My Name is: Chris Britton

2008-03-19T22:00:00.003-04:00

Good fastball. Control problems. Weight problems.

(Note to self: copy and paste all of the above into Brian Bruney preview.)

Will probably see an awful lot of beautiful Scranton this year.

Oh, well. Wonder how the Orioles are enjoying Jaret Wright?

Seriously though, we’d be surprised (and incredibly worried) if Britton makes the Opening Day roster…mainly because he posted a BABIP of .310 in 37 games at Scranton last year. For those of you who are not familiar with BABIP – that means when he was hit, he was hit hard. Like really hard. That means a very straight fastball.

Which is bad.

To read earlier "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.

Hi! My Name is: Jonathan Albaladejo (RP)

2008-03-18T23:45:00.009-04:00

Each day, "Piss and Wynegar" will present Yankees "player previews" for the coming 2008 season. In what can only be referred to as a "revelatory" strategy, we will use statistics, as well as opinion, to further our analysis.

Once it was decided that Doug Mientkiewicz would not be returning to the Yanks we were left with an enormous hole in the roster. No, not backup first baseman - it was something much more important. Namely, who would assume the nickname “Eyechart?”

Lucky for us the Nationals were willing to deal an Albaladejo.

By all accounts, Albaladejo is a sinker-balling young reliever who relies on his off-speed stuff to get guys out. In other words, he’s Edwar Ramirez. We’ll probably see a bit of Jonathan early in the season simply because the Yanks are going to have to sort through the “bullpen.” He’s shown some ability to find the strike zone in the minors so we’ll hold out some hope for Eyechart…but we also won’t be surprised if he’s quickly relegated to innings 4, 5, and 6 of awful Mike Mussina starts.

To read earlier "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.

VT Stands for "Very Touching" (And Don't You Forget It)

2008-03-18T16:50:00.007-04:00

As a preamble to the following post, let us first say that we think the fact that the Yankees have traveled up to Virginia Tech to play the baseball team in an exhibition game is awesome. Truly. It must be an absolute blast for the college boys (and their fans) to have the Bombers come in, play their regulars, and give a community that endured an indescribably horrible tragedy a thrill. It's a classy gesture that should be praised in all respects.

And this is what makes the YES Network coverage of the event all the more cringe-worthy.

I have watched a majority of the play-by-play and have opted to mute my television for the simple fact that the self-congratulatory genuflecting has begun to make me ill. At every possible turn, Michael Kay (YES' #1 Yankees broadcaster, in case you didn't know) has praised the Yankees for their selfless desire to play this game. Honestly, Kay seems to be one ball-out-of-play-moment-of-downtime away from suggesting that the Yankees be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.

We've also been told that every one of these Va. Tech kids is giddy as a schoolgirl to be playing the same men they grew up watching on television. Every single one of them. Seriously. There is not one ballplayer on this team that slept last night. That's how excited they are. And do you know why? Because it's the fucking Yankees they're playing, that's why.

What I learned today by watching YES:

*Every member of the Yankees wanted to be here. They were passionate about being here. (Except Mike Mussina, Mariano Rivera and Jose Molina. Those douchebags are playing in minor league games back in Florida.)

*One of the Virginia Tech pitchers is such a big Yankees fan that he has several Yankees hats. Different colors, and everything!

*Alex Rodriguez decided to sit in the Va. Tech dugout and mingle with the little peop...err...college club. And he's signing autographs! Can you believe it?!

*Shelley Duncan is not a good first baseman.

*The sight of a sold out VT stadium is nothing short of "moving."

*If the Va. Tech team looks a little sloppy, it's just because they're so gosh darn nervous to be playing the New York Yankees!

*The VT head coach is a Red Sox fan, but he's allowed his sons to don pinstriped uniforms and serve as Yankees bat boys! See? The Yankees are better!

*The Yankees presence is helping with "the healing."

*The result of every Va. Tech at-bat is not a hit, walk, error or out...it's a dream come true.

Let's be honest, folks. While we're sure the Yankees, collectively, considered it an honor to play a part in this game, and the VT boys will have stories to tell forever, there is something to be said for letting a moment breathe. Is it necessary to constantly remind us of how momentous an experience is, or, in this case, how wonderful the Yankees are?

Wait. What's that?

Michael Kay is telling me, "YES."

Hi! My Name Is: Alex Rodriguez (3B)

2008-03-15T16:27:00.007-04:00

Each day, "Piss and Wynegar" will present Yankees "player previews" for the coming 2008 season. In what can only be referred to as a "revelatory" strategy, we will use statistics, as well as opinion, to further our analysis.

Okay. We arrive at the nerve to touch all nerves. Here goes. Lecture style:

1. He is (very) arguably the best player in baseball.

2. In 2007, he produced one of the most staggeringly beautiful offensive years in the recent memory.

3. If he had gone to another team during the off-season the Yankees would have been a drastically worse team, and anyone who argues otherwise is being silly and melodramatic. (Tell us with a straight face that you wanted Joe Crede playing 3B this year instead of A-Rod.)

4. There is no statistical evidence to suggest that his presence hurts a team’s chances of winning. And the fact that he has never been on a championship team is what we call a fucking coincidence, not evidence.

5. The fact that he can’t get out of his own way when it comes to PR, and that his persona is ickily "phony" (and the fact that Scott Boras is an asshole) does not make him worse at playing baseball.

6. The Yankees made the playoffs in 2007 because of him. Truly. Literally. His Win Shares number was 39. Thirty-fucking-nine.

7. His 2005 and 2006 postseason performances were terrible. Undoubtedly. However, he is not a choke-artist. His career postseason stats include: 16 XBH (including 7 HR); .279 AVG /.361 OBP/ .483 SLG.

8. And, finally, although it might sound too nitpicky: The homerun he hit against the Indians in Game 4 of the ALDS in ‘07 mattered. It counted. The game was not over. In fact, it was close…made even closer by that HR. If you like to use the phrases “A-Rod” and “garbage time homerun” in the same sentence, stop.

Look, we don't love the guy and will, in no way, shape, or form, be apologists for him when he (inevitably) does / says something dumb. But, if you truly want the Yankees to win games, you should be truly happy to have Alex Rodriguez playing for your team.

To read earlier "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.

The Mighty Crystal Has Struck Out

2008-03-13T22:12:00.016-04:00

Paul Maholm, you have my undying respect.

Let’s face it. The “Billy Crystal is a Yankee for a Day” thing was ridiculous. You might even go so far as to say that it was a farce. Working out with the team is fine. Taking batting practice with the team is adorable. Running drills with the team is quaint. But playing in an actual Major League Baseball game is bordering on sacrilegious.

We’re not prudes. Fun is fun. But we also believe in the sanctity of the game, and bringing in some guy off of the street to play in a game between two legit squads – regardless of whether it is Spring Training or not – is outrageous. And, just because Billy Crystal is famous, and 60, doesn’t exempt him from this fact. In the world of baseball he is “some guy.” What has he contributed to warrant this kind of special treatment? He loved Mickey Mantle? He remembers the old Yankee Stadium? Does a mean Bob Shepard impersonation? Can spin yarn about “the good ol’ days” when he could by a bleacher seat for a nickel and be whisked away by the aura of Yankees baseball?

Mix in the debacle that was the Dane Cook “This Is October” campaign last year, and MLB’s fascination with over-hyped comedians is getting uncomfortable.

In retrospect, we should probably look on the bright side. The two teams could have turned this into a bit, in which Maholm would have thrown behind Crystal, who would then have uproariously charged the pitcher, only to grab his back and feign a muscle spasm as he approached the mound, at which point Jason Bay would have picked-up Billy, put him over his shoulder and placed him, gently, back in the batter’s box. Comedy gold! (Actually in my mind, this was the original plan, but it had to be scrapped when Shelley Duncan threatened to body slam Xavier Nady if “anybody touches Billy!”)

To Crystal’s credit, though (and we can give credit here; we’re not that angry), he did take a couple of good hacks, and even…worked the count? He meant business, and the simple fact that he touched an 88 mph fastball (or so the radar gun said) warrants a slap on the back. But, really, DH? In a real game? Leading off?

I swear to God, if Kevin Costner even shows his face in a Major League locker room this season, just blow up the Hall of Fame.

Don't Make Shelley Duncan Angry. You Wouldn't Like Him When He's Angry.

2008-03-13T16:46:00.016-04:00

Yup. He’s retarded.

Look, Shelley, we’re all for the balls-out, smashmouth play; however, when you announce to the general public precisely when and how you intend to seek revenge on another team for a perceived dirty hit, you officially enter the ranks of “moron.”

Yesterday’s altercation with the Rays was ugly on a lot of levels. In some respects we blame the Yankees: the aftermath of the Francisco Cervelli / Elliott Johnson collision came across as somewhat whiny. Joe Girardi was standing up for his guys when he called the hit inappropriate, but Joe should know, better than anyone, the perils of catching. Plus, he was a tough guy behind the plate, and I know that because the media has been telling me all week. The hit was hard, aggressive, and probably a little bit dirty (the cross-body-block tackle seemed a bit much) but, for God’s sake, take it like professional athletes are supposed to take it: say nothing and then buzz Carl Crawford up and in on Opening Day.

But Shelley’s comments leading up to yesterday were especially ridiculous. The whole “I didn’t think you ran over catchers in Spring Training. I guess we’ll have to play with a different intensity now,” shtick sounded childish and professional athletes should never attempt layered innuendo. Most people probably think Duncan has assured himself a role with the “big club,” thanks to his taking matters into his own hands; however, if anything, Lenny might have cost himself a spot on the team to start the year, if only because he’s sure to be suspended, and we doubt the Yankees will want to start the year a man down.

The Rays, however, are also to blame for this fiasco. There are few things more aggravating to us than the “How dare you?!” reaction from a team after they initiate a controversy. Whether the Rays believed that the Johnson hit was clean or not, they had to be ready for it! Any man, woman, or child who watched the collision understood that retaliation would be had at some point. So, spare us the sudden indignation. I’m looking at you Jonny Gomes. (Where the hell did you come from, by the way? You were on Duncan quicker than Spitzer on a prostitute.) And, for Joe Maddon to call Duncan’s take-out slide “borderline criminal,” is just pathetic. Let me get this straight: body chopping a catcher at the plate is “hardnosed,” but a spikes-up slide into second base is “contemptible”? Funny how different things look from the other side, ay Joe?

We pause, also, for a brief shout-out to the umpires, who perceived the early innings of this game to be a bonafied Pearl Harbor attack. Men in Blue, did you really believe that the Yankees had sent Heath Phillips to the mound to do their dirty work? Heath Phillips? Trust us, if the Bombers wanted to send a message, they would have made sure an erratic flame-thrower was on the mound. Kyle Farnsworth is good for something, you know.

Lastly, however, we save our ire for the media, on whom we lay the most blame. We all know that Spring Training is boring. The games are boring, the interviews are boring, everything is boring. Tweaked hamstrings and simulated games / bullpen sessions get the brunt of the attention. We get it. Not sexy. But, media: you caused this fight. From the second the collision occurred the stories came fast and furious. Will this cause retaliation? Will the Yankees fight back? Who will do it? When will it happen? Someone please read this exciting yet hypothetical report! In the end, you give a story life…even the non-stories. And, although Cervelli broke his wrist in a very unfortunate event, this was basically a non-story.

But, even the worst fisherman sometimes catches a fish (Did we just invent a new colloquialism?) and, to all the beat writers out there, your fish was obviously Shelley Duncan who, as previously mentioned, is retarded. You baited him, hook, line and sinker. You got him to bite on the retaliation angle, and you got what you wanted; an embarrassing, bench-clearing fight in March. And now, we’ll have to endure another week’s worth of stories about retaliation for the retaliation. As if the Yankees / Red Sox ordeal isn’t exhausting enough.

If you had your way, this would end with Rocco Baldelli dead, on his bathroom floor, with the initials “D.J.” carved into his chest.

Thankfully, as passive as it sounds, at least nobody got hurt in the brawl.

And at least we got that awesome picture of Akinori Iwamura getting a cleat stuck in his balls.

Hi! My Name Is: Jorge Posada (C)

2008-03-11T22:02:00.006-04:00

Each day, "Piss and Wynegar" will present Yankees "player previews" for the coming 2008 season. In what can only be referred to as a "revelatory" strategy, we will use statistics, as well as opinion, to further our analysis.

Starting in about July of last season, we began to lament the torrid start to which Jorge Posada had gotten off. We believed, as had been demonstrated in the past, that Jorge was destined to “regress to the mean” and finish the year mired in a slump that would see his offensive production fall off the face of the Earth and land him at the usual .275 / .380 / .480. Much to our surprise, though, Jorge not only maintained his performance, he was still improving at the end of September.

If ever evidence is compiled to prove the existence of “contract year magic,” those compilers will look no further than to the 2007 version of Jorge Posada. His OBP (.426) was forty-five points above his career average, while his SLG (.543) and AVG (.338) were both sixty points above his career average. Add in a career-high in hits (171, which demolished his previous personal best by 26) and you can write your own check And, ostensibly, Jorge did just that, as he was able to finagle a fourth year out of an already lucrative deal that has made him the highest paid catcher in history.

As the crow flies, Posada is due for a statistical drop-off in ‘08. No 36-year-old player – a catcher, no less – can be expected to buck his well-established offensive trends for more than a year. And, most likely, by the time 2011 rolls around and Posada is 40, has had two knee replacement surgeries, and is one of four Yankees designated hitters, NY sports radio callers will be cursing the contract, as all long-term deals to aging players are eventually cursed. But, at least, Jorge is our aging superstar. We watched him grow and, by God, we will watch him wither and die.

To read earlier "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.

Hi! My Name Is: Jose Molina (C)

2008-03-10T21:17:00.006-04:00

Each day, "Piss and Wynegar" will present Yankees "player previews" for the coming 2008 season. In what can only be referred to as a "revelatory" strategy, we will use statistics, as well as opinion, to further our analysis.

In signing Jose Molina to a two-year contract the Yankees assured themselves of some much-needed speed off of the bench. (Bah-dah-bum!) We’ll be here all season. But, seriously, folks, having Molina as the backup backstop is one of those “little things” that can actually make a big difference when the year is over with and done. In a split (and, admittedly, non-existent) 2007 with the Angels and Yankees, Molina threw out 42% of runners attempting to steal, showed contortionist-like dexterity behind the plate and, by all accounts, was a guy the pitching staff liked throwing to.

Yankees fans should not expect much at the plate, as Molina’s .318/.333/.439 with the Bombers was not indicative of his career .245/.281/.348. That said, however, a well-timed hit here and there is not out of the question. Most importantly, though, Jose provides veteran presence and stability in a role that has wreaked havoc on the Yankees for years. I’m looking at you, Handsome Wil Nieves, Kelly Stinnet, Sal Fasano, and John Flaherty.

To read earlier "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.

Hi! My Name Is: Hideki Matsui (LF / DH)

2008-03-09T13:31:00.006-04:00

Each day, "Piss and Wynegar" will present Yankees "player previews" for the coming 2008 season. In what can only be referred to as a "revelatory" strategy, we will use statistics, as well as opinion, to further our analysis.

Hideki Matsui enters ’08 with a freshly-scoped knee and an open-wound in his cheek, after being dangled as trade bait by the Yankees during the off-season. Having briefly appeared to be headed for San Francisco, Godzilla leaves his heart in the Bronx and returns, following a 2007 campaign that, while not awe-inspiring, did produce 25 HR, 103 RBI, and an OBA and SLG consistent with his MLB career stats. Not bad when one considers, also, that his 2006 season was almost entirely lost, due to a broken wrist.

Despite the statistically “just fine” year, Matsui looked awkward at times. Like Johnny Damon, his mediocre-at-best defense and throwing arm seemed more pronounced, especially early in the year when (virtually) the entire team flatlined. As a result, whispers of Matsui’s decline have begun to echo (as they have for many of his teammates), and matters haven't been helped by his failure to appear in a game this Spring Training following the surgery; however, if he puts up another 2007 in 2008, then he can keep declining for as long as he wants.

What struck us as surprising, though, was that when rumors of Matsui-to-San Fran got hot and heavy this winter, nobody seemed to worry about losing this proven, middle-of-the-order bat. Do they expect more?

To read previous "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.

Hi! My Name Is: Derek Jeter (SS)

2008-03-08T19:57:00.008-05:00

Each day, "Piss and Wynegar" will present Yankees "player previews" for the coming 2008 season. In what can only be referred to as a "revelatory" strategy, we will use statistics, as well as opinion, to further our analysis.

What is it about this guy? We like to think of ourselves as objective fans, capable of rooting unconditionally for the Yankees while being realistic and critical when necessary. We realize that Derek Jeter is the second-best shortstop on his own team. We recognize that his defense is simply “fine” and that his offense is usually “really good,” but we also fall into that (large) group that would not give up the Captain for anything in the world. To try and define the reasons why would take up too much time and, frankly, would probably do more harm to Jeter’s God-like image than good, so we’ll just say “because.” We worship at his altar…because.

While some critics labeled Derek’s 2007 as a down year -- especially compared to his monster 2006 campaign (really, he was a beast) -- it was actually, quite literally, average. BA, OBP, and SLG were all within 10 points of his career mean, while hits, HR, RBI, runs scored, 2B, and BB also all hovered around his career average. And, while his fielding was statistically sub-par (18 errors), assuming that Jeter does not begin dating Alyssa Milano in ‘08, another perfectly strong year likely awaits.

To view earlier "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.

Hi! My Name Is: Alberto Gonzalez (SS / 2B)

2008-03-08T15:12:00.008-05:00

Each day, "Piss and Wynegar" will present Yankees "player previews" for the coming 2008 season. In what can only be referred to as a "revelatory" strategy, we will use statistics, as well as opinion, to further our analysis.

Well, hello, Mr. Gonzalez. Welcome to the discussion. While we don’t know much about you, the fact that you were acquired in the Randy Johnson trade and actually have a chance at becoming the third guy from that (seemingly) desperate deal to make the team is enough for us to love you unconditionally.

Despite resigning in disgrace from his position as Attorney General of the United States late in 2007, Gonzalez projects to be a defensive option for the Yankees, shoring-up the middle of the infield. His .976 fielding percentage led all of Triple-A last year, and he apparently has a knack for hitting triples, if not much else.

To view previous "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.

Hi! My Name Is: Jason Giambi (DH / 1B)

2008-03-05T18:08:00.007-05:00

Each day, "Piss and Wynegar" will present Yankees "player previews" for the coming 2008 season. In what can only be referred to as a "revelatory" strategy, we will use statistics, as well as opinion, to further our analysis.

Holy shit, is Jason Giambi the starting first baseman?! Spitting in the face of reason, it appears that Mr. Giambi is the first-string option to man the not-so-hot-corner in ’08. Aided by the off-season jettisoning of Andy Phillips and Doug Menkietwiecz, the Bombers don’t appear to have many defensive options, especially with fleet-footed Wilson Betemit as the backup apparent. Why should this frighten Yankees fans? Well, it shouldn’t, as long as Yankees fans find a lack of basic fielding range, butchered ground balls, and sub-Little-League-quality throws to second and home comforting.

Well, at least the Giambino still brings the thunder at the plate, right? Right? Oh, boy.

With every mysterious, season-killing ailment that befalls Jason, we die a little inside. Last year, Giambi’s numbers were stunted by a lingering foot injury and the stats ended up eerily reminiscent of 2004, when a small worm ate away at his insides and a benign tumor infiltrated his pituitary gland. Ah, memories. So, while it might seem like a cop-out, we’re willing to say that it was Jason’s injuries that held him back in ‘07, especially when one considers that his OBP was nearly 60 points off of his career average and his SLG was off by more than 100 points (the only other year in which the numbers were so drastically skewed was the aforementioned ’04).

Meanwhile, the former offensive beast still maintained a finicky eye (40 BB in only 254 AB), but Giambi often looked like a shell of his former, 'roided self; sluggish and overmatched at the plate. Here's hoping that #25 will start playing for a new paycheck and that a little of the ol' WWE-lovin', tattoo-wearin', goatee-shavin' basher will return; however, there is also a distinct chance that Jason will continue to transform from a hitter that "doesn't swing at bad pitches," to a hitter that just, "doesn't swing." In that case, it's going to be a bumpy season.

To read previous "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.

Hi! My Name Is: Shelley Duncan (DH / RF / 1B / Elbow Smasher)

2008-03-02T10:26:00.008-05:00

Each day, "Piss and Wynegar" will present Yankees "player previews" for the coming 2008 season. In what can only be referred to as a "revelatory" strategy, we will use statistics, as well as opinion, to further our analysis.

Is this kid excited, or just retarded? Of all the Duncans in the league, Shelley is definitely the most fun. If nothing else, the tension created by watching him nearly put every one of his teammates on the DL with a broken arm makes watching each and every game worthwhile. Shelley, who we have affectionately dubbed, “Lenny,” strikes us as the newest Shane Spencer. Which is to say, he has come out of nowhere, hit a lot of homeruns, and will soon be exposed as not being very good at baseball.

Look, Lenny is fun. He was clearly in awe of his teammates and, in a way, he reminded us that these guys are playing a kid’s game and that it’s supposed to be (gasp!) fun. The only problem is, what does Girardi do with him in 2008? Duncan doesn’t have a position (at least Shane Spencer was an actual outfielder) and on-the-job training doesn’t sound too appealing, especially with Giambi, Damon, and Matsui already in defensive limbo. Offensively, too, as entertaining as his homerun stroke was in ’07, it seems more likely that the .257 AVG Shelley posted is the statistic more likely to be repeated than his 1:10 HR/AB ratio. We don’t mean to shit all over the kid, but he may not be the best fit for this year’s team. And, really, those elbow bashes are just plain dangerous.

To read previous "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.

Hi! My Name Is: Johnny Damon (LF)

2008-03-01T16:42:00.007-05:00

Each day, "Piss and Wynegar" will present Yankees "player previews" for the coming 2008 season. In what can only be referred to as a "revelatory" strategy, we will use statistics, as well as opinion, to further our analysis.

2007 was by no means a lost year for Johnny, as his .351 OBP and .270 AVG did not stray too far from what he’s posted in the past (his 27 SB were also the most he’d swiped since 2003). And, while Damon’s .396 SLG was his second worst in 10 seasons, it doesn’t mean he can’t rebound; however, it was his fall from grace in centerfield that started fans worrying. Suddenly, we all took notice that the Demonic One’s throws from center were reminiscent of the kid in elementary school who sat and read books during recess and, when asked to throw an errant foul ball back to the kids who were playing a pick-up game, looked like he was heaving a two-ton boulder into the infield. Combined with Damon’s newfound tendency to hobble in the direction of a fly ball in the gap, Yankees fans have begun to believe that the beginning of the end is near. Most fans, though, will remain optimistic that a platoon in left and frequent DH’ing will keep Mr. Charming healthy and sprightly throughout the season.

The most important stat on Damon going into ’08, though, now appears to be the over/under on when we first hear about a nagging foot / knee / elbow injury that, while not bad enough to put him on the DL for the first time in his career, will be used by the team to explain why the leadoff hitter is batting .235 with no power and no speed. Last year it was Opening Day. This year, we’ll give Johnny a fighting chance and open the bidding at May 1.

To read previous "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.

Hi! My Name Is: Robinson Cano (2B)

2008-02-29T10:44:00.014-05:00

Each day, "Piss and Wynegar" will present Yankees "player previews" for the coming 2008 season. In what can only be referred to as a "revelatory" strategy, we will use statistics, as well as opinion, to further our analysis.

Hip-hip, Cano! This veritable Lou Gehrig (What? He lead the team in games played with 160. Duh.) truly is an exciting young man to watch; “exciting,” in this instance, carrying a multitude of positive connotations and a smidgen of negative meaning. It’s hard not to love Robbie at the plate, as no one seems to go on a tear quite like him and, like a Major Leaguer with genuine staying power, he’s improving each year. The only possible caveat to his development is the hefty contract he signed in the off-season, which could lead to world domination or frustrating complacency. Hopefully, it’s the former.

Robinson saw career numbers in HR, RBI, and runs scored in ‘07. He even demonstrated burgeoning patience, improving his BB/AB ratio from 1/27 in ’06, to 1/16 last season. Not bad, especially when one considers that, at times, Cano enjoys swinging at balls that are simply being thrown out of play in-between pitches.

On the flipside, Cano still has some maturing to do. His .353 OBP last season placed him sixth amongst starters, and plate discipline might very well be the culprit. Moreover, Robbie took some heat from game analysts for a weak batting average with bases loaded (.250), and with runners in scoring position and 2-outs (.250). A discipline issue as well? Probably too early to tell, and too small a sample size, but we’ll keep watching nonetheless.

In the field, Cano posted a .984 fielding percentage, but did illicit criticism for occasional lackadaisical defense. If he has an Achilles’ heel, it may be a tendency to non-chalant some grounders. Ideally, this trait will recede with age and a new manager. Like his buddy, Melky, Robinson does some awesome dances in the dugout but, thankfully, his real talent lies in playing the game of baseball.

To read previous "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.

Hi! My Name Is: Melky Cabrera (CF)

2008-02-28T11:25:00.013-05:00

Each day, "Piss and Wynegar" will present Yankees "player previews" for the coming 2008 season. In what can only be referred to as a "revelatory" strategy, we will use statistics, as well as opinion, to further our analysis.

Ah, Melky. Average, average, Melky. It is with great skepticism that we welcome Mr. Cabrera back to the Yankees starting lineup, having avoided being shipped to Minnesota for Johan Santana in a deal that, inexplicably, Bombers fans rejected en masse. The question is: why? Melky’s popularity is baffling. He tracks balls awkwardly in the outfield, doesn’t walk (he trailed only Robinson Cano in fewest BB’s amongst starters), has no power to speak of, and had an OBP of only .327 (worse than Mr. Cano who, as just mentioned, actually walked fewer times than the Milk Man).

There remains an expectation that Cabrera will suddenly shed his caterpillar exterior and become the beautiful butterfly of our dreams, but the likelihood of that gets smaller and smaller with each passing day. Virtually every “analyst” who speaks of Melky labels him as a 4th outfielder, and yet here he is, starting every day in the most hallowed of Yankee Stadium positions. While 73 RBI from a guy hitting in the bottom 1/3 of the order looks perfectly fine, we can’t help but feel that the Melkster has somehow cast a spell upon New York City that enables mediocrity to pass as star-quality talent. In short, we expect more of the same from Cabrera this year: a few outfield assists and a lot of pedestrian offence. But, he does do those fun dances in the dugout when guys hit homeruns!

To read previous "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.

The Greatest Thing that has Ever Been on the Internet Ever! Ever, Goddamn You!

2008-02-26T23:44:00.005-05:00

Recently, Phil Hughes has gotten a lot of attention for his new blog. He deserves it - it's entertaining enough and the guy actually seems to appreciate his fan base. But all of this love for Philly-boy has caused us to overlook something that should be considered nothing less than a national treasure.

It is sublime.

It is Chien-Ming Wang's blog.

Now I don't want to make fun of it too much...the guy does seem to give to an awful lot of Taiwanese charities, and that is surely commendable.

But, fellow bloggers and blog readers, Wang's greatest gift to all of us is simply this...

The list of archived articles.

BEHOLD! Wang jokes!

12.07 Wang makes two dreams come true
10.03 Subdued Wang given critical test
09.21 Wang lasts seven strong innings
08.27 Statement regarding Wang Merchandise
08.08 Wang struggles in Toronto
06.28 Wang let off the hook
06.12 Wang goes seven strong innings (twice!)
05.16 Yankees earn split behind Wang
05.10 Wang roughed up by Rangers
May Wang makes The TIME 100
04.24 Wang delivers solid performance
04.24 Notes: Wang warmly welcomed back
08.02 Wang dominates Toronto
07.27 Poise and humor carry Wang far

And it may just be me...but the presence of the word "Wang" just seems to make anything - even the nonsensical - funny.

12.06 Wang donates equipment
11.15 Wang reunites with Karstens
05.05 Wang nearly perfect in Yanks' rout
04.29 Wang can't slow Red Sox
03.24 Wang to start season on disabled list
08.23 Wang has his way against Mariners
08.18 Wang cool under pressure in victory
05.17 Wang rescues Yanks again

Enjoy!
_

Concerns About Schilling's Shoulder, Weight Force Red Sox to Sign Bartolo Colon as Insurance

2008-02-25T00:16:00.009-05:00

I'm sorry. I just really wanted to type that headline.

Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.
_

Hi! My Name Is: Wilson Betemit (3B, SS, 2B, 1B)

2008-02-22T21:28:00.017-05:00

Each day, "Piss and Wynegar" will present Yankees "player previews" for the coming 2008 season. In what can only be referred to as a "revelatory" strategy, we will use statistics, as well as opinion, to further our analysis.

Betemit wasn't overly impressive after coming to the Yankees from L.A. at the trade deadline last year, but any trade that saves us from having to watch Scott Proctor throw 90 innings by mid-July is alright in our book. Staggeringly, our new jack-of-all-trades struck out 82 times in 240 AB last year. That’s a strikeout every three goddamn at bats! Are you even allowed to be in the majors with that kind of ratio? For the sake of comparison, A-Rod led the team in strikeouts last year with 120, which equated to a K every 5 AB. Yeesh.

While Betemit shows some power potential, that's about it at this point. His career numbers suggest a better year in '08, and more regular playing time will (hopefully) help Wilson along. The Yankees have coveted him for some time, so we'll assume the scouts know what they're doing. Now, please excuse us while we prepare the Kei Igawa preview.

To read previous "Hi! My Name Is" entries, click here.

Gary Sheffield: Fragile Terminator

2008-02-21T22:21:00.011-05:00

You know, as of this evening, four days of Spring Training had passed and something just didn't feel right. I hadn't been able to place my finger on it. Was it the overkill on the Clemens / HGH story? The litany of NBA trades being made? The fact that I have a baby due any second? No. I realize now: I was missing Gary Sheffield pouring on his specially designed brand of crazy.

Thank goodness all is now right with the world.

Now, this particular version of Gary-crazy happens to be difficult for me to come to terms with, especially since Sheff is directing his ever-present bile at another loathsome character in Scott Boras, his former agent. Seems that Gary is threatening to unload a whole bunch of "ugly things" (read: crazy, likely delusional, things) about Boras because of some pending litigation related to Boras's involvement (or lack thereof) in the completion of Sheffiled's 2004 contract with the Yankees.

Like any good Yankees fan -- heck, like any good baseball fan -- I maintain a great deal of disdain for Boras and his ego-maniacal, subversive tactics as an agent. The guy is skeevy, to say the least, and I have gleaned a great deal of satisfaction this offseason watching his high profile clients (A-Rod) and not-so-high profile clients (Kenny Rogers) tell him to shove it. The problem is, when Boras's combatant is Gary Sheffield, I really don't know who to root for.

When he was a Yankee, I really dug Sheff. He played hard, he played hurt, and he produced. But I always separated On-the-Field-Sheff and Off-the-Field-Sheff because, frankly, Off-the-Field-Sheff was, and is, an intolerable, insolent man-child. He has carried a victim complex with him throughout his career and, no matter how happy he seems at the beginning of a contract, you can bet the house that he will be whining and crying about being disrespected by the end of it.

What is so irksome about this new story is that, not only is Sheffield complaining again, he has created a seemingly new persona: baseball vigilante. He's the dude with the goods. Don't play with fire, or you might get burned. You get the idea.

Note some of his gems while talking to reporters about the Boras issue:

"[What I have to say about Boras] ain't going to be pretty...No fine is going to be big enough. No suspension is going to be long enough."

Oh, Gary. You big, bad man. You aren't scared of anybody, are you? You're so tough, I peed myself a little bit just reading that quote.

"Actually, I'm not supposed to be talking about [the case] at all...But, I am anyway."

You're a loner, Gary. A rebel. You and Pee-Wee Herman.

"Can you explain why (Miguel) Tejada gets [a six year contract], (Vladimir) Guerrero gets five years and I get three? [Boras] cost me two years of a contract because he was trying to tarnish my name."

Yes, indeed, Gary. Scott Boras cost you two years guaranteed on a contract that you, yourself, admit to negotiating with George Steinbrenner on your own. Hey! Maybe you should pick a fight with yourself now! That would be awesome.

And, finally, the topper:

"The whole year (2003) in Atlanta , I had to get the players' association to stop [Boras] from writing me threatening letters saying, 'Either you let me do your contract or I'll be forced to sue you.' That's a threat and harassment."

Actually, Gary, that's a heads-up. But, that's also beside the point. Reader, do you see how easily and quickly Gary transitioned from aggressor to victim there? It's like he's the schoolyard punk with the rich parents; the one who likes to harass all of the smaller kids but then runs home crying once somebody pokes him in the shoulder. Poor Gary's being threatened! What are you going to do about it player's association? Ugh.

In the end, I don't mean to paint Scott Boras as innocent here. In fact, I feel confident that his dealings were probably shady in some form or another. But I just can't take Sheffield's continual need for attention and sympathy. He's made a career of burning every bridge he's ever crossed and, not only is his act infuriating, it's predictable.

Gary, when you play a game for a living, and get paid millions to do it, most fans have no respect for insufferable babies. If MLB is out to get you, why don't you just go away? I have a sneaky feeling no one will chase after you.
_

Hi! My Name Is: Bobby Abreu (RF)

2008-02-21T16:36:00.007-05:00

Each day, "Piss and Wynegar" will present Yankees "player previews" for the coming 2008 season. In what can only be referred to as a "revelatory" strategy, we will use statistics, as well as opinion, to further our analysis.

Despite a spell early in 2007 during which Bobby Abreu held the bat upside down and swung at pitches as if they were delicate flowers, one of the best moves the Yankees made this offseason was picking up the option on their strong-armed rightfielder. Knowing that the Stadium would have to be re-mortgaged to sign Rivera, Posada and "He of the 10 Pee Tests," A-Rod, Brian Cashman’s decision to pay Abreu $16 million seemed downright fiscally responsible. Some fans were dismayed by Abreu’s tendency to slump in ’07, but the alternatives to this Latin heartthrob were few and paltry. What’s more, once some intriguing RF options were snapped up before hitting the open market (I’m looking at you, Ichiro) Bobby became the logical choice.

Abreu’s .369 OBP did not set the world on fire last year, but the man scored 123 runs (the most in his career) and was second on the team in walks with 84. And, while he continued to be the poster child for skipping the Home Run Derby (only 16 dingers for the former basher), Bobby managed 101 RBI and was second on the team in SB, with 25. Factor in a sickeningly good arm (and deduct points for his apparent fear of running into walls), you can’t be disappointed to have this guy batting third in your lineup. True, like Damon and Matsui, people love to say Abreu is over-the-hill with every 0-4, but his track record suggests another solid year, so long as his fiancée doesn’t bang a stranger in a hot tub on Venezuelan television and cause a distraction…again.

ARod: Yanks 'Not the Team to Beat'

2008-02-20T18:25:00.011-05:00

OK. Before we get into team previews and what-not let's just get this out of the way. That's right, kids!

IT'S OUR FIRST AROD POST!

But it's not what you think.

I fully expect the headline above (or something like it) to be the header for Lupica's next column - or at least mentioned in passing in some of our illustrious New York tabloids - so I'm going to do something unprecedented in the history of Yankeefandom. I shall now defend Alex Rodriguez before anyone even bothers to attack him.

The real reason I'm writing this is that all winter I've been thinking the exact thing ARod said. What it amounts to is "Damn, isn't it nice not to be expected to win?" Isn't it refreshing not to have listen to Mets or Sawx fans who say "anything less than a Series title is a letdown for you" and then have to hear one of an endless litany of payroll comments?

And - gasp - ARod said it perfectly .

"We don't feel like we have to defend something we don't have."

Genius.

Well...he didn't embarrass himself anyway.

So, no guarantees. Young pitching staff. No first baseman. New manager.

This season might actually be fun .
_

If At First Joe Doesn't Succeed, Try Another Joe

2008-02-19T22:02:00.014-05:00

That man lurking in the foreground, scheming and dreaming of the moment that he would kill the good and benevolent King Torre, is your new Yankees skipper, Joe Girardi.

With all due respect to the former king, Mr. Torre, who most certainly proved himself to be a gentleman and a scholar in his tenure with the Bombers, we are more appreciative of the new look at the helm than we are of the memory of Torre calmly sipping green tea in the dugout while trying to force Scott Proctor into early retirement.

Frankly, the fact that Joe Girardi could earn Manager of the Year in 2006 and simultaneously get himself fired by the Marlins is something we thought only Ozzie Guillen was capable of. We are intrigued, to say the least. Also, his managerial approach sounds vaguely similar to that of Buck Showalter. So, while he will bring a hands-on approach to each and every game like Buck, we also have to assume this means that the Yankees won't win a championship until 2011 (the year after Girardi is fired and all of his well-laid plans come to fruition), like Buck.

As sacrilegious as it might sound, the truth of the matter is that, at this stage, anybody was a better choice than Torre. Again, Joe #1 is, no doubt, a fantastic man with Reiki-like powers, but we can't help feeling that the job had finally passed him by. You see, Joe Torre never really changed his in-game approach; it only occasionally alternated between mildly questionable and disturbingly questionable. The decisions he made from 1996-2001 simply worked out. From 2002-on, the magic touch failed him. Whether remaining ridiculously loyal to players who had no business being on the field (see: Gary Sheffield, 2006 postseason), or trusting too few men in the bullpen (see: Proctor, Scott; Nelson, Jeff; Quantrill, Paul; etc.) to the point that he began to damage them, the cracks in Torre's armor were beginning to show.

And, by the way, in case you don't believe us on the whole "questionable approach" thesis, look no further than a recent L.A. Dodgers Spring Training article in which Torre heaps praise on Mr. Juan Pierre and essentially guarantees him a starting spot in a talent-heavy pool of outfielders (Pierre notwithstanding):

“I’ve always been one to favor experience….Juan Pierre brings so many things. He plays all the time,he gets 200 hits, steals 60 bases. We know he has no power, but he’s a gamer. He’s the type of player that fits into a winning situation.”

Its seems important to point out here that Juan Pierre isn't a very good player. He makes a lot of outs -- a lot of them -- and his "gamer-ness" involves a great deal of bad decisions at the plate. But, because he's got "experience," Torre's going to give him a shot. Now, Yankees fans, remember that this was the man managing our team for the last 12 seasons. He gave us a lot of thrills, but he's also giving Juan Pierre a starting job.

So, we here at "Piss and Wynegar" give Joe Girardi our heartfelt congratulations and support. Godspeed, sir, and good luck. We're glad that, finally, following a crushing loss to a division rival late in the season, we can imagine tables and chairs being flipped over in the clubhouse in a Billy Martin-esque rage.

Spring Has Sprung A Blog

2008-02-18T22:35:00.007-05:00

Greetings, friends. Welcome to "Piss and Wynegar," a blog determined to gleefully deconstruct the goings-on of our favorite Major League Baseball team, the New York Yankees, as they and their fans embark on yet another year of A-Rod bashing, Melky-worshiping, and fatalistic calls to sports talk radio stations after losing two out of three to the Orioles in April.

The full squad has reported to Tampa, the crack of the bat can be heard echoing throughout this great land of ours and, finally, we can turn our attention to talk of baseb -- what? [pause.] Seriously? A press conference? About what? Shit.

As you can plainly see, it's going to be a fantastic year. When talk of shooting syringes into one's ass is the hot topic of conversation on the first day of Spring Training it can only portent wonderful things down that proverbial 162 game road.

Let's all savor the moment, shall we?

In short, "Piss and Wynegar" has been created to add its collective two cents to the already overgrown world of Yankee coverage. Why? Because we feel like it. And we hope that we can add some perspective.

A simple approach applies to this site: 1) We love the Yankees, and have since we were itsy-bitsy li'l boys hitting .205 in Little League, still believing that we could "make it" in the Bigs someday; however, 2) We recognize that a lot of ridiculous shit goes on throughout the year and we are just as passionate about being critical as we are about watching the Bombers win a World Series.

In other words, while we defend the honor of Derek Jeter and the like, we don't drink the Kool-Aid when it comes to reality. Hopefully, that'll be enough to make it interesting. If not, well...we can always rely on a good ol' fashioned "Sawx Suck!" post to even the playing field.

So, come for the Yankee talk. Stay for the dry wit and cynical perspective of the authors. Welcome to "Piss and Wynegar."